Dear Mother,

Dear Mother,

I honestly do not know how to start but all I know is,  I have been longing this day forever, the day you and I sat down and discussed it all. I am finally alone with you and I can finally get your full devoted attention. I know I might sound like a jelouse five year old, but trust me I do not think I will ever stop needing your attention.

I am not here to blame or to start a fight, I am here to resolve things, and make my presence accepteble to you. So I assumed taking you out and buying you dinner would be a nice way to begin with.

I know you and I have not got along for a very long time and that was due to many reasons, but I honestly do not know when it all started. All I can think of is the time when you asked me to leave your house. Perhaps it started back then ! But the timing is not important. I want to discuss the fact that we no longer have conversations, all we talk about is basically nothing. We do not have anything in common anymore. I can not have a conversation with you, and nor can you. One might think travelling to a different contenent and exploring a different world and facing new adventures would bring us closer, but on the contrary it has done the complete opposite !

The last thing you said to me and hurt me real bad was in the airport... "YOU have not respected me through out this whole journey and even if I was a stupid animal with no education or any self respect YOU should not treat me this way ! after all I am your mother and just because I respect you that does not give you the right to treat me like that..."

Mum, it hurts me to even mention this again, but if you honestly had any respect for me why would you 1. Shout at me infront of my 6 and 8 year old sisters? 2. Wait all this time and say it all at once? 3. Say it at the airport where anyone could have heard it?

Where is the respect in that? You keep saying that you "respect" me, but to be honest I do not feel that respect. When ever I talk or say my opinion on anything it seems very easy for you to critisize it or even IGNORE it ! You do not give me any of your precious time to talk to me. You wait for the last minute then explode like a volcano.

I can not think of the last time we actually spoke about anything that either one of us was interested in ! Your lifestyle and mine seem very different but at the same time exactly the same ! We can be friends like we used to be we can talk about things, but it seems like I can not say anything and end up NOT hurting you ! Which I -repeat- hear about it a month or two months later, and have nothing to say to you. It feels like this will take us no where.

I do not know where I came up with this idea of actually speaking to you, and AS MY MOTHER, why couldn't you think of it?

What does that say about you?



Mother, you do not know anything about my personal life ! You have no clue how hard it is for me ! How alone I feel. How miserable !



OR perhaps you do know, but you just do not care ! I keep telling you how depressed I feel, how I have been suffereing from Isomnia, how I do not have any real friends, how I can not find anyone to trust or get along with, how I just want to run away, how I cry myself to sleep !



how many times have I told you those things mum? Why didnt you do anything about them? Why don't you want to help me? Why do you always say "the society we live in is like this and you have to accept it", "When you are married your husband will take you out".



How do you think this makes me feel? How many times do I have to repeat my self before you actually LISTEN to me?

Why don't you care? Why do I have a feeling that after u read this you will shout at me saying " I respect you and this is what I get in return"?



Why should I feel guilty over all the things you and father have done to me ?!



You took my life away from me ! You are the reason why I can not sleep at night ! You are the reason why I cry myself to sleep everynight ! You are the reason why I did so many mistakes trying to find love in the wrong places and ending up regreting many many things. You are the reason why guilt is eating me from the inside. You are the reason why my brothers do not respect me ! You are the reason why I tried to run away. You are the reason why out of no where I burst into tears. You are the reason why I am searching and trying to find a therapist to help me !



I just need to get this off of my chest ! Eventhough it might hurt you to read it or listen to it from me, but this is how I feel !

It seems like you have forgotten that we ALL went through the divorce and it was not just you !

Mother, you have moved on already ! You are re-married, you have new children, you have a new house and a new life ! You chose it ! and yet you are the one seeing a shrink and taking pills and shouting and exploding at all of us and saying that "My life is not worth living".



Yet you are the one who tried to commit suicide ! How much more do you want to give up? How long is it going to take for you to realise that life is too short ! That one day one us will day before the other and one will be left with unsaid words !



I am so sick to my stomach of all the things u do ! You cheated on dad with my step-dad, you married him, then you had a nervouse break down when you found out that he cheated on you, and gave us up AGAIN, then you start cheating on him and you get me involved, and when I tried saying that "this is not right and you should not be doing this" You lashed out and shouted saying "I am your mother, I will not be sitting here listeing to a lecture from you, you are disrespectful and I have not raised you well, this is none of your bussiness and you should stay out of it"



Talk about respect ... Well mum, you need to GIVE respect in order to GET it !



To be honest, you keep breaking my heart and you keep hurting me so bad ! And yet I am the one who is feeling guilty !

Dad has showed me hell  !

He beat me up, he spit on me, he swore at me, he slapped me, he put his foot on my face, he punched me, he made me say things I do not want to say, he kicked me out of the house, he terorized me, he made me stay in the sun, he shouted at me early mornings, afternoons, evenings and sometimes all night long, asking me questions and intorgating me. Made me shiver, made me so scared of him that I would cry hesterically, I would talk to myself and hug a pillow and keep my voice unheard just because he would beat me more if he heard me crying. He called me names, and called you names, and made me call you names, and I did not want to. I took a lot of SHIT from you and him. Why?



The huge issue is... I still have to take alot of SHIT from the two of you ! I am still scared of him and I am so sensative with you ! I am still that eleven year old child, whose parents just got divorced and her mother left the house in her eleventh birthday ! I am still that child whose mother never protected when she saw the beating marks on her shoulders...On her face, and the heavy tears cried and how many times she needed you to be there at night... When her two brothers would go out and she would be stuck at home with the monster you created mother !



What should I say? How should I feel? or let me rephrase it, How do YOU want me to feel? How happy and enthusiastic do you want me to be?

The funny thing is, the further I am fromt he two of you the better person I beecome !

1. Won the National Debate competition at the age of 18.

2. Trained at a bank and almost got a job there for being very hard working also at the age of 18.

3. Scored two different jobs at the National radio at the age of 19.

and many more mother !



How come I do not see my hard work anywhere appreciated? How come you threw the news paper the top of the closet. How did you contribute on to pushing me to doing the best ? When did you ever wish me luck? How did you celebrate my success?



Ask yourself mum.



Some of your funny phrases I hear you repeating trying to convince yourself saying them, would be one of those "This was the past, why can't you get over it?"



DID YOU GET OVER IT? FINE !!!!! I did not get over it !! FUCKING help me get over it ! What did you do to help me get over it?

You never spoke to me about any of this, and YET you are hoping that in some majical way I will get over it !



I can not sleep at night, I have not slept like a normal persona would do in two years. All I can honestly think of are mostly things to do with you. Things that would not even bother me if we actually SPOKE !

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At the end I just know that there are so many things I want to say but I think this is too much for even one sit down ! And I hope you will not be dramatic towards this and think before you say anything to me. At least just like I took some time and revealed some of what is going on one my mind ! I do not know if this will be a good new start or a complete hell door !



Unfortunatly this is just me writing here... and I have not spoken to my mother yet, and I know this is very dramatic and she will not sit and listen to the whole thing, but I had to get it out of my system. She might never accept me as I am, but I am willing to do things differently.

At the end of the day, it takes two to tango.



Thank you for reading !