Modern Woman

This morning I received a forwarded e-mail from my mum titled “What Modern Women Wants”…by Amanda Chong Wei –Zhen….must read.  I proceeded to read the forwarded e-mail starting with the credits for Amanda Chong, a 15-YEAR-OLD Singaporean, competing against 16-> 18-year-olds, has won the top prize in a writing contest that drew 5,300 entries from 52 countries winning the Commonwealth Essay.  I thought to myself “It’ll be good to see the views of 15 years old in terms of being a modern woman”.  As I began to read her essay, tears started to well up in my eyes and upon finishing, I felt inspired to pen my own story – my own life story of a Modern Woman.

I am just a typical girl next door, born in Malaysia in a simple family.  As a child, I have been quite an ambitious, opinated person and these characteristics have been the key to my success as well as downfall in life. 

A bit on my childhood – both my parents are working parents so I was raised by my maternal grandparents and am exceptionally close to my grandfather whom I call Ah Qong.  Ah Qong loves me unconditionally and his love has sheltered me most of my life until his passing.  Life with Ah Qong and Poh Poh (grandmother) is simple but I remember being carefree and happy.  Upon his passing, I became lost and start creating milestones of happiness for myself. 

Like all ambitious young Asian girls, these are some my milestones which I perceived would bring me HAPPINESS:

•          Move to a western country (overseas) by the age of 25

•          Successful career  by the age of 30

•          Have my own property before the age of 30

•          Married to an ang moh (westerner) by the age of 30 with kids

When I completed secondary school, I was so sure that I will study overseas but unfortunately that never materialised and I ended up in a local university.  That compels me to excel and get a job in a company where overseas transfer is a possibility and that ‘milestone’ is achieved when I finally got transferred to the head company in New Zealand.  First tick on the checklist achieved.  But am I happy? No, I was shocked with the quiet and mundane lifestyle but convinced myself this milestone is checked and to move on. 

Driven by my milestones of happiness, I job hopped to get to the pay and position I desire which ultimately materialised my property milestone.  Another two milestones checked.  Well, I might not be a CEO of a company but at least I am holding a senior position.  Again I am not happy because there is still a void in me.  I thought to myself, maybe if I achieve that marriage and child milestone, life will be complete.

Now, the last milestones to happiness will be the story I am going to share….

I did not achieve my last milestone by the age of 30 but nevertheless I did achieve that milestone.  Initially everything is seen through a coloured glass and our cultural and upbringing incompatibility is overlooked.  The ‘Me, Myself and I’ in him is not ideal but acceptable because we both have our own separate career, friends, lifestyle and I believed that once we have a child, he will be the ultimate loving father.  Then came the good news -  I am pregnant.  Through my pregnancy, he was really supportive and loving.  I could not have been happier. 

Then the little one came along and I will never forget the feeling of holding him in my arms.  It brought a true sense of happiness, joy and love that I have been searching for. My whole perspective of live and happiness finally have a true meaning.  That void has been filled! I finally felt that feeling of love and happiness again since the death of my beloved Ah Qong.  It replaces all the material milestones I have set upon myself in search of happiness.  However this sense of happiness has a shadow hanging over as we discovered that we are completely different and have very different parenting skills.  Restriction are being imposed and I was not allowed to have my son sleeping in the same room as us because it disrupts his sleep, not allowed to bed share, not allowed to use baby monitor as it picks up every single noise and disrupt his sleep and lots more. 

When I made my decision to be a full time mother because I have finally found true happiness, he crucifies me by being no longer supportive emotionally and financially. 

My perspective of life and importance shifted tremendously as I see my son grows.  Where I once was ashamed of my Chinese culture has now become important.  I want my son to know his roots as part Chinese part Kiwi.  Where I once was a Sunday Christian has also taken a deeper meaning so that there is always guidance and support for my son and also to know the importance of God in his life.  In terms of status, career and material hoardings, these seem so petty and provide false happiness.  Of course, the concept of the grass is greener on the other side has also shown its true colours.

In short, I have finally found true happiness in my son.  It comes in the form of a little miracle that salivates, cries and screams and NOT in the four happiness milestones I have carved out for myself.  Have I made the right decision to give up everything I have achieved for my son?  Without a single regret, yes I have, even if I have to live my life being ostracised by my husband and his family.  Is this worth it?  Again the answer is yes because I finally found that happiness cannot be bought or measured but must come from within the heart and knowing who you are.  I have evolved from the Modern Woman into a Real Woman. 

Now I am at the crossroad in my life….. do I stay in a failed marriage so that my son does not come from a broken family and also to maintain ‘face value/facade’ as failure is not a vocabulary in the Modern Woman world or admit defeat of my own failure and pursue true happiness with my son and the rest of my life as a Real Woman?