Complicated Heart

When did life become so complicated?
The last thing I remember worrying about is whether my hair was okay, or if I was wearing the right clothes.

They say when you become eighteen, a whole new world of opportunities are at your feet, just waiting for you to go out in the big, wide world and make your mark. But really, the only thing that comes of being eighteen, is the big disappointment when you find out, you’re on your own in this unforgiving universe called life.

September 9 th 2010. My birthday. My eighteenth in-fact. Wasn’t the greatest day to start off with. For one, I was at school, sixth form, as it was a Thursday. Not exactly what you plan on doing on your eighteenth, is it? And to make it worse, I was just getting over my first experience of tonsillitis. Not the best way to start your adult life. Anyway, got to school, said hi to everyone, thanked them for my cards and presents and so on, went to my first lesson (Biology), where I sat next to my boyfriend, received my present from him (which I had chosen for myself, the weekend previously), listened to Mr Moore jabber on about something I will later be tested on then went for break after the bell rang to symbolise the lesson had ended.

At break the majority of people hang out in the post-16 area, which, luckily for us had just been done up. There now was a wall separating the settee part, to the computer room and now was a quiet room for personal study, which was about the size of two cupboards. Supposedly, this is what we wanted, even though I have never heard anything of the sort come out of one of my fellow piers mouths. So, my boyfriend (lets call him Bill) and I walked down to post-16, sat on the chairs, next to each other and began to chat. And just like every single conversation we had, it turned into an argument. Typical. The one day it so happened to be my birthday, we could not resist arguing. But in my defence, it was because he had forgotten to ask about coming over to my house on Saturday for my family Chinese take-away meal. Which, he had been so kindly by myself, invited to, that I just got annoyed that it seemed to mean so little to him. I later found out that obviously, it didn’t.

The present I had chosen for myself from Bill was a Nominations duck charm, made from gold. I chose this because for one, it wasn’t all that expensive, and two it was kind of an inside joke of ours. Once, Bill and I had a conversation over MSN about how much he enjoyed his baths but not so subtly added he found them quite lonely (meaning I should join him sometime), so instead of playing along, I just replied with; “you should get a rubber duck then”. Not amused by the thought, he pulled his buffalo face (also a private joke) and sulked until I cheered him up. The following day I was at work, in the local Pharmacy near my school, when I notice we had rubber ducks for sale. However, there were three in a pack and I honestly only needed one. So on my break from work, I wondered over to Stone the Crows, which was across the road from my work and snooped inside to see if they also sold rubber ducks. And to my surprise, they did. Because I was such a nice person, I bought Bill a rubber duck and decided to name him ‘Duck Worthington of Bathington’, Ducky for short. To Bill’s surprise, later on in the day when I gave it him, he did appreciate the gesture and let out a little laugh at the thought of the sincerity of the joke. So in return for Ducky, I got a duck of my own.

Believe it or not, my eighteenth actually sucked. No seriously, I’m not just being a martyr or a spoilt brat, it was possibly the worst birthday I have had. No offence to my parents or anything, because they took me for the most amazing meal at The Inn on my birthday, but I was just in such a pissy mood because of Bill I couldn’t really enjoy it as much as I would have. It was like since he forgot about something that seemed so important to me, that was it, it just set me in a mood for the rest of our relationship. I mean I wouldn’t have cared if I had asked him to go to Meadowhall and he had forgotten or something because that’s not even important. But being with me and my family, for my eighteenth at my own home was going to be something really special for me as Bill is somebody I love so dearly I wanted my whole family to meet him and for me to share this special occasion with him. It just seemed a little bit ungrateful for him to forget something of such a big of a deal. But whatever. I guess things turned out how they should have, right?

So, Saturday comes around, I’m at work again until one o’clock, my mum and I go food shopping, I come home, go in the shower, get dressed, do my hair and Bill shows up around half five, which is perfect because I wanted some time to our selves before the lunatics arrived at half seven. It was great, we hung out in my room, watched a bit of tv, snuggled on my bed. It made me felt as if that nothing else mattered. Not that Bill had forgotten about it, not that we argued, nothing, it was just bliss to share such a wonderful time in my life with the love of my life.

But this had to come to an end as my family arrives and begin to swarm around Bill like they were bees around the sweetest flower or something, even though they’ve met him before at my cousins second birthday. So they settled down, and Bill and I sit down next to each other, as we always did and just watched as my family interacted with each other, obviously my two-year-old cousin being the main focal point. Then I realise that I left my camera upstairs, so I pound upstairs as quick as I can so I don’t miss any moment of the gathering. On retrieving my camera, I begin taken many photos to remember this night, some of my parents, some of my grandparents, some of my auntie and uncle and many of my cousin as it is a project I’m working as a present for my auntie and uncle. Then when it comes to Bill’s turn I knew instantly he would refuse anything of the sort. He hates photos, absolutely hates them, but I thought since it is my eighteenth and I want to remember this am much as I possibly can, I take some photos of him anyway. Needless to say, he wasn’t too best pleased and decided to throw a strop as soon as I sat back down. This annoyed me big time. How selfish was he? Not the fact that my family was there, not the fact it was my birthday. No, its all about how much of a bitch I’m being to him because I know how he hates his photo being taken. And me being naturally talented when it comes to photography and love expressing myself through my images, I’m the selfish one. He’s actually so unfricking believable, I honestly don’t know how we lasted nine months to begin with?!

Yes we made up, but we were never really the same after such a stupid thing to fight over. The arguments became worse, we fought over nothing, over everything and everything in between and it just got so repetitive that we ended up arguing about more serious things. About whether we loved each other or not, whether we wanted to be in the relationship or not, whether we actually liked each other or not. The final straw was 28th September 2010, nineteen days after my birthday, nine days after my birthday party with all my friends at Viva Tequila and a week before our ten-month anniversary. I was in another pissy mood and just couldn’t be bothered with school at the time as I felt I was failing the thing that would determine the rest of my life. (School puts too much pressure on you!). I texted Bill, hoping for some sympathy and hoping he would make me feel better. He did, for a while, and then I just began to have a go at him because I guess I needed somebody to take my anger out on, and it just so happened to be him. He just replied saying; “I don’t have to give you advice and sympathy you know?” No kisses on the end, meaning he was pissed off at me. I apologised and just said I understood if he hated me. He replied with “I don’t hate you” but my rely was “you don’t like me though do you?” With his answer being “No, not at the moment.” As he was on limited texts I asked if we could talk on MSN, to save his texts, he agreed and I moved onto my laptop.



After writing all this Bill, I realised; you’re not selfish as all. I am the selfish one. Believe it or not, I had a eureka moment straightening my hair. I made you lose one of your mates (Youngy), I stole you from the world, and from Deano. – You’re, best, friend. What kind of Girlfriend does that?! I honestly see why you don’t want me, why I’m not the one for you. I mean, I was angry at you for you doing something you love (sports). I was angry at you for doing your fricking school work for god sake! God I really sucked as I first girlfriend didn’t I? I think you made a good decision, for us to break up. I guess I needed that to see clear, to see what kind of person I’m actually like. Thank you. For everything. And though I haven’t said it recently, I am thankful, for everything, for all the great times we’ve had, for all the laughs we’ve had, all the passionate times we’ve had. I think it’s best we don’t get back together Bill. I know you want us to stay apart too, which is for the best. But if you change your mind, you know where I am. I’m really glad I got this chance with you, to share you life, your family, your love, even if it was for only 9 months. You can delete this after if you want, I won’t be hurt. I’m just glad you read it. Thank you. Good luck for all the future William, and I honestly hope you find someone who loves you as much as I love you.