Love, Heartbreak & Swimming?

As I walked up to the block, I stood looking at the cold water, with my arms stretched high in the air, boy is that water going to be cold… I ignored that thought in the back of my head that told me that I didn’t want to swim this race. The official blew the whistle, and I stepped up on the block, taking a track start stance, I gripped the block and waited for the beep to sound. As the official said take your mark, the beep came, and I dove into the water. Today, my mind wasn’t focused on my swimming; it was focused on the boy who wasn’t sitting in the stands like he said he was would be. As the scream swelled up in my throat I flipped at the first wall. I thought about how much I hate the fact that he said he could make it, and he didn’t. Finally I came to the second wall, and thought to myself I hate swimming the 200. I could never figure out why it was always me, in the center lane swimming this stupid event. He knew how much I hated it…yet he still made me swim it. I slacked off in every warm up swim and practice I could, but he still made me swim it. Half the time I couldn’t keep the count straight in my head. I came to the final turn, irritated about a lot of stuff, including always swimming this event and kicked it up a notch. Maybe I should pretend like I actually care about this race, I thought. I came pushing into the pad at full strength, gasping for air. I looked up at the board, no state cut today, Charlie, I turned and looked up in the stands, still no Nate. My head swam as I thoughtlessly watched the 200 individual medley (IM) and the 50 freestyle. As we sat down to watch the diving event, I pulled my cell phone out of the end pocked in my bag, and read the text message that I’d missed.  It said ‘Sorry I can’t make it. Other things came up.’ As I read the time at the bottom, it said ‘sent: 6:08pm’ I thought about when I swam my event, and it was around the same time. Tears swelled up in my eyes, and I tried unsuccessfully to hold them in. I pulled my parka hood over my head so that people couldn’t see, and stuck my headphones into my ears.
          Diving dragged on as I listened to Nickelback pound into my ears for the third night in a row. No matter what music I listened to, this seemed to be the only thing I could listen to that wouldn’t remind me of something that I did with him. Even as much as I tried to avoid thinking about him, it never worked. I kept looking up to the balcony and looking at my phone for any sign of him. Kept waiting for my phone to vibrate in my pocket telling me he changed his mind, and he was coming after all. I sighed when diving ended, that meant that I had another event that I had to swim, unwillingly tonight. I cheered as Cassie dove in for the 100 butterfly. I walked up to the blocks again, as our coach came walking over to talk to me. I took the headphones out of my ears.
          “Put some more effort in this one kiddo, we need the win.” He told me. I nodded. I didn’t hate swimming this event as much as I did the 200 but at least I could manage a decent time, and hopefully the cut in this one. Everyone wanted to see me take both the 100 and 200 state titles this year, I just wasn’t sure if I wanted both of them. I’d have colleges hounding me all the way through my senior year. I stood waiting for the end of the 100 fly. I put my cap back on my head. My long read hair all over the place. I pulled my goggles out of my parka pocket and slipped them on my head. I took my parka and hung it on the diving board, exactly where coach didn’t want me too. I took my iPod and wrapped the headphones around it and stuck it in my parka pocket. Took a drink of my water and stepped up to the block.
          “Take your mark.” The official said, and the starter went off. I dove into the water, I didn’t think about anything. I flipped at the second wall, taking the lead, and gave the swim all that I could, as I flipped the third wall, I pushed off with all of my strength.  As my coach had wanted, I won the even, and as I touched the wall, I looked at the board, I smiled to myself, I’d won, and I’d gotten the state cut. Then I looked up in the balcony to find, not the boy I wanted to see, but to my astonishment, my very best friend. I smiled up at him and he waved back down at me. Even though I had a boyfriend, I still had an amazingly weird love for him. I swam down to cool off after winning another 100 freestyle.
