2-2-2010

I suffer watching it, every night of my life. Their words filled with hate and sarcasm. Nothing done is ever right. Problems that overwhelm us all end up tearing us farther apart in the end. I doubt it will end anytime soon, this battle between us. I do not want to hurt them and I do not want to fight, yet if I don’t I end up getting beaten down and depressed. When I am depressed I do things, to myself, stuff to take my mind off the internal pain I feel. My friends do not like what I do, some of them understand at least. I do not want to hurt them, but I feel it is my choice what I do, so really most of their words do not change my opinion. Talking helps, but there is no fix, no cure. The pain and hurt gets worse every time I am around them. I hide what happens from those I do not know. And even those I know often don’t know of the pain I feel inside. There is no point in showing my pain, it is only a weakness. So I keep it to me, mainly only me, especially lately. No one knows much of what happens when I’m not at school. Why I come each morning, so early, sad, depressed, no fight left in me. Why I take my time leaving, any small distraction I use, any excuse to stay later. The school is my haven, it means less stress, which is opposite for most people. Not me though. I will take school any day.
Things got worse today. He won’t have a job for a while. If it’s longer than a month then we have no home. We are having it rough money wise lately like everyone else. Yet we have so much to lose. Its horrible listening to the reason he has no job. It’s because he is transferring to a new firm and Wisconsin is being gay. The only way to speed up the transfer process would end up raising red flags. If the market crashes now before everything transfers we lose everything. Yet if it doesn’t transfer soon we lose it all anyway.
I worry about Alex perhaps more than I worry about myself. He has not acted like himself since the first day we started dating. Things have gotten quite bad between us lately. Yet I am worried there is more to it all. He mentally has not been acting right. Not the guy he once was. He is dazed, confused, out of it all of the time. He passed out in school, blamed it on a video, but now believes it wasn’t the movie. As worried as I am about his health it still doesn’t change my anger with him at the moment. It seems he has a history of lying, he acts as if he only uses me for ‘more than friends benefits’, and it seems he flirts with girls. And not in the way I do with guys. When I flirt the guys always know I am taken, loyal, and that I am completely joking about everything I say or do with and around them. He has the ability to ignore me like no one has before. We are dating so I don’t get why it’s so hard for him to show he cares. It’s also getting difficult for me to even stay with him. My friends and parents are against the relationship at this point. If he doesn’t help me out a little soon I’m afraid that this just isn’t going to work. As painful as it may be, I can let him go. Eventually I would.