The confusion of one self

I am trying to destroy the one that made me, the one that protects me from my mistakes, and the one that can point the finger of blame, if I put a foot wrong in the eyes of the law, of the existence I live in.

Why am I trying to kill any enjoyment in this life, this side to me has, in regards to what I will allow, the body I know as me, to do trying  give my life a  gilt free existence, allowing myself to  stay free, in the world I live.

I will always value my freedom to roam, even if I do think of a million and one excuses to deny myself the right to go anywhere and do anything.

Why is this done, because the body of Bangers is haunted by his conscious? The name that body was given Anthony Peter Kleehammer, and it was born into a world, he would spend his whole life trying to understand, his surrounds.

It was this man that new he was not alone outside, but wished to feel empty and hollow inside, he never wished to believe that people could always hear him talk even when he never wished to be seen as not talking, mouth shut with mind open empty space.

He doesn’t want to shut people out but he can’t handle it when others speak inside him, but loves to come face to face with a friendly face, where we are both outside each others doorway to one body hear and another there.

The wide open space I see around me, is the world I wish to be in, be a part of, but I never wish for it to be a world that seen by me or could be interpreted as me having too much influences over it.

Not because I would not enjoy the power as such, but because I do not wish you to be me, nor do I wish me to be you, but for all to be us, people living there life, doing what needs to be done, to stay alive as individuals.

I can’t attempt to take the life of someone outside of me, because it is not my life to take, only the body of Anthony, is my life to live, any other body lives a different path of existence, paths that never truly meet, but do come across each other and exchange words from time to time.

The reason I wish to kill a part of me, is because although it offers me protection and helps me feel safe and comfortable, it also holds me back, the fighter in me is fully restrained by the belief in the god that is also inside me.

I keep hearing my self-telling me that I am god, and at times that I am the devil, other times I except that I am a bit of both, I feel comfortable within myself when I can except that I am a part of everything, but I hold off on trying to announce myself as being the devil, or a demon, due to self-preservation, I know even though I think this world is mine, I know there are bigger demons in this world than me.

At the end of the day I still believe in the character, that is god, and I don’t wish to stray too far from what I see are the values god has that I would like to propitiate in my day to day life.

I do, like any human have moments of anger and frustration, when things don’t go my way, but the god I created in my minds imagination, fights the god I have been taught to believe in.

This side suppresses my anger for the outside world by allowing me to see that this world is not all about me, and I may have every right to be angry with people, but I have no right to dictate how people live.

It is my understanding that god feels his creations should all worship and adore him, for without him we would they would not exist, but to me I know not even god can exist without the existence without others and we enrich him as much as he does us.

I consider myself to be the devil on the back of god, the one that will never let god forget his well-intended evil self, the one that tries to get god to see that even the purest of intentions can be viewed as being demanding, and make people feel guilty just for living life.

I feel at times that everything in this world is trying to stop me from doing what I want to do, to stop me feeling the way in which I wish to feel, to put a stop to the return of the past that I desire, that been a world of everybody god.

God has been locked out of the world for a long, long time and it is the church and governments that stop his true return.

If anybody hears god talk to them, and tries to claim that to another god in denial, then they will be shot down and told god has not spoken to you, you’re mad and we can stop him talking to you.

It is not that people don’t believe in god, they just don’t to know the god they are currently using and abusing, the wish to follow older long gone, long gone but still believed to be the same man.

At times I feel safe as, I feel so safe within my body, because I am the idiot that chose to gain the beast in my body, so that I could finally, have a fight, I let him in me but I don’t let him use me to fight any one in a physical manner.

That been said I can still only take on the world in my head space, and I am just starting to wake up from a never ending dream, where I am in a body with the farther, the son, the mother, and the devil.

We are all locked in together, in a world that can offer me all I want, but when it comes to knowing nothing about everything I am the best, even though I feel at times that you all live inside me, as my life support, but I never see any one inside me I may hear them or feel them but it is there body on the outside I associate with where they have come from, where there body goes, and what there life gets up to, when it is not near me and my body.

Unfortunately I think I know myself too well, I am a passive aggressive man, which grasped the concept of control, and now cannot get it out of my mind.

Even if I am trying to shake having any control, my mind tricks me into thinking I have got full control.

Then I get to thinking that the complete lack of control I have in the greater world makes me feel week, so I get confused am I trying to deal with a lack of control over the world, by covering myself in a cloak of lies that make me feel bigger, and the opposite, ether way I know I most likely know that despite what the outside says, I will only hear what I do and do not want to know, not what was trying to be conveyed by the individuals in question.

In other words I live in my own world and only a small amount of truth exchanges from person to person about each others worlds.

