Caught in the Act

CAughT in the act

It was a beautiful spring morning and Mr Tibb’s the cat was playing in the back garden and happily destroying all the life he could get his paws on.
Mr Tibb’s was a black cat, that is to say that he was almost all black except for a white flash, just below his chin.

Mr Tibb’s was a typical four year old cat, by this I mean that he was sly, loving when he needed to be, liked to be fussed at his own terms, liked the warmth of a Human lap, slept a lot and was a thoroughly highly tuned killing machine.

At this very moment he was jostling for position, he was sitting on his rear legs, sort of moving his body back and forth gently and was getting ready to pounce. The object of his fascination was a cabbage white butterfly. At the optimum moment Mr Tibbs launched himself heavenwards and took the cabbage white into his jaws. He landed as always on all four pours and after playing with the butterfly for a moment or two, killed it stone dead and swallowed it whole.
Mr Tibb’s then rolled over on the grass and enjoyed the early spring sunshine.

As he lay there and purred with the joys of life, a new object entered his territory. It was a buzzing honeybee. This was a new experience for Mr Tibb’s, he had never before seen such a funny looking thing and the noise it was making intrigued him. He watched the honeybee and its erratic flight with interest.
“Here” thought Mr Tibb’s “is a new challenge”
Mr Tibb’s sat up on his haunches and watched with interest as the honeybee flew about the garden. He then positioned himself so as he was sat on his hind legs and with his head moving gently in circles as he watched, at the optimum moment he launched himself upwards and grabbed hold of the honeybee by its wings and as he landed on all four paws he bit into the wings and let the honeybee drop wingless onto the green grass.
Mr Tibb’s watched in a fascinated gaze as the honeybee walked around and round in circles. After a while Mr Tibb’s became bored with the new creature and with one swipe of his paw he struck it stone dead.
Aside
It is strange but true, that only cats have the ability to deal with wasps and bees and to never get stung. This is true if you don’t believe me ask your dad or google away until you find the answer.
……………………………

As Mr Tibb’s sat and washed his paw he heard a voice from his house.
“Mr Tibb’s, Mr Tibbs, dinner time Mr Tibb’s”
Mr Tibb’s looked towards the house and thought for a moment.
“I need to do my business first”

Mr Tibb’s being a somewhat clever cat had never done his business in his own garden, after all, one should never shit on one’s own doorstep or so the saying goes.
Mr Tibb’s turned and looked towards the six foot fence that separated his garden from the one next door and without a seconds thought, he leapt towards the fence and within seconds he sat upon the top of it and looked down on the next door neighbours garden.

It was a very nice garden and one that Mr Tibb’s appreciated in his own way (we will come to why shortly).
It had a beautiful green lawn, one that had been clipped to perfection. The boarders were loaded with spring bedding plants although mostly they were just green buds at the moment but they had the promise of a wonderful seasons colour to come.

The thing that Mr Tibb’s appreciated about this garden though was that the earth was dug regularly and as such it was very soft.
Mr Tibb’s dropped down to earth in an elegant catlike fashion and after surveying the area, he picked the spot that he would use this day to mark his territory. Mr Tibb’s positioned then re-positioned himself for the deed that he was to perform and then did his business, after which, him not being a dirty cat, he used his back legs to sweep soil over the soiled area and to cover over the shit that had just been deposited.

Mr Tibb’s was happy as he launched himself back over the fence and went home to dinner.
Every thing in the garden seemed to be rosy.

Later that day, Johnny Grump the owner of the house next door walked into his garden and surveyed all that he had created.

“There he was
Digging a hole
Hole in the ground
So big and sorta round” sang Bernard Cribbins from the old black and white radio from the shed.

Johnny Grump hated every one and every thing and as such had lived on his own since he had been retired from his job as an engine driver on the railway.

There was one thing, however that he did love and that was his garden. Johnny worked hard to make his garden a thing of beauty and was very proud of what he had created.
He had just returned from the garden centre with an assortment of bedding plants and after deciding where he was going to plant them, he started to dig holes and to bed them in.
Johnny Grump smiled as he enjoyed his task.

