The White Ceiling

December 24, 1999


He opens his eyes.

Blinks. White ceiling. White walls. This is all that he can see. This is all that he knows. Everything else is gone. His mind is wiped clean like a slate, devoid of all memory. He doesn't know who he is. Where he is. How he got there. The white ceiling and the white walls are all that there is. The entire world. Something is not right with this. Something is missing. Information.

A soft click.

He twists his head to the side, searching for the source of sound. White walls, white floor, white room. All white, save for the figure standing in the center of it all. Something different. A coloured thing. He squints his eyes to make out the shape of it. Tall, and slim. Dark eyes sunk deep into the flesh of the face. A person. A man.

A talking noise comes from the mouth of the man. Words. He tries to make them out, but it is hard. Everything is fuzzy, and difficult to remember. He hears the sound of a second voice, and realizes that it comes from himself. ''What?'' he says. ''I'm sorry... what did you say? I didn't catch that. I'm quite sorry...''

The man's voice is soft, and quiet. ''I said hello, Jade. How are you feeling?''

He looks up at the man. The man has sad eyes. Puzzled, he asks ''Is that my name? Jade? I can't seem to remember...''

It is then, at last, that the brain in his head entirely understands the fact that he has forgotten not only his name, but the entire history of himself as a person. Startled, spooked, and in distress, Jade feels that if he does not find out who and where he is within a relatively short period of time, he will go absolutely mad. He looks back up at the ceiling, and realizes that he is lying down on top of something. A bed. A white bed. He sits up.

The man is drumming his fingers on his bony knee. Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap. ''Yes,'' he says. ''That’s your name. Jade. But don't worry that you can't remember anything. You're safe here. You don't have to worry.'' Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap. Like the heartbeat of a father being forced to watch the slaughter of his first born son.

He - Jade - looks about the white room, but nothing seems familiar to him. ''What’s going on?" he says. ''Why can't I remember anything? What’s happened to me? Where are we? And who are you?''

The man has sad eyes. He pulls a hand through his hair, and sits down beside Jade on the white bed. ''Well, you see,'' he says. ''you have a strange case of amnesia. The doctors said that they've never seen anything like it. So you forget things. Everything. That's why you forget me. They try to help you, but nothing has worked. This is a hospital.'' The man sighs for a second time. ''You forget everything.'' he says, and in his youth he looks old, like a soldier who has seen too much.

Jade thinks about all of this for a moment. He wonders what he looks like, and what his age is. Did he use to have a dog? He is pretty sure that he might have liked dogs. ''When did this happen?'' he finally asks.

''When you got the amnesia, do you mean?''

''Yes.''

''Nine years ago, tomorrow.'' says the man, with a pain in his voice.

''Oh.'' says Jade. His palms begin to sweat. ''Was I in a coma?'' he asks.

''No.'' the man says.

''Then how - '' Jade starts to say, but the man cuts him off.

''Well, you see,'' says the man, tugging his hand through his short, ratted hair, his fingers on his knee going tap, tap, tap, tap, tap. He looks everywhere else in the room, except for at Jade. ''Here's how it works. Every time you fall asleep, you forget what has happened to you during the day. Every time you wake up, you're a blank again.''

Jade hushes. ''You mean that tomorrow I won't remember any of this?''

''No.''

Jade turns horribly sad. ''None of this?'' he asks. ''Not even you?''

''You've never remembered me. Not once.'' Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.

''Were we friends?''

''We were lovers. We were very close.''

''Oh.'' he says, and cradles the weight of his heavy head in his hands. How horribly strange. This man is his lover, and yet he knows next to nothing about him. They must have kissed and made love in the past, but he cannot remember any of it. He feels sorry for the man. How tragic all of this must be for him. To have been, by his own lover, forgotten. Wiped away clean, like a dead fly on the window glass. Like a speck of useless dirt. ''I'm sorry... that I forget you.'' But he knows that it is not enough.

''You always say that.'' says the man. He has very sad eyes. ''Don't be stupid. It's not your fault.''

''Sorry.''

''Don't apologize.'' The man looks down at the watch on his wrist. ''I have to leave,'' he says. ''I usually stay longer, but I have things to do at home. But I wanted to see you for at least a little while. It's Christmas Eve. It's special.''

''Will you come and visit me tomorrow?'' Jade asks, hopeful.

''If I can.''

''Maybe I'll remember you.''

