I See You.

Dr Farr told me that he's not there, that he's a hallucination, my imagination, alive only in my mind. But its hard to believe that, when he's charging at me, tatty t-shirt covered in blood, wielding a familiar knife.

It started with a weird dream. But I didn't realize it was weird until I woke up. You see I never remember my dreams, not all of them. Fragments yeah, or a faint feeling of sadness that quickly drifts away. But I never remember the whole dream. Well, not until that first dream. I could remember it all. Every thought and feeling, everything had seamed cold: the burning of my aching legs as I ran through the icy rain, the numbness of my cold hand gripping the hard, elegant handle of the extravagantly decorated knife. Funny, I had thought, that such a beautiful tool could be destined for so horrifying a task.

And then then there I was in P.E. It was raining of course. And yet I wasn't the only person who decided to brave the cold and wet. I'm not surprised however - it would take a lot to get us three to do dance. Tom, Gordan and I ran around the playing field our boots flicking mud up onto our ankles as we chatted and laughed happily.
    The weather worsened. Cold wind made the icy rain colder and the other two ran for cover as quickly as they could. I ran on - anything to get off dance. My legs began to ache, and my hands felt like ice cubes but I ran on. A sense of deja vu overtook me, and I stopped in shock. The fingers of my right hand curled around a knife, beautiful and dangerous. My arm felt heavy, pulled down by the weight of the knife. Where did it come from? It felt real. It looked real. Rain ran off the blade and pattered to the floor. I tapped the goal post with it, and a ding sounded in the air. It was real.
    "Oi! Sir says come in now!" Tom yelled.
    "Coming!" I looked at my right hand. It was empty. I ran in, and as I changed in to dry clothes, I debated whether to tell some one.
    "Don't say anything," whispered a voice. I looked up, no one was near me.

That was the first time I heard a voice. I don't know why I started hallucinating, and the doctor never knew, but he wouldn't do any tests - he didn't need to. Mum didn't know that I saw the doctor, she still doesn't, but that's OK, she wont find out anytime soon. She will eventually, but not quickly enough.
    David was the one who introduced me to Dr Farr, four weeks after that weird dream. I was walking along the road on my way back from school when he jumped out on me. He was slightly older than me, with short dark hair and wearing a frayed t-shirt. He was wiry, tall and thin, with a deep, low voice that didn't match his slight figure. He hadn't been at school, but I had never expected him to go. He chatted away, happily babbling about this and that. We stopped in the middle of a park, and he said there was some-one he wanted me to meet. His smile never faltered as the man walked steadily towards us, wearing his white, clean uniform, clipboard in hand, and smile on his lips.
    "I'm Dr Farr, but you can call me Chris if you want." It wasn't long before I knew all about him. The facts of his life, his mannerisms, his hobby's and friends. He was clever. He saw that I kept on looking at David, and asked me his name.
    "But you know him, he was the one who wanted us to meet." a look of surprise sprung on to his face. "David? David O'Neil?" I tried.
    The confusion showed in his face, he didn't know David, I looked to where David stood looking for an explanation. "He doesn't know me. You know this, your the only one who can see me."
    "But he asked who you where, how did he know about you?"
    He laughed, "Because you keep turning and smiling at an empty space!"
    Of course no-one else could see him! But then its hard to remember who is and isn't real, but I can't believe I forgot David wasn't there. "Are you OK?" Dr Farr said. When I didn't answer, he sat down on the bench and I wandered over to join him. "He's a hallucination, your imagination, alive only in your mind." he said quietly.
    "I know." Pause. "Should I tell some-one?"
    "No," he said.  "I can sort it out myself. For now, don't tell anyone."
    "Hey, you coming to play football or what?" Tom stood holding the ball, waiting expectantly. He ignored Dr Farr completely.
    "Bye" Dr Farr said with a wave.
    I ran off, but when I turned to smile at Dr Farr, both he and David had gone. 'Don't tell anyone.' When he had said that he had sounded familiar, it was then I realized that his voice was the same as the one I'd heard in the changing rooms. 'Don't tell anyone."

