"MY LIFE ON BLAST"

                                                                  "MY LIFE ON BLAST"

"LIFE"
Life is a journey...what lies ahead on the road of life?  Beautiful dreams for the future?  Hope for a fulfilling life?  Whatever we think our journey is about, the trip is something else!  There will be unexpected bends & bumps in the road & shocking surprises we dont see coming!  So how do we keep moving forward?  We let go of whatever it is that slow us down!  I have come to realize that there is always something so new & so good out there whether I recognize it at the time or not. & I am rewarded with it when I let go of the fears & the past.  Change happens!  Anticipate, monitor, & adapt to change!  When changes occur it makes life more complicated & challenging!  Change could lead to something better!  Movement in a new direction is to let go & trust what is ahead, even though you dont know exactly what that is. That is life. Life moves on. Moving forward can mean reaching out, reaching back, or reaching balance. & while new journeys can start with a single step...thy can end just as quickly with a mistep.  It is so senseless to look back...when there is so much to look forward to!  Life is full of shocks & surprises that jolt our system & make our hearts skip a beat & these moments occur when we least expect them!  Life is not about the # of breaths you take it is about the # of moments that take your breath away!  Life has its moments...Moments that change everything...Make them unforgettable! One moment can change a day & one day can change a life!

"THE SEARCH"
I do not know what I got until it is gone...
I do not know what I have been missing until it arrives...

I do not know what it is I search for but I do know I have yet to find it
Because it is invisile to the eye my heart searches for it blind.   
& if by chance i find it - will I know my search has been achieved? 
Can I come to conclusions before the question is conceived?
Just like no one else knows what lies ahead or how much more?
Will I ever find the answer to what it is I search for?

Sometimes there is so much chaos that surrounds me it is difficult to see
that the right answers are in front of me.
With my eyes closed I can see a chance to discover ecstasy!
But clouds of doubt have made me blind.
So I am afraid of the emotions that I may find.
I have been hurt so many ways & times before.
But  that isnt an excuse for me to ignore
the seed that has been planted in hopes it would sow.
This infant emotion & let it grow.
A neglected seed will wither & die
But with honesty, respect & love
It can soar beyond the sky!

"LOVE"
It is imposible to grasp just how powerful love is
It can sustain us through trying times
or motivate us for extraordinary sacrifices
We all search for love, that special someone
who will provide us with what is missing in our lives
Someone can offer companionship, assistance & security
& sometimes we can find that someone
who can provide us with all that & more!
If we cant find them ...
we can only hope that they can find us!

To whom it may be...the next one for me...who holds that lock to my key?!
All I want is that someone who will & wants to get lost with me...!
So is there another someone out there who will love me?
I have come to accept that the love I once had will never be like it was between him & me
There has been others since he has passed,
but because I hadnt or couldnt let go it didnt last
Now I am ready to roll the dice...
to love & be loved!
Is there that someone
Who will go beyond & above?

"TIME"
Time changes everything!
With enough time eventually we all see what was right in front of us
& realize no matter how long it took, it was worth the wait!
For some though  that time doesnt come.
Instead of healing old wounds
the wait just opens new ones - time after time
We get so distracted...
We forget where we set out to go
When everything is everywhere
& you dont know what to do.
Dont ever let this universe unbalance you.
It took some time to realize,
it just occured to me that
what we have, what we get, what we go through
is what is meant to be!

"MEMORIES"
(HARD TO FORGET...HARD TO REMEMBER)
Memories & dreams tell us more about ourselves than we realize.
They remind us of our journey
The loved ones who travel with us, those we lose along the way, & those waiting ahead
The world is filled with unique relationships
& before we know it bonds are formed
regardless if others can understand it!

"CHANCES"
I tried love, hope,& taking chances
& all I got were broken dreams & failed romances
Tension, stress, pain - best believe it
Enough confusion to make serenity sick
A grown lady trapped inside a young girls skin
with discombobulation very deep within
I had a little, had alot,
& then I los during my fall
Stars in the skies match up to the skeletons in my closet
The right way is the 'left' way
& the 'left' way is wrong
so I am 'left' with the right way
& the right way is long
For once in my life
I want to feel like I belong
So I can appreciate today & everyday
until I am gone...

