Suicide is for the Birds

Suicide is For the Birds

Water lapped against the rocks far below my feet. My eyes close. This is for the
better I tell myself. My mind racing adrenaline pumping. I can hear my pulse.
Gravity pulls me downward. Wind flies over my face, through my hair. My eyes
clench. The wind stops. I hear only my pulse.

I looked down, the cliff hovering over the jagged rocks and rough waves below.
My mind was raging. You almost always think that the thing that would change
your mind would be people around you, talking you out of it. For me, this was not
the case. It was night, no one knew I was here. I had left no note. No one would
know until morning. I always wanted to go mysteriously. I told my self. I glance
down again. Straining to open my eyes and look down. The night making the
waves and noise seem so much closer, so much louder. I glance behind me, just
to reassure I was only paranoid. No one behind me, no one there. A small piece
of me. The deepest piece of me was struck by sadness. Wouldn’t be the first time
I was let down.

No one was there, no one was ever there. I was always alone. My mother was
gone. My dad was never himself. He was angry, ever since mom died. He picked
up the bottle. He was always angry, popping valiums, drinking his last paycheck.
My job was my food. “He told you, you were worthless” the voice in my head
told me. His stoned voice followed. I had no father, not anymore. In my mind
my mother kept him sane. I can only see now that I was right. What choice do I
have? I looked behind me again just to see if anyone was there. No, of course
there wasn’t.

The moon was out, it made the stars seem quiet, reflecting off the grass of the
field behind me. Giving it a silvery shine, the wind moving it in perfect waves.
It was cold. The wind never helped. My mind started to calm, the rage against
my father was leaving. I looked down, a tear finding it’s way from the back of my
eyes to the front. I wipe them away, furiously. Anger in my head again. I can’t
cry, crying makes you weak. My dad’s words through my head again “You pussy,
fucking cry baby, what good have you done for me?!” Nothing, I answered in my
head. Only answering now.

I hear a crack behind me, I turn, my heart jumping, a rabbit. My head drops, I turn
back towards the water. I hear the rabbit again. My paranoia kicking in, I turn. I
know I’ll only see the rabbit again, but there was hope. No one, just the rabbit
scurrying under the fallen tree. Jacob’s tree.

We sat there, used to sit there. He was perfect. He would hold himself perfectly.
His hands holding himself up, laying behind him on the trunk of the tree. A smile
made it’s way onto my face. Still reminiscing, staring at the tree, covered in moss
now. I hadn’t heard from him in such a long time, he hadn’t returned my last
text, never showed at school. He had problems of his own, but always made it to

school. It was funny, he always made it, whether he was stoned beyond words
last night, or drunk out of his mind. He wanted to do well in school. He always
said he wanted to. His friends always laughed when he said he had a test to go
to. I would smile as he walked away. I was jealous of his courage.

School was never big for me. Why should it be? Where did it get me? I knew
secretly always wanted to do well in school. Jacob always made it a big deal.
He wouldn’t pressure me, but he almost put it before me, and sometimes he did.
It never hurt when he did, and I always thought that was funny. Not like when I
found him with his friends instead of me.

The stars had moved, I was obviously here a long time. I wondered if anyone
was looking for me. I told myself no one was. My dad was passed out from his
valiums and booze. Jacob was gone. Mom was dead. My friends didn’t give a
shit if I wasn’t there. I was Jacob’s puppet to them. I never liked them, but they
were my closest thing to family.

The wave’s were getting louder, or the insanity was setting in. The wind was
picking up. I looked down again. Was this really the answer? I asked myself. Yes,
of course it was, what else did I have. My life was worthless. Troubled, messed
up, and sent to hell. I would be there soon. I joked to myself. I cried.

Balling, yelling. Down on my knees screaming. “Why me?! What the fuck is this
shit?! God, what the....” I remember that I don’t believe in god. The crying restarts
itself. I spew venom out of my mouth. Cursing, swearing, dying. I finally stop.
My literal cries for attention stop. I check behind me, suddenly lying again to
myself that I don’t want anyone to notice me. I sit down, cupping my face with my
hands, my broken nails, my pink hair. What was it all for? Why? To ‘fit in’? I cry to
myself. My shoulders bouncing in time with the sobs of my crying. My feet dangle
over the edge of the cliff. My so called answer.

The life that I had wasn’t normal. Or so I was told. Mom knew Dad had a
problem. She always sent me to guidance meetings. Sit with a bunch of wimpy
kids, worried about shit that didn’t compare to the crap I was going through. Who
cared? The counselor was always concerned for me. I always made up some
story just to shut them up. I see now that I loved the attention, the only thing I
think I ever wanted. Even when my drugged up dad was beating the hell out of
me I had a secret love for the attention. I guess that’s why I hanged out with the
people I did, they actually listened, they actually thought I had a decent opinion.

I was crying. Weeping. My phone buzzed. My heart jumped. Someone wanted
to see me! Me! I was thinking. I wouldn’t have it, I took my phone, chucked into
the Ocean. I wanted to talk to someone, but I had too much pride to actually talk
about it. I immediately regretted the decision, but after tonight it wouldn’t matter.
My crying had stopped after this. It was sobering moment for me. In the back of
my mind for the rest of that evening I knew that someone cared. Now I believe
that it was the only thing that kept my alive that night.

I look into the sky. Was this my night to die? I thought to myself. A voice
replied. “Yes” A true voice, that never voiced itself said “No.” Unfortunately I
never heard that voice. It never came out. It was felt, in my heart. Clouds clouded
over the moon. Who was possibly texting me? Probably just my wasted dad
drunk dialing again. Wondering where is worthless daughter was. Fuck him. Fuck
the world. I thought.