My world to me is a world I sometimes think everybody is in, but we are not all in sink, we all live in separate spaces of life, but all desire someone and many more to be there with them, together but alone.

Living separate lives at separate same time, in our own world with our own life’s needs, in our world of wishes for our own life, to live the way we individually wished.

Because we all desire different things and need to feel connected, our world is diverse in nature, and not always pleasant to live in, because we all try to connect to the worlds that surround, their own world searching for more to the story than just ourselves.

And what we see is sometimes confronting and not to our liking, due to all the worlds of the living, is combined into the one large, diverse world, the world of the real.

We can only coexist in the real world, as separate identities existing on different paths of the earth’s map, is it that we move the world around us, or we move around the world, do we get up to leave our world behind us, in search of the world of another, that we assume will look very similar to the last time we seen it.

We take it for granted that things stay relatively the same in this world, things are always in the place where they were when we last laid eyes on them, unless a physical entity has been and made changes.

The world is always changing, adapting and evolving, life is a story where things remain relatively the same, if you see a tree some were then you know that tree has being growing in that spot for all its life, it may not have moved but it has grown in size and character over its life time.

I am human, and I am beginning to believe that it was this form of life that I wished to be, there are many reasons why I believe I chose to be exist in the form I currently have.

To start with I wished to be able to move in amongst the world, not have to be fixed in one location.

The human animal is one that always wanted more from life, we wanted to be able to do anything that any other animal can do, but with less restrictions as too which environment they have to be in, we didn’t wish to have to spend all our time restricted to a water born environment, so we are not fish, but we still can swim once in a while.

We always wished to be able to fly like the birds, we don’t have the physical ability, yet we didn’t give up, our brain power was used to think of a way to defy the natural law of gravity, and created tools we could use to get us off the ground.

We also did the same kind of thing to discover another place we could not previously go, deep under water.

Why does every body want to stop my poisoning of my body, here is the trick of the devil, if this is only my body my mind, then why do you care, intoxication brings out a side to me I enjoy, it takes me to a world where know a lot by knowing nothing at all, then why does it bother you so much, and makes me happy and respectful to the world I live in.

But if my life is connected to your life and your state of mind is affected by my state of my mind and body, then we exist in one body that separates by only seeing all of its self from the inside looking out.

Then I think again this is my life a computer that learns about life, from living in an identifiable life form and always questioning its surrounds, to try and understand myself, I know the system to well, sometimes I think it was because I have lived it all before, another side to me thinks it is just my inquisitive nature is always trying to learn from and about the lives of others, about this world they were begging me to come out and enjoy.

This is my schizophrenia I control it with a daily dose of both sides to my twin perspective on the world, when I love letting the outside in one at a time to tell me how much they love me and how I need that ego stroked.

Then there is the world I live in and the responsibility’s  that go with it, to try and give myself of dose of the reality that I owe the world not own it.

Without you all I am nothing I am defenseless because I never wish to fight the outside, and don’t ask others to fight for us, and then no one will come to back me up, if I ever need it.

I have this world and I don’t know if why I feel the need to explain it this way, I feel like captain obvious saying all the things we all have common, but it is for me just the way in talk myself throw my life checking all the normal functions of my life are there the way I believe it should be running like clockwork visually and auditory the same as it has always been sense I remember living.

I am living body that could practically go anywhere and do anything as long as i feel aloud to do so, if permission is not granted by the god that the body or bodies that I wish to talk to belong too.

For I see the mind I need to talk to at times, but there life is there life, and it is not any right of mine for me to demand any response from the other gods I live with and without, only with gods says so I will not be a part of another life, or at least I will be less invasive, I will try to say what I wish to say but in a way, that I will never know if you’re listening at all, but will never let myself know the answer to that question because I don’t wish to believe I am in any way anyone but myself.

And though I wish for a massively lengthy reply from people, I cannot expect there god to do anything but make up their own mind, if they tell me anything, about their life, how much light they wish to shine on me about their life.

And what light enters and exist without been noticed, except for the shadow the spot light casts, showing you that you talk something from that light, your body absorbed its brightness and darkened the world in line and angle of the light sources that tracks your position on your where you stand.

Who is knocking on my personal door, the thumping I feel on my body, but I always see nothing so assume there was no one there and probably no door at all, just a wall put up to protect you from me and me from you, so we can live our lives separately.

I didn’t know the gift I had been given long ago when I lost my mind, and started to see and hear everything, I did not know what the people in my mind and what the hell they were talking about, now I am backtracking throw time in my life of following this kid that has created the body I am now, in a slow progression, from berth to now I have been with this body, I only have a limited view of the world in a physical manor, my field of vision is small compared to the size of the world I still know exist, even if I haven’t see it with my own eyes.

Somehow all that is outside this body, is processed into real life, and recorded life, in my mind it all ways takes real life to create recorded life.