          As I turned around and looked back upstairs I couldn’t find him. So I walked over and grabbed my towel, thinking about how much I missed James. I dried myself off, and took another peak at my cell phone. It said ‘missed call’ I hit okay and said ‘James.’ I hit end and saw the text message that was waiting for me. I opened it to read ‘from: Nate’ as I read on it said ‘I know that this is probably the worst time to do this, but I don’t think that things are going to work out between us.’ I closed my eyes. Part of me was relieved and part of me wanted to bawl my eyes out right then and there. I hit reply and simply said “ok.” I put the phone back in my parka pocket, and put it on. As I glanced over into the pool office I saw James standing there, waiting for me too look at him. He looked at me with questioning eyes, knowing I’d just read a text message. He motioned for me to come over and see him. I grabbed my water bottle off of the bench and zipped my bag back up. The 500 was about to start, as I walked down the pool deck. I walked around the pool and over to the office, my coach looked at me saying ‘you better make it quick.’
          James was 6’1” brown hair, and blue eyes. He was one of my best friends’ older brothers. He swam for the boys team, and I’d swam many practices with him, and let me tell you, he’s one of those boys who can pull of a Speedo, and there’s not very many of them.  We met when we were in Junior High, and we’ve been friends ever sense. We fight like we’re brother and sister. 
          I walked into the office, and he immediately pulled me to him for a hug. I fell right into his arms, like that was the only place I’d ever wanted to be. He held me for a little while, and finally asked me what happened.
          “I know you just read a text message. It was from him wasn’t it?” he said it with anger and jealousy in his voice. I just kept my face in his chest not answering him. He reached down and pulled my cell phone out of my parka pocket. He read the text. He pulled me closer, held me tighter.  “What do you swim next?” he asked.
          “The 200 relay.” I replied.
          “Is that it then?”
          “Yes.” 
          “Go swim your race, I’ll be here waiting for you.”
          “Promise?”
          “I promise.” The bell sounded for the last 50 of the 500. He was still holding me tightly, not wanting to let me go.
          “You have to let me go swim the race. I haven’t been in it all night, but I have to anchor the relay.” He laughed.
          “You? Anchor a relay?” he said sarcastically.
          “Yes anchor the relay. The A relay. I have to go.”
          “I’ll be here when you’re done. I promise.” As I walked out the door, I thought I heard him say ‘I love you’ but I wasn’t sure. So I walked up to the blocks, and the other girls came up too. I was swimming the A relay tonight with Lindsey, Cassie, and Rachel. We were all juniors this year, headed to state meet, each of us now individually, Cassie in the 100 fly, Lindsey in the 100 back, and Rachel in the 100 breaststroke. All of us were already going in the 200 medley relay and the 200 free relay. None of us enjoyed the 400 free relay so we avoided swimming it. My little sister Michelle was over in the other lane, on the B relay tonight. She is a freshman this year. Lindsey stepped up on the block for her leg of the relay.
          “Take your mark.” The official said, and the starter went off. Lindsey was fast, she’d been swimming for a long time with me and James. James was Lindsey’s older brother. There were some nights where she could give me a run for my money, tonight especially. Rachel stepped up on the block.
          “Charlie, I’m going to need you to tell me when to go.” She said. Lindsey came fast into the wall.
          “Go!” I said. Rachel grabbed a body length on the girls next to us. “Alright come on Cassie.” Cassie stepped up on the blocks. “Do you need me to start you?”
“Nope.” She said. She watched Rachel as she came speeding into the wall.
          “Okay.” Cassie jumped in, right on time.  I glanced over to see who was anchoring Marion’s relay. I saw someone I didn’t want to see, Brittany Lancer. I stepped up on the block, I took my track start stance, and glance over at Brittany. She was good, and I knew it. We were headed for an undefeated season, and I knew this relay was up for grabs. Cassie came into the wall a half a body length ahead of the girl next to her. I pushed off the block into the water.  I knew that if I didn’t win, I’d never live it down, not with James here and swimming with Brittany over the summer. She was my main competition, and if I let her beat me tonight I’d hear about it from her and all the boys this summer.  I came to the wall and flipped, I came off the wall a half a body length ahead, and I kicked. As I came into the finish, I held my breath. I could see Brittany coming in next to me. I touched, then she touched, I’d won, thank God. I looked up at the board, best time for us. I reached over the lane marker.