"Are you OK?"
    "Yeah  mum, are you?" I replied, grabbing my pie and mash and heading for the stairs.
    "Wait a minute, will you?"
    "OK..." It was strange, my mum is often busy, rushing around and doing her lesson plans. She works in the Primary School, with the year 2s, and she rarely has time to stop and talk. What was more surprising was that she seemed anxious, not to sure what to say. I was worried she knew for a minute, but how could she?
    "You've be acting a little... odd for the past month. Is anything bothering you?"
    "No." I replied too quickly, then cursed myself for being such an idiot.
    "Are you sure?"
    "Yes mum." I gave her a big smile. Her eyebrows rose. Dad chuckled from his chair in the corner. I hadn't realized he was there.
    "I think I know what going on, Linda." He said wandering over. My heart pounded in my chest, but dad was smiling, and how could he have found out? He wrapped his arm around mum and then spoke in a superior manner that really annoyed me. "I think some-one may be falling in love for the first time."
    Shock.
    Love? Me? Why did he think that? What should I do? I could deny it, but then, if they thought I was in love, perhaps they would leave me alone.
    They were smiling. I suppose my look of shock must have made them think they had guessed it, or perhaps it was my silence. "Err..."
    "It's OK, we know what young love is like." Dad reassured me. Mum was smiling now. I could feel myself getting hot. "So, have you kissed her yet?"
    "Or him," Mum said.
    Dad nodded slowly, "Or him," he agreed.
    "Her, and no, I like her, that's all." That was sort of true - there's this girl called Susan in my year that I liked, but I hadn't thought about her since I'd had that strange dream. I looked at the pie and mash, and stated edging towards the stairs. "Bye, then." I muttered. I doubt they'd heard me, they were staring into each others eyes, happy smiles on their faces. Why are adults so... weird?

That same evening, I sat with my head in my hands, dinner forgotten, my eyes flickering to the now beautiful knife, appetite gone. David lay on my bed, playing with his fingernails. Luke sat by the clock, which was ticking so loudly, it seamed to hammer my ear drums, getting louder and louder until it became unbearable. I switched the CD player on to drown out the tick, tick that was aching my ears, and retrieved my diary from the inside the board game that had been forgotten so many years ago by everyone except me. I turned to the back, and scribbled down the date.
    "Why are you doing that?"
    "You know why, David." I snapped, turning up the music to stop the parents hearing me.
    "No we don't." said Luke, moving next to David.
    "I hate it when you gang up on me like that."
    "But it's true! We don't know why - "
    "Shut up, will you."
    "Not until you tell us why."
    We glared at each other. The more I found out about them, or rather, about myself the harder it became to live with them. One of the worst times was when I realized that their voices were actually in my mind, and I wasn't really hearing them. Before then, I could cover my ears if I didn't want to listen, but now I could hear them just as clearly.
    Every time I took out my diary to record my hallucinations, they had remained silent, because by then I had worked out that they, living inside my mind must know everything I know. They must know that although I trust them as much as I can trust myself, (after all they are me,) that doesn't mean I can trust them completely. I know that this upsets them, but I'm finding out more and more all the time, it makes sense document everything. But I see them more than I don't now, so often, it seems ridiculous to record everything. I look at David. He smiles.
    "No point in recording everything."
    I close the diary slowly. "Why didn't you know?"
    "Know what?"
    "You know what."
    "You know why." David being difficult as usual. But if he knows the answer, so do I.
    "Because I didn't know why I was still recording them."
    David grinned. "Can we come to school with you tomorrow?"
    "I can't stop you."
    Luke grinned too. "We'll take that as a yes."

