The Male Wedding Planner- Chapter 1

Please find below a sample of the novel that I am currently writing. I would be very interested in hearing your thoughts and comments....

PROLOGUE

Michael Rouass found that his job as a wedding planner opened many doors to beautiful women. Okay so some were not as beautiful as others, but beggars can’t be choosers can they?! He always made it his policy to stay away from brides but considered bridesmaids, sisters, cousins and let’s face it a few mothers of the bride all perks of his job.

A male wedding planner, you say? How can that be? Is he...stage whisper...”homosexual?!” Well let me explain it to you... Mike came across the lucrative field of wedding planning whilst planning his own wedding some years before. The wedding didn’t actually happen in the end (the then 24 year old Michael had been caught in bed with the wedding planner) but he did discover that for all of his innate manliness and outward sexuality (his words not mine!) he did indeed enjoy things to be pretty and flamboyant and over the top (there is a long running poll with most of our friends that he is gay…if he ever comes out of the closet I could win some serious cash!!). But as he has spent the last few years banging any female in the Cheshire area who’ll have him I’m afraid that I’m going to remain disappointed in that area.

Dumping the wedding planner the day after they had been discovered (turned out she was a bottle blonde and her real hair colour was ginger- I don’t think I need to go into minute detail of how he found out but trust me Mike hates gingers), he’d stolen her filo-fax and deciding that he could do the job much better than she could opened his own company “Fantasia…everything your heart desires” the very next day.

He started off small. Owing to his indiscretion, his fiancée (she always was a clever girl) called off the wedding and unceremoniously kicked him out of their brand new house which her daddy had bought them as a wedding present and out onto the street. Okay, maybe not the street but his mum and dad’s sofa which wasn’t much better. He couldn’t blame her really, he’d always known she was too good for him. He'd even managed to convince himself that this was why he’d done what he’d done- to make her end it. What’s up, don’t you believe him? Neither do we, he never could keep his dick in his pants!!

So operation “Fantasia” (have you ever heard of a more homosexual name for a business??), started out of his mum and dad’s garden shed. To begin with he used Leanne (the dirty wedding planner)’s contacts to try and get himself set up. The only problem was that she apparently didn’t have a great name for herself in the industry what with her shagging the grooms and half of the weddings being cancelled and all. So he did what he did best…got himself invited to as many weddings as possible, shagged the bridesmaids, mothers, aunties, cousins and let’s face it some brides and got shit faced.

Doesn’t sound like great research you say? I didn’t think so either. But what I haven’t explained is that our Mike despite what his actions would point to is a very clever bloke. He’d been the first member of the family to go to University and had actually got a 1st in Business Management from Oxford!! To this day mum and dad think he must have shagged the examiner but he swears he sat the exam!! So he went to loads of his rich friend’s weddings (we do live in Cheshire darling!) and their rich friends weddings and some other people who turned a blind eye at him turning up un-invited as he was so handsome he made the pictures look nice, and learned a lot along the way.

Once the research was done his only problem was of a financial nature. Being the way he was he hadn’t managed to find a career that suited him when he’d left Uni. He’d tried recruitment and with all his bull-shitting you’d think that he’d have been successful. But no, he shagged the boss and got fired when he dumped her two days later when she wouldn’t give him a raise. He always was a greedy beggar!

From there he was a graduate trainee for a well known sportswear company, but you guessed it, he got fired. Not for shagging the boss this time but something infinitely more serious- the bosses daughter! Sorry should I re-phrase that…the bosses “teenage daughter”. He managed to stop them from pressing charges but to this day he can’t go within 3 miles of Glossop for the threat of being shot by her father. So if you were looking to have your wedding up in the hills you’ll be sadly disappointed folks as this wedding planner is not allowed past the M62!

Then there was his next job as an account manager for a soft drinks company. He was actually quite good at this job and didn’t manage to do anyone any harm here, but to be fair the majority of the people that worked there were men and the rest of them were mingers! (It's true I didn’t believe him until I went to the office Christmas party with him!) But lo and behold this is where he met his future bride to be. And no, before you ask she wasn’t one of the mingers! She was one of the mingers sisters, a gorgeous, sweet little thing two years younger than him and pure as the driven snow i.e. she wouldn’t let him get into her knickers on the first date- I liked her straight away!

She was called Chloe and she came from a rich family in Wilmslow. Her father owned loads of different companies along with half of Cheshire and regularly appeared on the local “Richest” lists.