“Eauhg, what, what’s this”
shouted Johnny Grump in an angry voice and as he looked down at where he had been digging earth out with his hands, he noticed that he had cat shit on his hands and in his finger nails.
“That bloody cat, I will kill it if it comes into my garden again.
Johnny Grump went over to his water tank and started to wash his hands
“I must remember to scrub my nails tonight” said Johnny at the top of his voice in the hope that the neighbours would here him, “bloody cat”

Johnny Grump continued with his gardening for the rest of the afternoon and as he gardened, Mr Tibb’s who had finished his dinner and who now felt quite tired had climbed upon Johnny Grumps side of the extended roofs and sat there for a moment or two. He watched for a moment as Johnny Grump Gardened and looked as though he perhaps thought:
“What a nice chap to loosen up the ground for me”

Mr Tibb’s purred a little as he washed himself and after licking his bottom once or twice he curled himself into a ball and went off to the land of nod and dreamed of catching mice and rats and perhaps the odd gerbil or two, it is indeed a cats life.

Johnny Grump turned from his planting and looked at his box of bedding plants to decide what plant to dig in next.
“It is a nice day,” thought Johnny as he looked heavenwards.
“What, what” shouted Johnny at the top of his voice, as he saw the sleeping Mr Tibb’s.
“Get off of my roof you flee bitten bastard”.

Mr Tibb’s purred and snored away contented, that is until he was hit by a flying clod of earth followed closely by more clods as Johnny Grump went mad with anger.
Mr Tibb’s, not one to stay where he was not wanted turned and ran into the first open window that was available. This was unfortunately Johnny Grumps bedroom window, which started Johnny off on another round of shouting.
“I’ll have you, you little bastard,” shouted Johnny as he ran towards his house and cursed and cursed as he climbed the staircase inside.
Mr Tibb’s not being familiar with the territory that he was in decided to mark it and sprayed the wall and bed sheets in a way that is instinctive to cats.
SLAM, went the door as Johnny Grump slammed it open “Were are you, you little shit” shouted Johnny and just as he had finished his cursing he saw the tail of Mr Tibb’s just leaving his Bedroom by the window.
“I’ll have you, cat” shouted Johnny running towards the window and picking up a bone china ornament he threw it from the window in the direction of where he thought the cat had gone.
CRASH came the sound of the broken ornament from next doors garden.
“Bloody cat” thought Johnny Grump, “That was a family heirloom and was worth a fortune. I will have him though”
……………………….

The next day Johnny Grump stood on the doorstep of the next-door neighbours house and rapped loudly on the knocker.
After a short while, the door was opened by a little old lady who smiled welcomingly at him.
“If your cat comes into my garden and shits in my flower beds again I will kill it” spake Johnny Grump.
“It’s a cat, that’s what cats do, you can’t control the habits of cats” said the little old lady softly.
“It’s your cat, keep it out of my garden”
“Have you thought of planting some of them Scardy Cat plants, they are supposed to keep cats away from garden?”
“I planted some last week and it seems that your cat liked them as he shat all around them, I got covered in cat shit as I was weeding”
“Oh dear” said the lady softly “I don’t know what else to suggest then”
“Just keep your cat out of my garden or it will be the worst for him”
“I will speak to him when I see him” said the old lady
“You better have” replied Johnny Grump as he walked away in a hot heated sweat.
“Oh dear” thought the lady as she closed the door “I don’t think he is at all well”
“Mr Tibb’s called the lady as she went into the front room.
There on the poof all curled up and purring happily snoozed Mr Tibb’s.
“Mr Tibb’s, you really should try to avoid the garden next door as the owner doe’s not look at all well and it seems that you are upsetting him” said the old lady softly as she stroked Mr Tibb’s.
“You are a beautiful cat though,” thought the old girl.
“Mr Tibb’s purred and snoozed on as only cats can do.
It really is a cat’s life.
……………………………..

