Who Am I

When you asked someone “Who are you?”, most people will answer “I am Billy, an engineer with ABC”.  But if that really who Billy is? 

Through the struggles in my marriage and motherhood, I have learnt that I no longer know Who I Am but have become Who I Should Be.  I discovered through the plain innocence of my child that I have become another actress in this big stage called The Society.  I have moulded myself to society’s perception and demand, and play my role as and when needed.  I have to say I have my grandfather (Ah Qong) to thank because I have managed to play just a minor role instead of playing the lead actress.  Ah Qong was a carefree, simple man which is the essential ingredients of happiness.  I remember, we were still goofing around in the car park like two overgrown kids a few hours before his death.  I truly could say he lived a TRUE LIFE.

Unfortunately, this does not apply to the man I love and have chosen to marry.  It hurts when I realised that my husband has fallen into the society trap and plays the lead actor.  He has different mask/façade to suit the occasion and this façade extends to his wife and child.  I do not know the real man I have married, the actual person underneath that façade.  Is he happy?  Is he lonely?  The more masks we own, the more we lose our real identity and become someone that is completely detached.  I noticed my husband can carry a conversation very well in any social gathering but they are all superficial conversation.  He is definitely a social butterfly – fits into any crowd.  But is this life is all about?  Having superficial conversation, maintaining a façade and suppressing the real you?  Nowadays, no one likes to have in depth meaningful true conversations anymore for fear of being ostracized as an emotional troubled psychological being!

Has the world become a measurable yardstick that everyone has to live up to its expectation?  Why is in depth conversation such a difficulty?  One example I have learnt in New Zealand is there is only one  answer to “How are you “ and the answer is “Good”.  If you say, “I’ve had a bad day”, you will get the answer “Oh, that is a shame.  I’ve got to go make my coffee now.  Hope your day gets better” and the person quickly scoot off.  We have all evolved into selfish beings and letting the façade down has become a no-no for fear of being rejected by the society.  No doubt, we cannot act like we are still a child and throw tantrums and scream and cry when we do not get our way but that do not mean we have to completely suppress the real us.  I was once tickling my then 11months old son in my uncle’s place when my uncle walked in and say  “you are still like a child yourself”.  I then stopped.  Looking back, I thought to myself why do I have to stop?  If I cannot be Who I Am and be completely transparent with my child, then what example am I showing my child?  To a certain extent, all of us have to put up an act/mask/façade in this world but we also must know when to take it all off and bare our soul to people that we love and trust. 

With my failing marriage, counselling is the recommended option but I noticed that my husband still wears a mask through counselling.  I already knew that counselling would not work because if he cannot remove that mask for his wife and child, will he remove that mask for a stranger?  I once thought it was the Chinese culture that puts so much importance in maintaining a ‘face’ so that we are not seen as ‘weak’ but  in reality everyone practices that. 

My wish as a mother is for my child to learn and discover himself and be proud of whom he is.  I am already noticing my child at 1 year old is already putting on a ‘mask’ when he senses that being carefree and silly is not acceptable.  The craziness I see in my child is only exhibited in my presence and those who made him feel at ease.  Does a boy at 1 year old really need to control his emotions?  A few years ago, I watched a movie regarding an autistic women name Molly (played by Elizabeth Shue) who was given a chance after brain wave therapy to be normal.  But when she became ‘normal’, she was shocked to see normal people do not express their feelings freely.  There is so much restrain being a normal person.  In the end, the therapy reversed and she ended up autistic again but she is happier because she has seen the world as a normal person and it is not any better than her autistic world. 

I personally would like to work on getting my façade down and be a carefree happy person.  I also hope the people I love would learn by observing a child what life is all about.  There is no better way to learn about life than through the eyes and shoes of an innocent little child.  I hope my son would teach me to be True to myself again and certainly hope in his eulogy for me “My mother has lived a good and TRUE life!”.