Chloe was brought up as a strict Catholic and didn’t believe in sex before marriage. Mike still doesn’t know if this is what the attraction had been in the first place. I mean maybe it had been the challenge- the thrill of the chase? Well, we’ll never know as he’s unlikely to ever come across Chloe again. I hear she’s getting married to some big-shot financier who runs a hedge fund in London city so at least she landed on her feet.

But what became of Michael you say? Well its funny you should ask………

…..allow me to introduce myself. I’m Ellie, Mike’s partner in the wedding planning business. What would have possessed me to go into business with him you ask? Well I’m also his long suffering twin sister and to be honest, he’s bloody good at his job! Or he is when he isn’t getting himself into trouble as usual…….

CHAPTER ONE

ELLIE
         
It was finally the day of the Hennessey “Pride and Prejudice” extravaganza wedding at Lyme Park where the BBC adaptation had been filmed. We’d been planning the wedding for the last 12 months and I was hoping against hope that it would go off without a hitch as our wedding planning business “Fantasia” could certainly use the cash injection that the 30% commission of the £100k wedding and the completion bonus would bring, and there was absolutely no way that I was going to give Mike any more of my money to plough into the business.

I had already sorted out several small problems including shooing the wandering ducks off the lawn as the brides grandma was allergic and threatening a heart attack (I swear she making it up for attention), not to mention the fact that the manager was claiming that we did not have the correct permit for the firework display. Luckily for me the big smile, £100 donation and the ink-jet printer in his office had sorted that one out and we were now in possession of a permit (sort of- shhhhhh).

My biggest problem now, other than the groom being slightly tipsy and currently having coffee thrown down his throat by our assistant Eva, was the fact that I couldn’t find my brother who was also my business partner and had been in charge of planning most of the wedding and was responsible for making sure it all went off properly.

Scanning the lawns for him I nearly tripped over the vicar who came running out of the chapel shouting something about “Satan’s sins being carried out in the vestry”. No prizes for guessing where my useless brother Mike was then. Grabbing the vicar by the arm and offering hit a shot of whisky which I had secreted in my pocket in case the groom needed some Dutch courage; I managed to pull him back into the chapel and out of earshot of the congregation.

“What’s the problem Reverend Johns?” I asked him, already fully aware that this would be where Mike was hiding. The good reverend couldn’t quite look at me put pointed his finger at the door to the vestry whilst looking at his feet. And lo and behold there in the vestry with the door wide open was my brother Mike, engaged in a sexual act not permitted in the house of God or anywhere really, with not one but two of the bridesmaids. Flashing me a bemused grin he joked, “Hi sis is it nearly time to start?” My reply of “I think you already did,” somehow didn’t manage to amuse the vicar either.

Pulling up his trousers (a tuxedo to fit in with the rest of the wedding party) Mike flashed me and the quivering Reverend a wink before walking out of the chapel where he could be heard calling the wedding party as the ceremony was due to begin.

Turning round I smiled at the vicar who returned the favour by making the sign of the cross with his fingers and backing quickly away, before running out of the side door. Meanwhile, the bridesmaids who now that I’d had a proper look were the brides younger sisters, over 16 I hasten to add- this time, made a hasty exit out of the other door.

Great, problem Number 1- Can’t find Mike= solved. Problem Number 2- Have no vicar to perform the ceremony. Might need some help with that one!


MIKE

Michael Rouass smothered a grin as he watched the vicar run out of the side door of the chapel with his sister close on his heels. He didn’t know what the vicar was making such a big deal about; didn’t he know that shagging the Bridesmaids was one of the perks of his job!

Mike Rouass found that his job as a wedding planner opened many doors to beautiful women. Okay so some were not as beautiful as others, but beggars can’t be choosers can they?! He always made it his policy to stay away from brides but considered bridesmaids, sisters, cousins and let’s face it a few mothers of the bride all fair game. Okay and one bride...make that two, I forgot about that one time in that one place...hang in maybe three?

He didn’t know what Ellie’s problem was. If it wasn’t for him they would never have landed this account. The Bride was somewhat of a local celebrity having been a regular on a local soap for the last five years. The wedding was being paid for and photographed by OK Magazine for Gods sake!! He had slept with the bride a few years ago and had contacted her when the wedding date had first been announced. A quick mention of the fact that she had been with her fiancée when they had spent the night together and she had promised him the account in exchange for his silence!

