Hard being alone.

This is an especially hard time in my life.  I just turned 40 years old, and I suddenly realize how alone I am. I guess I never really thought about being lonely because I have had my God kids for so long.  And at one time I was someone important to them.  Now all but two are grown up, I rarely get to talk to the older ones save for the occasional text message.  And the other two are very materialistic and only need me when there is money to be spent.  OK, that's life.  The problem is that I dedicated myself so completely to other peoples kids, that I never realized until recently how much I still want my own.

   

But my world now is just full of one heartache after another.  I have a natural ability with kids. (except for the materialistic ones)  I don't know why, I have just always been a kid magnet. but this gift is a double edged sword. because I am a single man and therefore not allowed to adopt or even help kids, at least in Utah.  I am looked at like a freak every time I start a conversation about adopting a child.  Why am I not allowed to be a father to a non-biological child.  I have no criminal record, I pay my taxes, I contribute to society, whats the problem.  The people in charge of child organizations would rather see children stay within the system to meet their budget quota than fulfill the duties of their charter and let people like me make a real difference in a child's life.



Now I admit that a two parent adopted or biological family is best. but this scenario is not always possible. I know this because I took a child away from a crackhead when she was a baby and raised her for several years until CPS took her from me and gave her to a biological father that did not want her in the first place. I saw her first steps, I heard her first word. any real father will consider these things among the high points of their lives.  I have seen with my own eyes children given back to drug addicts while Iam left shaking my head. so as I said, Biological concerns should always come first. but how many thousands of children in this country don't have that option any longer.  There used to be a billboard here in the city that said an abused child is every ones child.  Is this just a public relations tool or do these folks really believe this.  in my experience its just a tool to make then look good.  Because I took that line literally and went to try to become a parent.  they pretty much laughed in my face and said get lost.  I am always forced to wonder how many of these workers actually have their own kids.



What gives them the right to tell me I am not qualified to raise kids.  You know we all see the commercials on T.V. about save the Animals, which is great.  And save the overseas children, also great.  But what about the kids right here in this country.  how much money is spent every month to improve the quality of our cell phones, computers, and other gadgets.  Billions of dollars are available to bail out banks, and build cars that can parallel park themselves.  How much money has been spent to fight the abuse, neglect, and ultimate homeless population of kids. 



I hear people say that our greatest resource is our kids, yea right.  drive down to any city park in your car that parks itself and count the number of homeless kids you see.  and trust me, if you look you can tell the difference between a homeless kid and a kid just visiting the park.  there is a park here where I live that is right under the police station and jail.  yet the park is full of homeless kids dealing drugs to survive.  And there is no shortage of pedophiles pimping out kids, and these kids stay because they have no other choice.  I know because I have had more than one run in with these sick walking waste of flesh adults who have these kids scared into doing whatever they want.  Unfortunately these forgotten kids will grow up fast and become members of the next generation of criminals.



I am not saying I have all the answers.  I just know that if given a chance I could turn a kids life around.  Its a case of societies priorities being screwed up.  how many people want to leave behind a legacy of wealth and power.  that's fine for some. but what about those of us who want to leave behind a greater more honorable legacy.  one that starts with an abused neglected child coming to live with someone who shows them love, compassion, understanding, and positive discipline.  breaking the cycle of abuse.  then hopefully as a very old man, my children stand at my bed and say thanks, you did right, and we will continue what you started.  that is what I want. 



I guess now I just have to make enough noise until people in power hear me.  it makes me sick that children are split up from their siblings.  sometimes treated as bad by child services as the people they were taken from. and me not allowed to help..  well screw that, I am done asking.  kids need help.  you know what is really sad.  My God kids have two of the best parents there are. yet they think their lives suck and they are abused.  they are oblivious to the reality that there are kids out there that would be happy to do the dishes, and take out the garbage, just to have a roof over their heads, and an adult who treats them well. 



In my personal opinion from what I have seen the wrong people are in charge of children's lives once they are in the system.  and the workers who do really care are stretched so thin and have no real power, they eventually burn out.  things have to change.  So if anyone knows of a place where a loving, nurturing, family oriented safe environment is more important than the Biological letter of the law, please contact me.