    That night I had another weird dream.
    It was raining. The clouds blocked what little light was being given off by the moon. I ran, feeling the icy burning of my legs and the jolting impact as my feet struck the earth again and again. This time, I wasn't running alone. Tom and Gordan ran with me. Silently. Everything was silent. All I could hear was my thoughts.
    "Why are you running?" He asked. Suddenly, it was David and Luke running beside me, and I could hear the sirens behind me, the sound of my heartbeat, my breathing, the thunder, the thunder, the thunder.
    "I'm running away."
    "What from?" David's voice was calm, and he kept pace effortlessly. Why did the road go on and on?
    "The police."
    "What did you do?"
    "Nothing."
    "Then why are you running?"
    "Because they're after me."
    "Why?"
    "I don't know!" Then the knife was there, glittering in my hand. Beautiful and dangerous. Blood glimmered on the blade, before it was washed away by the rain. I stopped and looked at David. He didn't seem accusing, just curious. But I knew he wouldn't stop without an answer.
    "What did you do?"
    "I don't know!"
    "Who's blood is it?"
    "I don't know! Leave me alone!"
    Then Luke spoke. "Keep running."
    I turned to carry on. But the road had disappeared. I was in the middle of a park and some one was approaching. They were dressed in white and didn't seam bothered by the rain as they approached steadily, placing in front of the other. I watched in horror as they approached, until Luke whispered, "Its Dr Farr." Seeing that it was, I relaxed and stepped forward to great him, but as he looked at me his smile became a frown.
    "What have you done?" he asked
    I looked at myself and realized I was covered in blood. I shuddered in horror.
    "Drop the knife." He said "Drop the knife."
    That was when I lost control. I felt it slip, like dropping a cup. I clutched in the air for it, but it was gone. Anger surrounded me. Fury overtook me. But I didn't know why. All I knew was that I wanted to sink the blade into his flesh, to feel it cut through fat and muscle, to crack through his bones and pierce his vital organs. But I didn't know why I wanted those things. And all I could do was watch in horror as I charged him, but at the same time I felt a joy in what I was doing - In a strange way, this was what I wanted.
    Then something stopped me. Something had grabbed my wrist and wasn't letting go. I turned and thrust the knife into David's chest, and as I did I felt my fury disappear. I felt in control.  David looked at me in horror, the knife protruding from his chest. I collapsed, he dropped to his knees. Luke hesitantly stepped towards me and Dr Farr ran to help David. And that was when I woke up.

    "What's wrong with him?"
    "I think he's ill..."
    "Can you hear me darling? Talk to me."
    I opened my eyes to see my mum's face hovering just above mine. I saw movement out of the corner of my eye: Dad fidgeting in the corner.
    "Are you O.K. honey?" mum's eyes were wide in shock.
    "He's fine, it was just a dream." Dr Farr's voice sent shivers of terror through my body. "Right?"
    "Yes," I answered slowly, "It was just a dream."
    Mum smiled. "We'll leave you to it then." Her and dad filed out the room.
    I looked at Dr Farr. His expression was of concern and worry. He didn't look as if he was about to tell me off for anything. But then why would he?
    "Are you all right?" he said suddenly. "What happened?"
    I bit my lip. "I killed David."
    "In your dream?" I nodded. "But that was only a dream. I think David will be fine." I nodded again. Then I looked at him suddenly.
    "What are you doing here? And who do Mum and Dad think you are?"
    He smiled. It was so understanding, so annoying. "Your parents think I'm a Dr who just happened to be walking passed your house. But the reason I'm here is because you asked Tom to ask me to see you early this morning and to meet you at the house."
    I frowned. "Did I? I thought it was David I asked to get rid of him... I can always trick him into going away to get someone. It gives me time to think."
  "Tom said you asked him in the changing rooms, you said: "Can you do me a big favor? Go and ask Dr Farr to meet me at my house tomorrow morning before school." Maybe you accidentally spoke out loud?"

  Dr Farr was right; David wasn't dead. I saw him leaning against the wall of the house, then he was sitting in the back seat of the car, in the corner of the class room, stood by himself in the middle of the play ground... On and on. All day he followed me silently. He never spoke, he never approached me. I was scared. His expression changed rapidly: accusing stares, thoughtful looks, sad, sympathetic and angry, sometimes he looked like he could murder me. But it wasn't just his expression that scared me, he looked dreadful too. His face was tired and pale, his hair flopped miserably on his head, he was covered in mud and even worse, blood. His tatty T-shirt was a deep red colour and I was shocked when I saw the amount of blood all over him, not just on his T-shirt but all over him. I didn't see Luke all day.

