The Exculsion

I do not take kindly to being treated like an idiotic headstrong child. If I say something is happening to me; it is happening to me, it may be exaggerated, it may be a lie, but in the world of my head that means that it is happening to me. If I say something will happen to me, not that it might happen, or that it could possibly happen, I say it as a certainty. I state it as a fact.

I wonder if it’s a natural born talent, or if I’ve built up the skill over time, this ability to push people away. It seems like I do it every day without even realising. Sure, everyone does it. We all forget to keep in touch. Send a text when we really should call. We take shortcuts. Find the easiest method possible. It’s human nature. Me on the other hand, well I’m the extension of that rule. I ignore people. I get angry at them simply for wanting to be around me. I think that I will hurt them, not realising that in the process of attempting to protect them, that is exactly what I am already doing.

I have no idea why I write like this, compulsively. Impulsively. Is it the only way I can express myself? Damn...that’s pretty pathetic. Ha, I guess at least I’m past the denial stage. I wonder what the steps are in these twelve step programmes to self-help, maybe I should Google it.

Well presumably I shouldn’t just use this as a bitching session, so I’ll tell you a story. One I probably should have gotten around to a little before I started moaning about how my life is so incredibly shitty just like the lives of every fucking teenager on the planet (or so we have a tendency to think).

It’s the story of how my (ex-) best friend came to hate me.

Once upon a time, in a land not so far away...just playing I’m not quite that abnormal.

So this is just one side of the story, maybe someday she’ll write about her side, now that would be interesting, wonder how biased my side would seem then. I doubt it will happen though; she’s not much for reading, never mind writing.

Ok, getting to the point, it started one December I guess (had to think about that), and my friend started just like giving me the cold shoulder, you know, this whole subtly cutting me out of the circle thing, interrupting me as I give an opinion, cutting me off mid-sentence as I try to answer a question she asked me. I ignored it to a point, assuming that she had other things going on, personal things, knowing that she didn’t like it if I pried. Eventually, it got to the point where I asked her, when I used to text her she would say she was busy, or had something to talk to her boyfriend about and she would text me later. She never did.

I asked her, did I do something? Had I offended her in some way? I wanted to make things right again. I know how one-sided this must sound but all I wanted was or things to be normal again, for us to be back to being inseparable; joined at the hip. But apparently it wasn’t meant to be. She would brush me off telling me I was exaggerating, that she just had a lot of stuff to deal with at the moment and she was taking it out on other people. I offered to help. It was never accepted.

Eventually it got to the point where the rift was becoming obvious to people on the outside; classmates, parents, etc. I continued to try to fix things; however, I seemed to only agitate her.

Come the end of the school year, during the middle of the beginning of the summer holidays, the source of her anger became apparent. She had noticed the lies. “You two-faced lying whore”. “You fucked up bitch”. I quote. Only several others had begun to make the connection, she coerced them. Rumours were spread about lies which I had started about close friends. Had these rumours have been true, I would’ve sat quietly and taken my penance, but they were not. So I did not.

After over a month of exclusion, I came to win back the trust of a few close friends. Perhaps ‘the trust’ is too strong a phrase; ‘the civility’ would be far more apt. But here I am, struggling to keep my head above water. Fighting to keep several acquaintances.

That’s the baseline story. The one that I tell. There is more.

Personally I think that in the beginning, my friend was simply looking for someone to hate, to aim their rage at; I was the closest one. However, she never really had a reason to hate me, apart from the suspected lies which she could never prove wrong as she had no hard evidence of precisely what I had said and how it was intended to be interpreted. Maybe that played on her conscious. Maybe she was stalling for time until were no longer in school to avoid direct confrontation. Who knows? In March I gave her that reason, that undeniable, irrefutable cause to hate me. But she still couldn’t tell anyone. It enraged her.

In March, I fucked her.

Yup, you heard me, I fucked her. S-E-X.

She was staying over at my house for the First time in a while, were sitting at my computer looking up shit on YouTube and UrbanDictionary drinking cans of Heineken as she bitched about being horny. Typical girls’ night in. But then, and this is 100% true, she kissed me, she knew I was bi-curious at the very least, though I hadn’t officially come out about being bi, but I assumed she was simply drunk, or it was a mistake. I ignored it.

In my book it had never happened.

Five minutes later, she kissed me again.

Still attempting to ignore it.

Two minutes later, she kissed me again.

Not doing so well at the whole ignoring it thing, I kissed her back.

Well as you can guess, one thing led to another, next thing we were in my bedroom doing various unmentionable things.

She had (and still has) a boyfriend. You can imagine how awkward that was the next morning. BAM, instant ignoral. The best part was, for that couple of months, she was the bitch, and no one understood why she was so against me all of a sudden. It still makes me giggle, was I that bad in bed? I mean damn girl...you did orgasm. Ha ha ha.

Sorry, have to get my little digs where I can.

But anyway, getting back to the point, several months later was when she decided to go public about my whole lying thing. So, whoosh, instant social spiral into oblivion.

I’m still standing though.

Everything’s managing alright.

So that’s my story.