"ESCAPE"
My life is twisted
I want to run
but if I run
am I only running from myself?
would it be easier if I were someone else?
I am like a child playing with matches
that has not been burned
Relearning all the lessons
I have already learned
On a highway to a destination
I have earned
So many exits
but I havent bothered to turn
I admit I have alot to learn

"LOST"
Staring at my food but I cant eat it
Laying in my bed but I am not sleeping
Crying in my room & I keep it all secret
Because people say they care
but they do not mean it
I am cut open even though I am not bleeding
My heart  is broken, I am surprised its still beating
I dont like change...everything is so rearranged
Life is a disaster
& time keeps going by faster
& after time everything stops to matter
Thoughts race through my mind on a regular basis
Going crazy...
because I am always going through something on a regular basis
& I feel like I have lost my mind
Lost cause...too lost to find...! 

All that I am living for
All that i cant ignore
It is difficult to understand me
After all I've been through & seen
Piecing every thought together
If I only knew how to pull myself together
I want more...
I lock the last open door
Like a reason why?
Like a play of  my obsessions
Make me understand the lesson
So I will find myself
So I wont be lost again...
I could run forever...
But how far would I come?
The demons I fight only exist
Because they are a reflection
Of my tortured soul
I dont have a place to call home...
I dont know where or which way to go...
I've been hurt so many times & so many ways
You dont even know...

I feel that something is missing...
I am running from myself
& all the things I dont like
Drownung in the drama
Lost in the lies
trapped by the currents of life
caught in the riptides
I am victimized
Sometimes I think it will be ok...
but that doesnt seem to last
because reality is something I can't seem to grasp
I only dig deeper by running away
I project my pain
trying to make sense...
of all these crazy things

*Life is a Challenge
&
I wonder if I will ever find the balance?*

"CHAOS"
Some days I just want to give up & quit
& just be "normal" for a bit
I find myself just filling the time
with anything to distract the thoughts
that race through my mind...

I'm out of touch with this rampant chaos
MY REALITY...
I struggle on & on to feed this hunger
deep inside of me

Catch me as I fall...
I fall into myself
the truth drives me into madness
I so much want the pain to go away
so i turn away & runaway & try to hide...
I run in circles...
but dont get anywhere
I've been running way too long...
Lost for so long...
too lost to be saved...

I feel like I am walking a tightrope without a circus net
I am a nervous wreck
I deserve respect
I feel like I am at Rock Bottom
I have had it up to hear
I am mad enough to scream
But I am sad enough to tear
My life is full of empty promises & broken dreams
I feel discouraged, hungry & malnourished
Failure to understand life but not on purpose
It has been a problem for the longest
Maybe one day I can make some progress
Food for thought...see how it takes to digest
I see it, feel it, live it - it is so inhumane
For me to feel so much pain

"JADED"
I've come to believe my soul is on the other side
all the pieces falling, shatter...
too sharp to put back together
too useless to matter
convince me that I'll be *JADED* forever!
will any of this ever make sense?
I've become numb without a soul
my spirit somewhere cold
until i find it & bring it back home
wake me up inside
call my name from the nothing I've become
bring me to life
I've been lving a lie...

Trust is a fragile thing
Once earned, it affords us tremendous freedom
Once lost, it can be impossible to recover
The truth is we never really know who we can trust
those who are closest to us, can betray us
& total strangers can come to our rescue

Sometimes we become vitims injured by the actions & reactions of others
but however the damage is inflicted the time comes
when we must pick ourselves up & continue on our journey
& if we cant we can only hope for rescue

Now & then we all need help.
So we ask for small favors but it is best to be cautious of those eager
to come to our rescue...
because even the smallest of favors carries a price!
Everyone has an agenda...
no matter what they tell us
& in those rare instances where there is no ulterior motive
we are so surprised
that we fail to recognize the truth

I feel like I'm walking a tightrope
without a circus net
I'm a nervous wreck
I deserve respect
I feel like I'm at rock bottom
I've had it up to here
I'm mad enough to scream
Sad enough to tear
My life is full of empty promises & broken dreams
I feel discouraged, hungry & malnourished
failure to understand life
but not on purpose
it has been a problem for the longest
maybe one day i can make some progress
food for thought
see how long it takes to digest
I see it, feel it, live it - it is so inhumane
for me to feel so much pain...

Everything in life is so complex!
Everday is like a test!
There is no telling what could happen next...
Life on the edge...
fuels the sickness in my head
is there a cure for my condition?
my decisions have put me in some wrong positions
full of obstacles
that seem almost impossible...



"BROKEN"
Sometimes the road we take leave us stranded & the choices we make leave us *Broken*.