          “Good swim Brittany.” I said, as we shook hands.
          “Thanks, you to Charlie. What’s James doing here?” The official blew the whistle for us to swim down.
          “I’m guessing he came to watch us swim.”
          “I was just wondering, I saw him hugging you earlier, and I was wondering if you two finally got together.”
          “Nah. Just friends as usual.” Is it that obvious that we have it bad for each other?
          “Oh, alright. You know he hasn’t been with anyone sense Liz.” Liz was another girl that we swam with over the summer, who swims for Adrian High School, she competed with me all summer because James broke up with her to be with me, and she knew it, even though James would never admit it.
          “Yeah, I know.”
          “Are you to ever going to get together? It’s bound to happen.”
          “Britt…” I sighed, maybe she was right. Maybe this was supposed to happen. I jumped out of the pool. I walked back down to the deep end of the pool and grabbed my parka and my water bottle.
          “Charlie!” my coach called.
          “Shit.” I turned around and walked up to him. “Yeah coach.”
          “Why is James on deck? You both know that he’s not allowed on deck.”
          “Coach, really right now is not the best time to debate with me over whether or not he’s allowed on deck.”
          “Charlie, he’s not allowed on deck.”
          “At this point in time, I don’t care if he’s aloud on deck or not, if you want the girl who just swam that race for you, I suggest that you leave it alone.” I turned my back and walked away.     
          “Charlie…”
          “Leave it alone coach.” I said over my shoulder. I walked over to the pool office, and saw James waiting for me. I went up to him, and fell back into his arms.
          “What was that all about?” he asked
          “Who, Coach or Brittany?”
          “Coach.”
          “He was bitching at me about you being on deck”
          “And what did Britt have to say?”
          “She asked if we were together yet. Told me it was bound to happen. That you hadn’t been with anyone else sense Liz.”
          “Well she’s right. I haven’t been with anyone sense Liz. Would you go out with me Charlie?” I stood looking at him, stunned. I had expected it, but not right now, not so soon after Nate breaking up with me.  “Charlie?” he waved his hand in front of my face. “Anyone in there?” he laughed.
          “Uhh…well yeah of course.”
          “Good. I’ve been waiting to ask that for a long time.”
          “Sense you and Liz broke up.”
          “Yeah.”
          “What about Lindsey? She’s going to be pissed.”
          “Don’t worry about Lindsey. Everything will be fine.” He pulled me back into his arms, and I let him. I loved the feeling of being in his arms, but for years I’d left my feelings for him hidden deep inside me. He was my best friend, and my first love. I laid my head against his chest.
          “Charlie.” Oh shit, just who I wanted to see.
          “Hi Coach.”
          “What do you think you’re doing?”
          “I’m hugging my boyfriend.” The words felt weird as they slipped from my mouth.     
          “That’s not your boyfriend.”       
          “Coach, yes it is. Now would you mind going away, I need some alone time right now. You got your state cut today. I don’t know what else you want.”
          “How about that individual cut in the 200 free.”
          “Back off.”
          “Coach, can you just give us a few minutes? Then you can have Charlie back.” James cut in. Coach walked out the door, and I let him with out another word. “You haven’t made the 200 cut yet? That’s not like you.”
          “I just haven’t had the energy to grab that cut yet.”
          “Or your mind hasn’t been at the starting blocks with you.”
          “Okay, so maybe it hasn’t.”
          “Promise me you’ll take that cut at the next meet. I want to see you win state meet this year.”
          “I will win state meet this year. My mind just hasn’t been in the pool the past couple of weeks.”
          “He’s been cheating on you hasn’t he.”
          “Yeah I’m pretty sure he has. But my thoughts about you haven’t been much better than his actions with Tay lately.”   
          “What do you mean your thoughts about me?”
          “I’ve been dreaming about you…a lot lately. Like I feel like you’re the only thing that matters to me.”
“I knew you loved me.”     
          “Apparently that’s obvious to the rest of the world too. I should go cheer for the rest of the girls. Do you want to come with me?”
          “He’s going to be pissed.”
          “I really don’t care at this point.”