''I doubt it.'' The man pulls something out from his pocket. A maple leaf. ''Here. I found you a new one, left over from the fall. You always loved them. You used to say that they looked beautiful when they changed their colours.'' For a moment, he is quiet as he hands the leaf over to Jade and lets it rest in the palm of his hand. He thinks about how he and Jade used to make out in the leaves, and Jade would laugh and throw them in his face. He misses the weight of Jade's body on top of his, and he misses the person who Jade used to be. Jade had been human, so he laughed. He had been human, so he loved. He felt things that animals do not. That computers can not. But now, he is much like an animal. An organism that is precise, and very logical. A computer that does not dance and cannot love.

For a moment, Dave is quiet. Then he speaks. ''I like things to stay the way they are, though. I'll see you later, Jade. Merry Christmas.'' Silently, he pulls himself close to Jade, and hugs him hard. Then lets go. His eyes are wet. He turns to leave. Pulls his body through the white door, and shuts it behind him. Then, he is gone.

Later that night, Jade lies awake on his bed with the oak leaf in his hand, staring up at the white ceiling. He is confused, and he is lonely. He wishes that the man who is his lover could be there with him. He does not want to forget the man. Before he falls asleep, he decides that he will try to remember him.



*************




December 25, 1999


He opens his eyes.

Blinks. White ceiling. White walls. This is all that he can see. This is all that he knows. Everything else is gone. His mind is wiped clean like a slate, devoid of all memory. He doesn't know who is. Where he is. How he got there. The white ceiling and the white walls are all that there is. The entire world. Something is not right with this. Something is missing. Information.

A soft click.

He twists his head to the side, searching for the source of sound. White walls. White floor. White room. All white, save for the figure standing in the center of it all. Something different. A shadowed thing. He squints his eyes to make out the shape of it. Tall, and thin. Tired gray eyes pushed deep into the wrinkled flesh of the face. A person. A man.

The man is wearing white pants and a white jacket. A talking noise comes out of the man’s mouth. Words. He tries to make them out, but it is hard. Everything is fuzzy, and difficult to remember. He hears the sound of a second voice, and realizes that it comes from himself. ''What?'' he says. ''I'm sorry... what did you say? I didn't catch that. I'm quite sorry...''

''I said, Mr. Jade Puget? Mr. Puget? Can you hear me?''

He doesn’t know what to say. He isn’t sure if the man is referring himself as 'Jade Puget' or not. He can’t remember his name.

''... I can hear you.'' he says at last.

''Good.'' says the man. ''I am here to inform you that there’s been an incident. An accident, actually. That man who often stops by to visit you. Your partner. David. Do you remember him?''

He shakes his head. ''No. I don't remember anything. What's going on?''

The man ignores his question, and only says what he has to. ''I'm here to inform you that your partner, David, has been involved in a car accident. I'm afraid that he was killed, early this morning. Legally, it is my duty to inform you. And I would also like to add that I'm sorry for you loss. Do you need anything?''

''No,'' he - Jade? - says, frantic, desperate, his palms beginning to sweat. ''But I don't understand. I can't seem to remember anything. Where am I? I don't understand what’s going on.''

''Sir, I am quite sorry, but I am not permitted to inform you of those things. All I can say is that the hospital will provide you with anything you may need. Don’t worry about a thing. You’re safe here.'' He turns to go, and Jade calms down because he has been told that he is safe. Like the child that is taught by it's mother to follow the word of God, Jade accepts, without question, what he has been told as the truth.

''Breakfast will be served in an hour,'' says the man as he exits through the white door.

After he is gone, Jade sits up on the white bed in the white room. Quietly, he wonders about his partner named Dave who was killed in the automobile accident. He wonders what he was like, and he wonders what his own life was like before he ended up in the hospital. Then he stops. He decides that it is not important. He is here now, he is safe, and people are looking after him. That is all that he needs to know.

Softly, he rises to his feet, and stretches his body. It is then that he notices that there is something in his hand that he had held onto through his sleep. He brings the thing up to his face, and takes a look. It is a maple leaf. He wonders how it got inside of the hospital. It is nice looking, but it is dried out. It is dead. He decides that it will do him no good if he keeps it, so he crosses the room, and finds a waste paper basket sitting in the corner. He throws the leaf away.

Content, he returns to his bed and lies down on his side. He wonders what will be served for breakfast. He hopes that there will be coffee. Then he rolls onto his back, and he stares up at the ceiling.

The white ceiling.