The choices I make result in the risks I take
& the secrets I keep result in pain that is deep

"HIGHEST HIGHS & LOWEST LOWS"
I took the fall & took the break
things dont always go as planned
I want to not want it all  - I want to give what I take
It is not how you leap - it is how you land
It is time to liberate my liberty
No longer questioning my ability
I want to find stability
It is never too far behind - mind over matter
I refuse to lose from now on
I have been walking tightropes for too long
There is only so much I can take
Only so much I can swallow & tolerate
Until the point I break, snap, & thats all it takes
I am paying bigtime for my mistakes
But I know,that I will always continue to grow
in life as oposed to a shadow
*I know I will be 1 tough act to follow*
There will never be another me
& that is a guarantee!

"ADDICITED"

"LITTLE GIRL LOST"

"SCENIC ROUTE"
Trying so much to avoid change
Trying so much to delay...
the inevitable
Visiting memory lane
Constant reminders drive me so insane
So much going through my brain...
Can anyone relate?
Is anyone going through the same?

Sometimes something needs to happen
to put things into perspective
& take a chance to change my ways
I get so many chances
but always seem to fail
I seem to only talk to God
when my life derails
I cant blame the way I was influenced or grew up
I cant shift blame away from myself
I need help...I know that
Admitting is the 1st step
Looking backs makes me so upset
I wish I could say I look back with no regrets
But that is not the case
For example, some decisions I chose to make
Not taking into consideration what was at stake
Not learning from my mistakes
I am 31 now it is time to grow up
I should of listened to all the people I told to shut up
I was too young & stubborn
Little Kelly knew it all
& then I lost it during my fall


"MY OWN PRISON - UNKNOWN ORIGIN"
I know I act like I am happy
But I am faking it
Yeah, I know I am faking it
Bad habit - I need to break it
So fed up with the way people treat me
So depressed becuase I try so hard to express
myself but no one understands me
Who are you to degrade me?
Look at you...
My life isnt strait, but yours is crooked too
Cant move stuck in the past
Because of the past nothing seems to last

"FLIP THE SCRIPT"
I am so depressed.
I cant seem to get out of this slump
or get out of this dump
or over this hump
I took my bruises & took my bumps
I fell down & got right back up
But I need that spark to get psyched up
I dont know why or when
I ended up in this position I am in
I am starting to feel distant again
So I decided to pick up this pen
& make an attempt to vent
Some of it is so hard to swallow
but i just cant sit back & wallow in my own sorrow
I know 1 fact...I will be 1 tough act to follow!
I didnt ask for life to deal me with these
'7-2' offsuit hands im dealt
I have to take these cards myself & flip them!
not expecting any help

"SHOWTIME"
My life is like a movie
But I am not putting on any show!
More drama than a soap opera
Always new episodes & storylines
Twisted like tornados

My life is like a game...
that I cant stop playing
with ups & downs it is constantly changing
I am a little careless
with the risks that I take
So caught up in it
Forced to play but never win it
I have to keep on going
When one door closes another one opens!

I want a new beginning
So this is the ending
of no more lying & no more pretending

Everything is so mindblowing
Everyone around me knowing - it is what it is
I have always had issues since I was a kid
I dont know why it is like this
I try to fight it
& live the right way & adjust to change
Through this pen onto paper, let out my pain
Right now things ar so jacked...
Like traffic jam packed
Constantly going through change...
Like traffic consistently switching lanes
So much I want to set aside
Affecting me so much you could tell by just looking into my eyes
I am trying so hard to get by...
I am trying so hard to hold on
I am trying so hard to move along...
I am trying so hard to be strong...

"THE END..."
It is the end where I begin...
Sometimes tears say all there is to say
Sometimes scars won't ever fade away
It is the end where I begin...
Sometimes I do not learn from my mistakes
Sometimes I have no choice but to go away
It is the end where I begin...
Sometimes it is the pain that needs to go away
Sometimes the cure for the heart is to move along
Sometimes what does not break a heart only makes it strong
It is the end where I begin...

"DEDICATED TO MOM"
I know I havent been an easy child
A daughter that has been chaotic & wild
But love against all odds is stronger still
I need your fierce, proud love & always will
I am sorry for the times I have caused you pain
Just know that always & forever
My love for you will remain!

It was my decision to ge clean
I did it for me
Admittedly, I probably did it for you
Subliminally...
So I can come back a brand new me
Without a doubt undoubtedly...
You helped me see it through
Believe me no more drama from now on
I promise to focus on my responsibilities
As a lady & as your daughter
It is time to put my life together now!