          “Alright, I’ll come with you.” He grabbed my hand as he opened the door for me. They were soft and warm. He rubbed his thumb on my hand as we walked out on the pool deck. I could feel every one’s eyes on us, but I didn’t care anymore. All I wanted was to be in his arms.  I glanced around to see if I could find Lindsey, I saw her, and the look on her face made me wince. She glared at me.
          “I told you she was going to be pissed.” I said angrily. James glanced around to see his little sister.
          “Yeah, she does look pissed.” He chucked as he said it.
          “Hey! It’s not funny.” I said. I wanted to hit him for being insensitive, but I knew that he cares about me, so I didn’t.       
          “She’ll get over it. We both know it. We just need to let her get used to the idea.” As he said this, he pulled me around so that I was facing him, and I looked up at him, and he looked down at me. He picked me up, and I locked my legs around him. And as he used his hands hold me up, each hand on a butt cheek, he kissed me. For the first time in my life, I felt like my heart stopped. I heard some ‘Go James!’???? and I heard some people say ‘Charlie!’ with astonishment in their voices. I heard Lindsey go ‘You bitch.’ And from the stands I heard my father, my very alcoholic father, scream ‘Catherine Lynn!’ but James didn’t seem to notice everything in the background, all he seemed to be focused on kissing me. We kissed for what seemed like hours. Finally James leaned back from me.
          “I’ve have been waiting to do that for a very long time.” he said.
          “Yeah.” I said breathlessly. He put me down, and I walked over to finish cheering on the Rachel. These girls were my family and my friends. I loved them more that I loved my parents. I thought about my dad calling from the stands as James and I kissed. It made me feel like I really didn’t want to go home after the meet.Earlier I'd heard some people yelling “Go James” from the stands, and I knew that he felt like he was the biggest guy in the school. I was a hard catch according to almost all of the guys. I’d been with Nate for almost 6 months, and before that, I was one wild party animal. I didn’t go out with boys, they were my toys, and everyone knew it. They followed me around like drooling dogs. I was 5’5” 105 pounds with long red hair and blue eyes. I wore a size 2 in jeans, a zero occasionally; a small top, and a 32 C bra. I did modeling outside of sports for school, but I still didn’t think of myself as pretty. Maybe that came from the fact that my father was an alcoholic and used every chance that he got to tell me how much of a mistake I was. My mother left a long time ago, and I don’t remember much of her. I tried to spend as much time outside of his house as I possible could. I slept many nights over at Lindsey’s house, and many nights jumping between Rachel and Cassie’s houses. We’d all grown up together swimming. I was 8 the first time my father decided that he wanted to sexually abuse me. His favorite time was bath time. I didn’t know how I was supposed to act, and according to him, I meant nothing. I was actually surprised that he showed up at my meet tonight. I looked up in the stands to see if I could find him. I wondered how drunk he was going to be tonight. I couldn’t find him.
          “Shit.” I said
          “What?” James asked.
          “I can’t find my dad. He was up there when we were kissing, but I don’t know where he is now.” My stomach was in my throat the next second.
          “What do you mean you can’t find him?”
          “He’s not up there anymore. He was up there though. Shit. Shit. Shit.” There was panic in my voice.
          “What do you think he’s going to do?”
          “I don’t know. He tried to kill Nate when he found out we were going together.”
          “Why are you still living there?”
          “James…this is neither the time nor the place to have that conversation. I already know that I won’t be going home tonight. I am supposed to stay with Lindsey. Now, I’m not so sure. We really should find where my dad is, and we should go talk with Lindsey.” I saw a smirk on his face, I knew he always liked the nights I stayed at Lindsey’s. I usually wore a tank top without a bra and a pair of short pajama shorts. The tank top wasn’t long enough to cover my torso, so my stomach always showed, Along with the tattoo, of a butterfly, on my lower back.
          “We are going to have this conversation later tonight. I deserve to know the story behind all of this. I know bits and pieces from listening to you and Lindsey talk but that is about it”
          “I said we need to go talk to Lindsey and we need to do it now.”