The next day was worse. Luke was at school too, but he didn't help much with getting David and I talking. The expression on  Luke's face was one of horror and fear when he saw the state David was in. I expected him to run to me scared but instead they both sat watching me, sometimes muttering to one another. I wandered what they were planning.

I'm still scared.
  It's been three weeks. Every night I lock my bedroom door and they scratch at the windows. I'm so scared. I've told Mum that I've been feeling ill and that means I've been able to stay at home for the last few days. I wont let them in the house. Mum believes that I'm ill - I'm pale and clammy and my skin is covered with a cold sweat. All day I sit there shivering, waiting, jumping at the slightest noise. Mum wants to take me to the hospital but I've told her it's just a bug. Mum has told me I either go to school or I go to the hospital, so I've got to go to school tomorrow. Dr Farr has told me again and again that they cant hurt me, that they cant touch me, but I'm so scared.

It's Friday and I can see them outside waiting for me. They've stopped scratching at the windows - they know I've got to go out in a minute.
  Mums picked up her keys, I'm walking towards the door. If Mum turns around now then she'll insist I go to the hospital. I'm a shivering wreck. I almost want her to see me. If she asks me now I'll tell her, I'll tell her everything.
    I step outside. Luke and David stand there. Eyes following me as I step into the car. There in the car behind me. I'm not going to look, I can't look, but I've already seen the knife. David's running his fingers over it, tapping his fingers on it - ting, ting, ting.
    Mum tells me that if I change my mind then Dad can come and pick me up, I could tell her now if I want to, I could tell her everything...
    "Mum..." I begin. We're outside the school.
    "What is it?" she asks searching my face, concern written all over her.
    "I... I need to tell you something..." She waits expectantly, patiently, and I cant tell her, I can't tell her, but somehow I must tell her, "I... I love you." I say lamely, I can't tell her, I can't talk about it.
    "I love you too honey," she says, relief washing over her face, quickly replaced with concern, "You know you can tell me anything, anytime - your more important than anything to me, your more important than work or school or money, If you need me, I'm here."
    "I know Mum." I reach to get out.
    "Wait!" I turn back, "Your father and I have noticed that you've been acting a little odd for the last couple of months, you've been spending less and less time with us, you sit in your room listening to music and when we do see you, you often stare into empty spaces and look a million miles away, and you jump at the slightest noise and even at nothing at all." She took a hasty breath before continuing. "I wouldn't be worried about most of it - your a teenager and whose to say what a teenagers like? And we're your parents of course you need space. But Mrs Doft told me that you've been spending less time with your friends too, she says you walk around by yourself and don't concentrate in lessons, your grades have dropped dramatically, and the teachers are worried your being bullied." She was close to tears now. "I just want you to be happy, I love you more than anything, you can talk to me whenever you need."
    I know mum's going to cry when I do this, but I can't look at her I can't reasure her I can't do anything.
    I turn away and open the door.
    I step out of the car and step away, deliberately placing each step, walking as if with purpose, It seems forever before I hear the car pull away, but when it does, I turn and watch the car speeding along the road.
  "Mum." I feel my heart crack.

I'm running from the school grounds, a teacher on my tail and the police on there way but more importantly, David and Luke determinedly chasing. The teacher drops back gasping for breath and I'm still running. I don't feel tired, I hardly feel at all, all I feel is a burning fire spreading through my body, burning my lungs, burning my legs, my mind, my heart, my soul, my body, all being burnt away with fear. The teacher calling my name but he's falling back. I'm on my own now, on my own with David and Luke.