The next day, after he had had some fun with a few field mice, who were now headless and laying on the grass in his garden, Mr Tibb’s decided that it was time to go and do his business in the next-door garden. He launched himself up the fence and as he arrived at the top, he surveyed the garden below.
“How nice of Johnny Grump to soften the ground for me” thought Mr Tibb’s.
And with this thought he leapt down and after landing on all fours he set about doing his business.
“Ahhh, that’s better” thought Mr Tibb’s as he relieved himself, after which he covered his leavings and climbed the fence back to his own garden and went into his house or his tea.

“Hello Mr Tibb’s” said the little old lady, “Your dinner is all ready for you, and you look famished”
Mr Tibb’s set about his food with a will and as he was eating the old lady heard a roar of cursing from the garden next door.
“Oh Dear” she thought as she closed the door to shut out the noise.

“That Bloody cat, I will have it,” shouted Johnny Grump as he washed cat shit and weeds from his hands
“I will kill it stone dead, I will mince it up and fertilise my flowers with it, where are you, you little shit” shouted Johnny as he hunted around the garden looking under bush after bush.
Johnny Grump was plainly going mad, all of this cat shit business had finally gotten to him and his blood was fair boiling.
Johnny looked out of round bloodshot mad eyes as he planned what he was going to do to Mr Tibb’s when he had caught him.

Johnny dribbled spittle down his chin as he talked to himself and made his way into his house.
“Gonna ave im” was all that could be heard.
…………………………………………

Later that evening Johnny Grump was in his kitchen doing the washing up and happily looking out of the window into his garden, all of the plants were coming along nicely now. As he washed and dried he listened to his old black and white radio as the Beetles sang about the 4000 holes in Blackburn Lancashire.

“They wanna come around here and see what that cat has done,” laughed Johnny Maniacally.

As Johnny looked out of the window he noticed Mr Tibb’s sitting on the top of his rear fence.
Johnny Grumps jaw dropped (in the proverbial Codfish manner) as Mr Tibb’s dropped onto his lawn and proceeded to make a hole in the ground so as to do his business.

“I will have that cat,” shouted Johnny as he picked up a number 5 iron from his golf bag and went rushing into the garden.

“Get out of my garden you shameless defiler of the ground” and other such niceties shouted Johnny as he threw the 5-iron in the direction of Mr Tibb’s.
Mr Tibb’s fair shat himself as the 5-iron whizzed by.

“Fuck this for a laugh” mewed Mr Tibb’s as he launched himself at the fence and once at the top he looked back fleetingly and saw Johnny Grump baring down on him.
Johnny too launched himself at the fence, which made a load bang as he hit it and bounced back onto the garden floor and at the same time Mr Tibb’s jumped off of it and ran straight out into the street and into the path of an oncoming car.

Johnny Grump returned to conscience a few minutes later.
“Ow” spake Johnny as rubbed his head, “I need a cool beer”. And off he went to the kitchen fridge to get a nice can of Foster’s.
“Ah” thought Johnny, “this will help me sleep”.

Johnny drank his can of beer and having enjoyed it he pulled the rings of a few more.
“This is the life,” thought he.
He then looked out of his window and saw once again, Mr Tibb’s doing his business under one of the Hosta’s.
“I’ll have you, you bastard,” shouted Johnny as he grabbed his 5-iron and ran out into the garden.
Johnny looked and looked but he just could not find Mr Tibb’s but he was forming plans as he walked back into his house and as he walked he could be heard to utter, “Dig holes and put bamboo shoots in, perhaps mantraps, Cat traps more like” Johnny roared maniacally with laughter at this one.
He was still laughing as he went to bed but the tears of laughter soon turned to tears of sadness, Johnny really was going off on his way to La, La land.

