The Shore

    I lay on the sand with my eyes closed, I see the red of my eyelids against he sunlight. What happened to the time? I am sweating against the band of my wristwatch, but I still don't think that time exists. It was only a week ago that I had deadlines, appointments, meeting agendas, and portfolios to look at. But, none of that exists right here, in this space. This space is warm, white, and silent. No, not silent. I can hear the water approaching then curling on itself, I feel the coolness of the waves when they approach and the heat when they retreat.

    It has been a long time since I've worn jeans. The butt and crotch of the pair I am lying in are being stretched out, I can feel it, but I don't care. The denim feels like home and I remember being at this place with the one my heart loves, but that was a long time ago. Or was it? I was wearing jeans then, too. But, my butt wasn't saggy and I didn't own a watch. He didn't know I loved him, and I was too afraid to say. Now, in the limbo I've created for myself, I wonder if he liked me? There were times it was as if he would hold my hand. It's funny. After an entire life, how something like a simple touch of skin could make you feel. Not feel the base way, no something more. Friendship? Maybe. Intimacy. But not lust. It is just a simple way of saying, "I think you're alright." No, he probably didn't. How could i know? I never took the time to hold my own hand.

    Skin once stretched across my frame. Now there are wrinkles and creases. Like drying mud on a desert. Will I crack? Will one earthquake finally tear my skin and body into two. Maybe I always have been of two minds. A woman, a worker. A dreamer, a realist. What is now? Allowing yourself to become a slave for a paycheck, for status, for that first meeting with someone when you see in their eyes that they are impressed. That's all gone now, and I am left with an after taste that tastes strangely like salt water.

  I turn my head towards the water and open my eyes. Everything seems too bright for human eyes, and I wonder if the salt water I taste are from that body of water. Did I make this never-ending lake? Is it filled with my tears? The water is too blue, too deep, for my eyes to see. The sands are bright white, too many for my eyes to see. I have taken off my shoes and let my feet dig into the sand, and it is coarse against the soft skin of my soles. So many years covered by shoes and not enough years in the sand. His face comes to my mind. He has been married for a while now, he has children. Every once in a while I will see his family and wonder.

  This shore is the realist place I have ever been. Here I have to face what I have done, and wonder if I have wasted my life. Years of chinese take-out because I couldn't get home to make dinner, friends with people from the office because that's where I spent all my time. Neices and nephews because I don't have children of my own. Exterminators because there is no one else to kill the scarey spiders. I have to shut my eyes again, because the sun, the shore, the water are all too bright. Has real life always been this extreme? My toes are digging into the coarse sand and I feel sand getting into my skin, my clothes,into my everything. Has real life always been this mesy? I am laying on the shore enjoying the heat of the sun with a cool breeze from my tears. Has real life always been this devastatingly simple?

      I must stand now. I do and feel my body sag in places. My hair is a mess. I grab what's left of myself and head towards my car, but i see a figure in the grass. I stop. Is this an apparition come to lead me home? Now that I've figured everything out must I leave this earth? Perhaps, I have always been dying and this small mercy of a day on the shore is a gift. This apparition from my heart and spirit has come to make my journey easier? The figure walks towards me and I feel myself wishing with everything that I had held his hand. Maybe I would have a family, friends, and something else. Maybe I should cross this shore to find out what that is. The one my heart loves comes to me and takes my hand. He hasn't said anything so I don't know if he is real or an apparition. I've surrendered and it doesn't matter anymore.