Truth Is...

          “You have to promise not to judge me.”

          It was a simple enough request to make. I always was one for a good story; a juicy little piece of gossip to help me get through the usual drab and dreary day. My curiosity surrounding my mysterious coworker Blaine had gotten the better of me. I would have agreed to just about anything in order to get in on the secret.

          We sat in my car, I in the driver’s seat and he in the passenger’s side. Our faces were mostly covered in shadows but I could still make out those entrancing blue eyes that had always made me stare. Blaine in himself had always been an enigma I often gabbed over in the company of girlfriends. He was absolutely beautiful but every now and then he had the expression of a tortured person and the misery he often tried to hide behind those eyes could never have been more apparent.

          I frequently found myself flirting with Blaine and sometimes he would flirt back, sometimes he would simply stare through me. Earlier that day at work he had appeared to be upset about something after getting off the phone and I was not about to miss out on my opportunity. I asked him if there was anything he needed to talk about, just to get off his chest and that I was always good for conversation. He said it was not a good time but promised we could talk later. So I invited him for coffee after work and then before I knew it here we were.

          “I just don’t know where to begin,” he said.

          “How about the beginning?”

          He cocked his head to one side as if thinking and then he said, “How much do you know about me, Jennifer?”

          “Not much, but I would love to get to know more.” I hoped it was the right answer.

          “I’m not so sure about that.”

          What was with this guy anyway? I gently laid a hand on his shoulder. “Look. I just want you to know that I’m someone you can talk to. You can trust me.”

          “I don’t… I mean I’d like to believe that. But it’s hard to trust anyone anymore and—”

          “Oh believe me, I know exactly how you feel,” I said. “I can totally relate—”

          “Just… stop.”

          Damn. I’d already put my foot in my mouth.

          He smiled, even if it was in a shy, condescending sort of way. “Don’t say you can relate to something when you don’t even know what it is yet.”

          Yet was a good sign. He planned on telling me.

          “Sorry. But what could possibly be so bad?”

          “Do you really want to know?”

          “If I didn’t do you think I would ask?”

          He was silent for a minute and his eyes were far away, like he was weighing the consequences of exposing his sceret to me. “I suppose we are friends, right?”

          I smiled. “I guess that would be up to you. Friends are honest with each other.”

          He sighed deeply and then we sat in silence for several minutes. Finally he spoke. “The truth is… there’s so much more to it than anybody knows. I’ve only told one person about it and they didn’t hesitate to tell me what a horrible person I am. After that I didn’t want to tell anyone the truth ever again.”

          “I’m sure I can handle it,” I said.

          “If I tell you my secret you have to listen to the whole story and not interrupt me.”

          I nodded and mimed fastening my lips with an imaginary zipper. And then he said it: “And above all Jen, you have to promise not to judge me. Do you promise?”

          Of course I did. Who am I to judge?

          “Well you know Tracy, right? She comes into see me a lot at work?”

          I remembered all right. “Yeah that little blonde girl? I thought I heard someone say she was your cousin.”

          He shook his head. “My fiancé.”

          My heart grew tight for a few seconds and I began to feel incredibly stupid. “Why would people say she’s your cousin?”

          “Because I tell them that. But you promised not to interrupt. Just hear me out.” I nodded and closed my mouth tightly.

          “You have to understand, Jen. She’s psychotic. Accuses me of cheating all the time, throws things at me and cuts her wrists open just so I can see her bleed for me on the outside too. Can you believe that? I’ve wanted to break off the engagement for so long but I’m afraid she’ll severely hurt herself or someone else. And I know it’s crazy but I really do love her. I just…can’t live with her all the time. So I find comfort with other women.

          “First there was Janine, she was always so sympathetic. She could relate to me because she has a controlling boyfriend of her own. I guess we just talked a while before we became… well, rather close. But we always had to meet together in secret in case either one of them found out—it would have been very bad for both of us.

          “Then… there’s Morgan. Recently she confessed to me that she has always had feelings for me and I knew I couldn’t deny anymore that I have feelings for her too. It’s pretty much the same with Marta…”

          “All of these women work with us,” I broke my oath of silence at last. “So you were pretty much working your way through all of our coworkers until you finally got to me?”