The next night after a really quiet day in the garden Johnny was once again washing and drying when once again he saw Mr Tibb’s in his garden going about his business.
“I will have that cat,” shouted Johnny as he once again picked up the number 5-iron from his golf bag and went rushing into the garden.
“Where are you, you little baggage, you” shouted Johnny Grump as he looked and looked all around the garden.
Although Johnny could not find Mr Tibb’s, once again he started to dribble down his chin as he made plans about how he was going to do away with the flee bitten cat.
Johnny went back into his house and drank himself into a drunken stupor, but before he passed out he vowed to have a few words with the little old Lady next door.
…………………………………..

The next day after he had gotten up and washed and shaved Johnny Grump treated himself to a full English breakfast and over this handsome culinary delight he discussed with himself what he was going to say to the bitch next door.

“Keep that flea bitten bastard out of my garden” no that’s not right. Said Johnny to himself,
“How about, if that bastard cat comes into my garden again, I will cut its dangly bits off, no that’s no good he may already have lost them”, what do you think asked Johnny of himself
“How about, I have just brought a shot gun and I will blow the blighters brains out”, that might work, thought Johnny.

Johnny Grump washed up his breakfast things, keeping a good eye on the garden in the process after which, he tucked in his shirt and made his way to the house next door.

Rat-a-Tat-Tat went the doorknocker as Johnny Grump knocked upon the door.
The little old lady smiled as she peered out from the door that she had just opened and said, “Good morning, how can I help you”
“You can help me by keeping your flee-bitten cat off of my garden, I saw him in there again last night, what’s up with him are there no other gardens that he can ruin”.
“You are mistaken,” replied the little old lady with a tear in her eye “Mr Tibb’s was knocked over by a car and killed two night’s ago”
“Who is Mr Tibb’s and what’s he got to do with it”?
“Mr Tibb’s was my cat, you heartless beast”
“I saw him in my garden last night doing his business again”
“You are mistaken” shouted the old lady, “now fuck off you moody old sod before I call my Son’s to come round and sort you out” and with these words and a tear in her eye, the little old lady slammed the door closed.
Johnny Grump Looked at the closed door and thought to himself “What a lying old bitch, I know what I saw” and with this thought he turned away from the door and made his way back home.

Johnny Grump watched from his kitchen window every night and as ever at the turn of midnight Mr Tibb’s was waiting for him.
Johnny watched as Mr Tibb’s dropped down onto his garden and then positioned himself at the ready to do his business but on every occasion, as Johnny Grump grabbed a hold of his 5-iron and ran into the garden he could not find Mr Tibb’s.

But on the last night of his life Johnny Grump did indeed come to grips with Mr Tibb’s.
Johnny was happily swigging beer from a can of Foster’s when he saw out of the kitchen window Mr Tibb’s sitting on the lawn.
“I have got you now” roared Johnny Grump as he ran into the garden, and as he ran towards Mr Tibb’s, he saw that the cat was sitting on it’s haunches and positioning itself to leap at Johnny.
Johnny Grump stopped just as Mr Tibb’s launched himself at him.
Johnny raised his hands to catch Mr Tibb’s but Mr Tibbs went straight through his chest and out the other side there to disappear in a puff of ghostly smoke as he went off to cat heaven.
Johnny Grump clutched at his chest as he dropped to the ground and as he landed face down in one of the Scardy Cat plants he was stone dead.

Johnny Grump’s body was found a few days later, after all he did not have many friends. The house was locked up and the garden went to rack and ruin as the solicitors of the estate tried to find some living relatives to send the proceeds to.

………………….

On a cold night in late spring a cat leapt up on top of once was Johnny Grump’s garden and seeing that no one was about, he dropped down gracefully and started to dig in the ground so as to do his business.

Just as the cat squeezed, the ghost of Johnny Grump came rushing towards it with a ghostly 5-iron in his hand. The poor cat did not even have time to shit itself. It saw Johnny and was off as fast as it could go never to return to this garden again.

Cats never visit Johnny Grump’s garden now. It is a cat free zone. So if you are a keen Gardner, you may well be lucky enough to buy Johnny’s house and have a nice cat shit free garden.
Failing that you could always light a candle to the ghost of Johnny Grump and put it in your garden shed………………….