I'm at the lighthouse, Mum would kill me if she knew. Luke's on my left at the base of the tall structure, arms folded, face blank, standing there blank, serious. David's on my right. staring at me, blood everywhere, his right hand curled around the knife. He takes a step forward, his face twisted in anger, eyes focused on me.
  The police have arrived. A man is walking slowly towards me. "It's OK. It will all be OK, come over here and we can talk about it. Just take one big step towards me." His voice is cautious, nervous, David's eyes flick towards the policeman, and fear rises within me, and I'm yelling.
  "Stop! Don't come any closer!"
  "OK," he says calmly, putting his hands out to the side. "I'll stay here, can you come to me so we can talk? Whatever it is that's bothering you I'm sure we can work it out, we can make it better."
  I realize how close to the edge of the cliffs I am. I feel like I should take at step forward away from the edge but I can only see Davids face, I don't want to take a step towards him.
  Dr Farr is there. He's struggling towards me, but Luke is holding him back, "He cant hurt you!" he yells "Go to the policeman, David can't hurt you or anyone else!"
  Dr Farr. Not Dr Farr. I cant believe it, but what else could all this mean? A hallucination can't hold back a real person, so Dr Farr can't be real.
  I feel my entire world crash down around me. No one understands, no one ever understood. The policeman is still talking, saying worthless things that I don't care for. My mum has arrived and is being held back by a police officer. She's screaming my name again and again. Dad is standing there quiet, shocked. But none of it matters, because Dr Farr isn't real.
  I look at Luke and Dr Farr and then to David.
  "You wrecked my life." I whisper.
  "No, you wrecked your own life." David corrected.
  "But how can I solve it David?"
  "You know how."
  "Tell me what I know David"
  He doesn't answer. Instead he steps towards me putting one foot in front of the other until he is just a few meters away from me.
  "Are you scared?" He asks, lifting the knife into the air, blood seeming to form on the blade as he examines it.
  "Yes." I reply, truthfully. I'd never been more afraid in my life and yet I feel calm, collected.
  "What are you scared of?"
  "You."
  "Wrong answer." he scolds, swinging the knife in front of him.
  "The knife?" He seems more angry, "Death? Pain? Fear? Blood?" I'm scared, and he just seems to get more angry with each rushed, wild guess.
  "Look at it in a different way - Why are you scared? Tell me that!"
  My heart leaps in my chest. He wants to kill me, he wants me dead. He thinks I'm useless. If I can't answer his questions he'll kill me, and I don't know the answer, I don't know.
  Why am I scared? Because a hallucination is facing me holding a knife? Because I don't know what to do? Because I think I'm going to die? Because the person who wants to kill me is a person I invented? Why did I invent David and Luke and Dr Farr? Why is my brain making David the person who is going to kill me? Do I want to die?
  My eyes flick up to meet his and he smiles. He raises his empty left hand and clicks.
  "I'm a hallucination, your imagination, alive only in your mind."
  He smiles. I know what I'm asking through David. Am I ready to accept myself? All of myself? David, Luke and Dr Farr included? Am I still afraid of myself? And can I forgive myself for killing David in that dream? Am I ready to do all that? Am I ready to share this part of me with the rest of the people in my life?
  "How do I know?"
  "You'll know." Once again his face twisted in anger, and he ran towards me raising his knife.

Dr Farr told me that he's not there, that he's a hallucination, my imagination, alive only in my mind. But its hard to believe that, when he's charging at me, tatty t-shirt covered in blood, wielding a familiar knife.

  Memories.
  Mum saying "Your more important than anything to me... if you need me I'm here."
  The whispered word I heard in the changing rooms the first time I hallucinated "Don't say anything."
  That first dream, the coldness, the beautiful knife.
  Walking home with David, his short dark hair, his deep voice, his mindless cheerful chatter, his tatty but clean T-shirt. His smile.
 
    I open my eyes, only now I realizing that I closed them.
    David stands there smiling, a real smile, a proud smile. His hands are empty, his arms reached to the side. He is clean of blood. He's still wearing his tatty T-shirt but it's back to it's former tatty glory, all of David is renewed - he's full of life.
    I step into his arms.
    "Come on," He says, "lets get away from this cliff and go have a chat with your mum."