Stand My Ground

The shrill and persistant beeping of the alarm clock brought an unwelcome reminder that morning was here and it was time to get up. Kate groaned and rolled over in the wide bed, pulling the duvet up over her head in a vain attempt to shut out the morning and the noise.

"Kate? Kate, are you awake?" A gentle knock on the door accompanied the soft spoken query and Kate knew that she couldn't hide in the bed any longer.

"I'm awake," she replied, throwing the covers back and slowly climbing out of bed.

"I'll get breakfast ready, then." The sound of footsteps receding down the hallway could be heard through the closed door as Kate turned off the insistent alarm.

The grey light filtering through the chink in the curtains told Kate that it was still raining outside, as it had done so every day that week. The grey and miserable weather seemed to match her mood perfectly these days. In fact, it felt as though nothing could bring sunlight into her life anymore. Certainly, her life had been dark and grey since ...

Kate shook her head decisively, her wavy blond hair bouncing around her shoulders. No, she was not going to think about that, not until she needed to. For now she would concentrate on having a quick shower, getting dressed and going downstairs to eat breakfast with her parents. Those were hard enough tasks for now....

The shower helped revive her and, whilst it washed her body clean, she didn't feel clean in her mind. She didn't think she would ever feel clean again. Would she ever?

The blue linen skirt with its matching jacket hung on the wardrobe door where she had hung it last night. Teamed with a simple, white cotton blouse it was a smart but modest outfit. Her interview outfit she had often called it. Certainly not the sort of outfit that a young, outgoing and vibrant university student would normally wear. These days she felt as though that person was buried beneath so many layers, hidden from the rest of the world so that no one would notice her, want her.

As she entered the small, country kitchen her mother looked up from the dishes that she was washing. A hesitant smile tugged at the corners of a mouth that recently had so often been taut with pain.

"I'll put a fresh pot of tea on," she said, drying her hands as she crossed to the kettle.

Kate nodded as she sat at the table, a small bowl of cereal sat in front of her but she made no move to start eating it. There had been a time when she had enjoyed sitting around a breakfast table, eating cereal, thinking over the events of the coming day, planning her movements. Her only worries those of any student, cash and assignments. Nowadays those worries seemed so minor and insignificant compared to the thoughts that currently filled her head.

Her father was waiting for her in the car when she had finished her breakfast. His mood quiet and sombre, lost in the memory of events that had changed their lives irrevocably. Kate said nothing as she got in beside him. There seemed to be no words that could be spoken that would make things better.

The town centre seemed busier than normal, most people seeming to hang around the town square where the court house stood. Journalists and television crews mingled with the townsfolk as they watched people coming and going outside the court.

"You okay?"

Kate turned and looked at her father as he parked the car in the court house car park. It was the first time that he had spoken since she had gotten in the car.

"I don't know," Kate replied. It was true. At the moment she didn't want to think about how she felt. That led to too many questions, answers she didn't want to hear and memories she most definitely didn't want to remember.

"You will be." It wasn't an order, just a simple reassurance that at some time in the future she would be okay. Kate just wished that she had his faith.

Inside the courthouse, people stood together in small groups, whispering amongst themselves, looking at other groups, watching, judging. Kate headed over to where a tall man in an expensive suit stood with another man.

"Morning, Kate," he greeted. "How are you feeling?"

If there was one question that Kate hated hearing it was that one. She had heard it so many times over the past few months that she wanted to scream that she was not okay, she would never be okay, she could never be okay. Instead she just smiled and said, "I'm fine."

"You will be." He picked up his case and looked at her. "All you need to remember is to tell the truth, tell them what happened in as much detail as you gave me. They won't win, Kate, if you can stand your ground and stay firm."

Stand your ground? That was easy to say but not easy to do, Kate thought as she heard her name called out. Time to walk through the courtroom and take the stand.

Could she stand her ground? Kate wondered as she stood in the witness box. Could she be firm? She wasn't sure. It meant going back to a time where all she had felt had been fear, pain, anger and despair. A blackness seeping through her soul, tainting everything in her life, taking all enjoyment and pleasure from her.

Her eyes glanced around the room, stopping as they met his eyes, mocking and cruel, daring her to tell her story to the waiting members of the jury and the audience that had gathered to watch the trial.

She felt as though a rod of steel had been inserted in her backbone, spreading throughout her body, strengthening her, giving her courage where before there had been none.

Could she be firm, stand her ground? Yes, she thought, as the memories of that night flooded throughout her body. Images played through her mind like a film strip, silently replaying every second whilst her body felt every touch, every sensation that she had experienced.

It hurt, it wounded, it flayed her alive like a whip across her tender young flesh but she knew she had to do this. She had to stand her ground and get through this living nightmare so that she could emerge on the other side feeling okay, getting stronger, healing.

Lifting her chin, she looked the prosecuting lawyer in the eye and began to tell her story in a clear and strong voice. Each word giving her the strength to continue until it was told. Each word healing her, bringing her back into the world that had once brought her so much pleasure and enjoyment of life.