Day 6

An M-Master Snig Original

Day 6

10:20 I'm in a mellow mood today. I don't know what it is today. I guess I just stopped caring for the time being. I was listening to some music and just kind of zoning out. It's weird, isn't it? To be able to go from fretting about every little thing to not caring about anything. You weren't like that. Oh no. You were always chill. You seemed to be able to hand anything and everything that was thrown at you. I envy that about you. My life is in such ruins right now that I wish I could just let everything roll off my shoulders. This...This right here. This is right. This mood, this train of thought, this feeling. Yeah...

I close my eyes and sway to the rhythm of the music, but don't really pay attention to it. I make my own music. It seems silly, I know, but I feel like the music I am making is emotional and not real, but still there nonetheless. That doesn't make sense. But, that's okay, in a mood like this, nothing makes sense, and everything makes sense. Am I high? Ha. No, just done caring for the day. For the first time in a long time I feel like I can actually sleep without regrets or pain. For the first time in a long time I feel like a brand new man.

I don't know what it is. I really don't. And, I know that tomorrow I am going to be back to the same old me. I hope I won't though. I want to live this life, if not for at least one more day. I like it, even though I know it's just as unhealthy as living life the other way. I need to find that center, you know? That perfect place where I care enough not to care enough.
For the first time in a long time I don't feel used by anyone. Today, someone asked me for help, and I said no, and you know what?! They didn't really care. They understood. I guess I got so caught up in helping everyone that no one remembered to stop and say thank you. As if they expected me to do it. Maybe that's why I feel like this? Maybe now I feel like I don't need to be doing shit. Pardon my french. (ewww french)

What would an entry be without something in there about how I miss you.
I was looking around at all of our stuff, and the only thing you actually left were the tears on the pillow. I know you didn't leave those, but what I'm saying is that there is nothing of you in here. And yet, everywhere I go there you are! Every turn I take, every move I make, every voice I hear, every beat of my heart...It's you. It's always you. There is no escaping it. Even now, I feel you with me. I only wish there was some way for you to show me you feel me too. I imagine you don't care though. You left with your own free will. Did you stop to look back? Did you stop to think twice? Did you think to return my heart? Is it in the mail? Did you hide it somewhere and I am supposed to find it? Will somebody find it for me? If they do, will they have the glue to put it back together and the key to unlock it? Did you stop to think about those things?!

Even in this mood I can't stop to feel angry. At you. At me. At life. But that angry is short lived, because I don't care for long enough to make anything of it. I just close my eyes, sway to my emotions with a smile on my face and feel myself drifting off to a sea of nothingness, and loving every second of it.

This sailor is signing off,

J’adore, J’taime


Jude