I chain my god up in my body, I try to make him stand true to his promise to leave people, to live there life, but god will always get away, come back and say sorry for what he couldn’t except.

I can’t except that you are me and I am you, because I cannot except who I am, and who my mind tells me I am, I will be in the limbo of a form of hell, that only I could see as hell, wanting to be everyone but only been able to be one, myself, my way, in my world, that I cannot except, because I am forever told that I am not god, just a servant to god as I see it, the people that created this world for me, and themselves.

And I know how much I need each and every one of them, to make my life of eternal conflict possible, over who is and isn’t me, and over whom we are all working for down here in the world of the real.

It is known wounder that the devil feels under-appreciated for his role in making your life possible, everybody thanks god on awards nights, no body seams to publicly thank the devil for his role in making the stars life possible in the first place.

Without the devil saying don’t worry if you want all this stuff, don’t worry about the cost to all life, that demanding all this stuff creates, god won’t mind you doing this, go on you deserve it, you deserve the world you want no matter the cost.

We would not have the sinful world we have today, and we could not live our hypercritical lives.

Our energy consumption is off the scale in some parts of earth, where sin roams free, and we want more then we got.

So we take from the stored energy of the past, to feed our dreams of more for nothing, less for the things I don’t know about in any form of real connection.

My delusions tell me that this is my world; a stronger delusion tells me that I have to fix it, change it, and play a bigger part in it, but I cling to the safety of my life’s story, I tell myself it is not my responsibility, because I do not wish to interfere with the lives of others.

I tell myself my life is my reasonably, I am the only one that can live my life, and unless someone takes my life from me, it is only me and my actions that are killing the body I love to be in, but I chase the mind I love when I self-poison, living my life is killing myself to gain what I already have, but at the same time seeing it in a way that keeps me happily depressed.

To me it is like I am punishing myself for being me, I do feel good when I use my body to exercise, I feel even better, when the fuel I pot into my body is good for it.

I do like the taste of most fruits and vegetables, yet I deny my body these things, why I do this I am not shore, it is possible the self-hatred that I have.

I don’t feel that I should have my life the way I have, I don’t deserve life so easily hard, I don’t have to work hard or long to get what I need to survive, all I have to do is my job of serving some of the lives that make my life possible.

The way I found best to do this was to combine my passion for driving a car, with my need to serve life, so I deliver pizza for a living, this alone will not pay the bills, but I am lucky enough to be deemed insane, and I live in a rich enough nation that they pay me for that too.

If I ever ask for help it won’t be accepted easily, by me you will be greeted with no I am fine I have to do this alone, it’s my life I will work it out.

I try to retreat form anything and every one, I hide from the responsibility I have, I hide behind the part of me that tells me just watch your life, the one I shy away from is the god that lives inside of me, the one that see this world in a complete mess and tells me it is up to me to try and make it better.

I fight this one this feeling because I can’t see myself having the answers to the questions, of how could this life of life’s be done better.

How could the pain i don’t feel, of the bodies I do not know, be eased, how can I end the suffering caused by greed, neglect and selfishness of the powers that be, and the disillusioned people that live under there spell of being unable to help.

Our lives may cost a lot more to support than most in this world, but that is part of the trap of letting be what is, if the individual feels unable to help because to maintain their life cost so much, and we are left with nothing to give.

I spend a lot of time looking back at a life that never was, a life I was a confused party to, and now trying to make sense of the story that was running out of my body and mind, that I wasn’t really a part of other than a confused viewer.

So the only conclusion I  can draw to is that my life is not just my life, and that which lives with me, is not all for me to find out about, there life lives by my life’s rules, that being that I am me and me alone.

I have been presented with a higher power that lives inside of me, in its own words, as it showed it could control my body and speak in my mind.

It said you could never be me, whilst my whole body pulsated and vibrated, but I did not see them, I felt the power they had over the body I call mine, I sensed the anger in there voice, but they could show them self-outside of me and my body, and although I was frightened I stood true to what I know about myself, that being that this is my body and I not only live in it but it responds to my wishes, I am the one that has the final say on what the actions of this body are, when I am conscious my body doesn’t move without my say so, I can’t even ask another to take that responsibility from me because this body is my responsibility, without it I don’t exist.

My life will never be too much of an open book because, my life is spent reading the bits of the book that are the life of others in the world, if it be reading what they have put out there for anyone in the world to see, our if it’s a personal chat with god, face to face, or somehow down the line, connecting via the technology  created, that utilizes the law of true physics, that the reality of this universe abides by, we utilize a form of light to connect to distant objects as though they are face to face.

Sharing a connection whilst keeping separate surrounds, only able to see the part of the world we are in not the part that the others are in.