Making his way around the lawn he patted the groom on the back and slipped him a Wrigley’s extra to get rid of the Champagne, followed by throw up, followed by coffee breath and asked Eva to help him into the Chapel.

He then couldn’t resist going over to the Father of the Bride shaking his hand and telling him what lovely daughters he had whilst the aforementioned two younger daughters now at their father’s side blushed with embarrassment. He gave the Mother of The Bride his arm and offered to lead her into the chapel all of the time telling her how great she looked and what a perfect wedding it would turn out to be.

He then made his way around the rest of the congregation passing out button holes, smoothing down hair and encouraging them into the chapel. He heard the Grandma of the bride say to her sister “what a lovely young man he is, I wish our Chloe was marrying him,” and knew as usual he had pulled it off. He knew that he was charm personified and managed to use it to his advantage every time! Okay so it sometimes got him into trouble like in the vestry, but it also helped him get himself out of trouble too!

Out of the corner of his eye he saw his sister forcibly lead the vicar back into the chapel by the side door. “You can’t hide from the Lord Reverend” he told him as he passed him on the lawn which earned him a very big evil eye from his sister.

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ELLIE

The bride arrived shortly afterwards in a Pride and Prejudice inspired creation (absolutely vile) that she had stolen from the soaps set and the ceremony went off without a hitch…..well almost. The vicar sweated profusely throughout the ceremony and couldn’t quite meet the eyes of the bridesmaids! Vows were made and rings were exchanged and just when I thought it was all going to end “happily ever after” the back doors of the chapel were opened to let out the new Mr and Mrs Swindell and the first thing everyone saw was my brother- naked- in the lake pretending to be Mr Darcy for one of the cousins. Needless to say we didn’t get our much need bonus, but he did get a front page exclusive with OK magazine for his trouble.



CHLOE

“I can’t believe that our little Chloe is getting married!!! It is so exciting, especially after the last time. You know, that dreadful boy who lived near us in Cheshire and was off shagging everything that moved, including the wedding planner!” Chloe blushed as she overheard her mother talking to someone she didn’t recognise. Not that she recognised anyone at this party; they all seemed to be business acquaintances and pompous relatives of Andrews.

It was her engagement party and was being held at the Dorchester in London. Everyone who was everyone in “the city” was there and having a great time…everyone but Chloe that was.

Moving off into let’s face it the grandest toilet she’d ever seen, she stared at herself in the mirror and willed herself to be happy and have a good time. ‘You are 27 years old, you are a size 8 with a killer bod (she had lost a stone and dropped a dress size since she’d found Mike in bed with the wedding planner), you have a great job and you are about to marry the man of your dreams!’ Yeah scratch that last one because that wasn’t entirely true.

Andrew was kind and loyal, very rich and very in love with her. There was nothing wrong with him per say, there just wasn’t much right with him either. He was a complete sexist chauvinist who thought that a woman’s place was to look after a man and could be extremely controlling. However, none of that mattered because as everyone kept reminding her he was an “excellent catch” and she was sooooo lucky to be marrying him.

He wasn’t bad looking if you like horsey, inbred looking people with big noses (seriously he would easily fit into a line up with the Royal family!) but she didn’t fancy him and never had. Thank God she didn’t have to sleep with him! Yes, she Chloe Lake at the age of 27 was still a virgin. Due to her family bringing her up as a strict catholic she had wanted to wait until marriage hence why she never slept with Mike, and to be honest it gave her a great excuse not to sleep with weak chinned Andrew.

When she moved to London to work as a publisher’s assistant after the Mike fiasco, she fully intended to sleep with as many men as possible to prove that she could do it too. Unfortunately, her reputation preceded her and this was one of the things that Andrew (tracked down and courted by her parents as a suitable man for her to marry) admired in her so much. She had considered this a safety net until recently when the reality of what she had gotten herself into had hit her. She was actually going to have to go through with it and marry Andrew and then he would be the only person that she ever got to have sex with! The very thought had her dry heaving over the porcelain bowl of the toilet.

Wiping her mouth and sitting down on the toilet seat she told herself that she couldn’t back out now. She’d had a plan and she had to stick to it. As soon as she had heard news from home that Mike had set up business as a wedding planner she had planned to get engaged to the most eligible bachelor she could and then return home in a blaze of glory and make him squirm. And now was that time.