          “It’s nothing like that. All of these girls and I started off as friends. But Tracy is so jealous she won’t allow me to have friends so I have to go about it in secret. Put under all the pressure I somehow end up close to all of them and it becomes more than that.”

          I bit down on my lip, willing my words to stay inside of me as best as I could. If I interrupted again he might stop.

          “Tracy just refuses to trust me. Even in the beginning she did. It started with my ex-girlfriend Heidi. Tracy knew I still had feelings for her at the start of our relationship. One night I went over to Heidi’s—just to talk, I swear—and I confessed to her that I knew she was the girl that I was supposed to be with and that I often wished that Tracy was her. Well somehow one of Tracy’s friends found out I had gone over there—as well as what I had said to Heidi. She said she forgave me for it but since then she has never cut me any slack. That’s why I act the way I do. I know I have a problem, Jen, but I know the reason why is because of her. I’ve told her over and over again that a relationship is nothing without trust. Without her trust just look at what she made me become.”

          Only a moment ago there were so many things I wanted to say to him, but now all words had completely abandoned me. I only knew that I wasn’t seeing the handsome, enigmatic face of my coworker any longer. In my eyes all the features melted away and I was staring right into the face of my ex-boyfriend Daniel. Everything that Blaine had said reminded me so much of him. All the women and all of the excuses—how typical it was to just blame everything on the girl. I was so clearly seeing my former situation through the eyes of a third party that it made me feel sick.           The first part of my promise at this point was easy—I couldn’t find words to interrupt with if I tried. But as for the second part…who was I to judge him? At least, out loud.

          “I have to lie to her all the time in order to have any friends. Right now she believes I’m visiting my sick grandmother. I have to go through all of that just to talk to you. Now do you see where I’m coming from here?”

          I turned my face away from him so he couldn’t see the tears spilling over. He sounded more and more like Daniel each second. If you would just let me have a friend every now and then, Jennifer, I wouldn’t be so drawn to cheating on you. I don’t like being this way but it’s because of what you make me. Would you just stop smothering me?

          I no longer cared for solving the great mystery. Now that I had, I wished I hadn’t. I may have felt more at rest thinking that there weren’t actually more men like him in the universe.

          “The truth is I love women!” Blaine was saying now. “I think every woman in the world is beautiful in her own way. I wish there was a way that I could reach out to all of them. How can I be asked to just shut off to all of them and only be allowed to love one? Does that make me a horrible person?”

          I sniffed very loudly and betrayed myself. He stopped talking and turned my face toward him, then saw that I was crying. I wrapped me tightly in a hug and I went limp in his arms. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorr—”

          “Stop saying that.” I jerked away from him. “I’m not the one you should be saying it to.”

          “But obviously what I said has hurt you,” he said. “I’m terrible.”

          “No. You just don’t care who you hurt. If you did you wouldn’t be here now.”

          “But I—”

          “How can you say you love all women when you don’t even know how to love one?” I could hear my voice rising.

          “You said that you wouldn’t judge me. You said I could trust you. Friendships and relationships are nothing without trust. Don’t you know that’s why I told you?”

          “But you didn’t have to, Blaine. Sure, I am glad that you can come to me. And I’m flattered that you’re willing to share something so deep. But you didn’t have to tell me a word if you didn’t want to and nothing would have been different between us. I am not the one you are hurting here. And I know it’s not fair for me to judge you for the things that others have done to me, but this girl has the right to know how you feel.”

          “I need to be with someone who can trust me,” he said.

          “And she needs someone she can trust. Stop wasting both of your time.”

          “Thanks for the input Jennifer,” he said. “Good talking to you. Now promise me that not a word of this leaves this car.”

          “I’m not telling anyone,” I said. “That’s what you need to do. At least do the girl a favor and let her go. If you can’t love only her then let her find someone else who can.”

          “It’s not going to be pretty…”

          “It never is. But then again, neither is this. It gets better.”

          He swept his hair back and rested his forehead on his palm. “I don’t know… I mean I wouldn’t even know where to begin.”

          I squeezed his shoulder. “Start with the truth.” His eyes clouded with uncertainty until his gaze met mine. He stared into me for a minute, questioningly. “It will be alright,” I said. “Do you trust me?”