That thought made me stand up. I looked down again. At the cold dark loud
rushing water below. Ready to take my life, it was only a matter of time I thought.
I look into the sky again. Moon fighting it’s way through the clouds. Symbolic? I
thought. Symbolic what are you talking about symbolic are you kidding me? What
could it possibly symbolize? Your death. That’s what. “You’re worthless” My
dad’s voice rang through my ears again.

I suddenly hear a knock behind me. Twice then a third time before I react. I turn
quickly. Heart pounding, glad to know someone cares enough about me to find
me. A silhouette standing by the trunk of the tree. Jacob’s tree.

“Hello?” I manage to say. Staggered, wiping my eyes.

“I thought I’d find you here.”

“JACOB!” I cried. I rush over to him. Wrap my arms around him. Dig my face into
his chest. Suddenly weeping again.

“What are you doing here? It’s late, even for you. Why on earth are you crying?”

Jacob picks me up, I feel his hard biceps pressing slightly into my sides. His
hands just above my waist. I feel the tree trunk under me. He sits me down. He
hopped up with ease. Placing his hands behind him, looking into my bloodshot
eyes. He’s sober.

“What’s up?” He says, as if nothing’s happened.

“Not much.” I say, suddenly trying to hide the fact that I was about to kill myself.
That I was crying. That I was depressed, seriously depressed.

“Yeah, right. Listen, I know you. You’re not feeling ‘right’ right now.”

“I’m never feeling ‘right’” I say, immediately regretting it. Secretly glad I said it.

“Care to share?” I so badly want to say yes. Tell him everything. My conscious
won’t let me. Society trained me to show no weakness. Feel no feelings.

“No.”

“Haley, you’re crying, you’re standing on the edge of a cliff, crying. Something’s
wrong, I think I should know.” He had a point.

“Okay, keep a secret.”

“Promise”

“It’s my life.”

“Oh, Haley, no. You weren’t gonna, you know...”

“Yeah.”

“So you were here to...like...end it?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m so sorry.” He placed his arms around me. Sideways, his head on my
shoulder. He didn’t say anything so I decided just to explain. It’s really all I
wanted.

“Listen, it’s like, my whole life” Still nothing from him, a small nod I thought, but it
was really just him readjusting his head.

“Okay, well, see. Well, let’s start with my dad.”

“Okay” He replied. When I think about it now, I think he was holding me so that I
wouldn’t jump of the cliff.

“He’s an aderall, valium, oxycotton. You know...”

“Hillbilly heroin” He said

“Yeah, he’s an addict.” Jacob said nothing. I didn’t look at his face, but he
seemed just emotionless.

“He’s always popping his next pill. Spends all his money on it” I’m having trouble
not saying everything at once.

“We have all night, you have more to say than that I’m sure.” It’s as if Jacob read
my mind, or caught on that I wasn’t saying much. I felt warm inside. My exploding
world was being put into perspective.

“You weren’t here.” I said

“What do you mean?” He replied
“You weren’t at school, you wouldn’t answer my calls. Your apartment was
locked.” Jacob’s face went cold. His hands loosened. He looked into my eyes,
ready to tell me something I was sure.

“It was my dad. He came to my apartment. He took my phone. I didn’t go to
school. I didn’t feel good. I never do when he shows up.” There was alot missing
in my mind. There was something he wasn’t telling me. he never told me. I wasn’t
one to talk either, but I felt like I had a right to know.

“What do you mean?” I said.

“My dad. He drinks, alot. He came to my house, intoxicated. He was mad. He
called me ignorant, a terrible son, worthless.” My heart sank, I knew exactly how
he felt. He didn’t have to say anything after that. I understood completely. I was
at a blank for words. Finally he spoke.

“Is this your first confession?” These words took me by surprise. I didn’t know
what it meant, but at the same time I did.

“Yes” I said “but you might need to explain what exactly is a confession. In this
case.”

“Telling someone about your problems. You know, like your mom dying, you’re
dad and his problem.” He was calm. He was knowledgeable.

“Then yes, yes it is.” I reply, smiling slightly.

“If your dad spends all his money on drugs... how are you, you know...alive?” He
said it slowly, almost concerned that the question was too straight forward, or too
harsh.

“My job” I say “It doesn’t pay much, but I get by.” It was true. It felt good. Telling
the truth.

“You ever thought about running away?” He said, more confidently.

“Yeah...Is that, what you did?”

“Yeah.” He said

“Listen,” He started “ I know this is crazy, but do you want to...maybe... live with
me?” Suddenly speaking quickly, trying to convince me before I have time to
answer.

“ I know it’s crazy, I know we’ve only known each other for about a year, But I
feel really connected to you... and you have a job to bring in money...” I stop him,
my heart pounding.

“Yes!” I cry “Of course! I would love to!”

“Really?” He replies, taken by surprise

“Yes, of course! I would do anything to get away from my dad. Thank you Jacob!
Thank you!” I throw my arms around him, crushing him slightly. I press my lips on
his cheek. Happiness fills my heart quickly. I feel his arms around me. I pull away
slowly.

“One second.” I tell him “There’s something I have to do.”

I walk up to the cliff. I look down. Water lapped against the rocks far below my
feet. My eyes close. This is for the better I tell myself. My mind racing adrenaline
pumping. I can hear my pulse. Gravity pulls me downward. Wind flies over my
face, through my hair. My eyes clench. The wind stops. I hear only my pulse.
I feel Jacob’s hand grab my wrist. Then one arm around my waist. “C’mon,
tonight’s not your night.” He whispers, pulling me away from the Ocean.v