Eavesdropping

No no no no no!

I cursed myself as my headphones emitted another beep beep beep indicating it was about to shut down over lack of energy.

How could I have missed this? Had I checked the batteries? Realising that no I had not, I resigned myself to the consequences.

Serves me right for rushing out of my building and straight into the underground. I berated myself but after my actions last night I wanted nothing more to be out of the place. I couldn’t stand the growing animosity towards me and new the time for me moving on was close to hand.

Another beep beep beep as it finally died and my music faded away. I braced myself for the inevitable crash of waves, and was not taken too much by surprise by the torrent. Well, maybe I was finally getting used to this. It wasn’t so much the loud chatter that made me dizzy; it was the knowledge that came along with it. It was like I was a little terminal to the world wide web of minds. If they were thinking about Stacey I would know who Stacey was, what she looked like and also flashes of stories underneath the thought that the guy across from me was having. It was always easier if I concentrated on a few or, preferable one person but I’m not very conformable with this. Who am I to eavesdrop on them? What gives me the right? Just so I can keep a bit of my sanity intact as I go along the train?

It was definitely something that I had not reconciled myself with.

So, who’s the hapless victim this time? I smiled in my mind but kept it from my face. I had learned early on not to show emotion to the thoughts I was hearing. Any emotion was unacceptable. I reasoned I should find a quiet mind, maybe with music. Yes. I could concentrate on the music that they were listening to instead of the music I had lost. Ok so, rap –no. Something like Soft Rock? I looked at the portly gentleman with the thinning ponytail and abruptly moved on. He had caught my glance and his mind was wandering with images of me. Some people were as greasy as they looked. I quickly moved on.

Oh! How lucky, he was listening to the same band as I was, albeit it a different album. I hadn’t heard their earlier songs in a long time but I recognised the intricate balance of drums and piano as the song began and I settled into my seat to listen closer, and shut out everyone else.

I was surprised how easy it was to be swept away by it and everyone else seemed to quieten and I imagined that they were listening to the music too, especially as it seemed to reverberate in my head.

Maybe I wouldn’t need my mp3 player again, this is actually easy. As the beat came around again I hummed, in my head, along to the base line which I always loved from this particular band, and went along with the singer and the melody.

But it wasn’t quite how I remembered. It was a lower key to start with, and was more echo-ey. Was this a live version? But that couldn’t be it because the voice missed some of the words and the piano seemed to be including the melody now, which for one person to do would be physically impossible. Even though they had made extraordinary advances in music technology this was different. It wasn’t any kind of recording because I could feel it.

The piano bridge had been going for a long time now. It also seemed more intricate with more harmonies than the original but then the drum beat and base seemed to be simpler. I located the man to look closer.

First off he was younger looking than his mind felt. I could see the depth of thought and emotion and it didn’t seem to sit right in the youthful shell of a body. He was quite preppy too, which I know is judgmental but I never said I was perfect. His short dark blond hair ruffled in a casual way that looked effortlessly perfect and the collar of his crinkled blue shirt was turned up at the back. The sleeves of the shirt were shoved up to his elbows to reveal muscled lower arms and strangely long fingers that, as I watched, tapped away in an almost imperceptible movement. I would have missed it completely except that they were moving on an invisible piano to the music in both of our minds.

Another penny dropped as I looked closer and saw that he had no earphones in. He was playing the music in his head and playing it how he would if he had a piano. Correction, how he wished he could play it when he was at a piano. Now that I was concentrating I had flashes of his fingers on the black and white keys. Hyper clear and fast and then back to drumming on his denim legs.

Although it was not the original it was beautiful. I took note of the new intricacies and flares as his fingers moved more earnestly. I could feel him lose himself in the music, and his feeling of peace brushed over me too.

I found myself adding to the music, albeit it in my own simple way. A little harmony here and there to add to the melody or the base line. Strangely, these additions fit, and he added to them, like we were somehow working together. As the beat came round again I sang the verse in my head, remembering the distinctive voice of the singer and fitting it in with our strange composition. Although in my head the imagined voice was perfect, in the man’s head the voice was echo-ey and just a little off, like his memory of the piano piece of the music was not quite right in mine. I guess its all about perspective.

Wait a second…

Right, this next bit is very hard to describe as everything that happens does so in literally a few seconds, so just bear with me.

First of all the music stopped but because this was unexpected to me my inner humming continued with the base and wispy melody that I could remember. Then I felt a blankness that I had only rarely experienced in another person. This quiet and lack of anything from the man could only mean shock. I looked up confused and confirmed to myself that he was the only blank in the carriage, on the train even. It was definitely him and not my ability faltering.

I concentrated harder, searching for something that I had missed, why was there still nothing? What had shocked him? What was wrong with him? But his mind was like a brilliant white canvas with no marks of any kind; bright light with no shadow of anything.

He was frowning and I know that I mirrored him.

And then he looked up and everything changed.

Not only did we lock eyes but minds. My thoughts and questions were mirrored and re-run in his mind, bouncing back and forth between the two of us. It made me dizzy but I couldn’t move to shake the feeling away. I wanted to stop but my thoughts kept on running away with me, as I think they would if anyone else was in my position.

How is this possible? He must be able to read minds too! Was that what he was doing before? He’s reading mine now, stop it! The who, what, when, where, and whys wouldn’t stop until I could no longer see them in front of me.

I saw him.

I focused on him and his eyes were now closed and his mouth a hard line of concentration.

I could feel that this was a very old memory and this was verified by the vision of his schoolmates who were no older than 6 or 7 years. He was sat with his teacher reading, but he was saying what was in her mind, and not what was in the book. The teacher corrected him verbally and looked down at him in a very strange way and he knew that she thought he was very odd and that something might be wrong with him. He learned to read properly after that.

The vision changed and he was older, heading to his front door. He was holding a present for his mother that he knew she wanted. She always said not to make a fuss over her but he had heard her mental sigh when she had first seen the gold bracelet in the jewellery shop window. It had been months ago but every time she passed, she checked that it was still there. She said nothing but hoped that her husband would get it for her but his father was clueless. He wanted to make her smile like she did in her mind when she thought of wearing it with her fancy red dress.

And then it was now, or in the near past and he was in a glass room that was within a larger grey walled room (he called it a room, but it looked more like a cell to me). He could feel a person behind one of the walls and he was drawing what the person was looking at. I could see the picture as clear as he could, a frog on a lily pad, and then it skipped forward and a man was smiling down at him, approving and proud of his hard work. Michael.

He opened his sharp blue eyes and his thoughts were filled with me on the train. My shock was clear by my opened-mouthed expression and I quickly closed it and leant back in the seat. He smiled and mirrored my action. It seemed we had both shifted to the edge of our seats in the confusion or concentration. I smiled too.

I need to meet him.

I know, he responded, I’ll take you to him.

I passed my stop and rode on with him. He was near the end of the line and I could see that it would be a long walk after that but I didn’t care. He was filling my mind with memories and thoughts of his life and his gift.

We told each other everything and more and it felt wrong and right at the same time. How could I stand anyone knowing me as fully as he did? And his thoughts were just as hesitant to start with but then we both relaxed and our minds were one. After a while I couldn’t tell who was asking the questions and who was answering. I knew everything about him and he about me. We might as well be sharing the same mind.

His parents were wonderful. They realised early on that their son was special and when he knew it was time to confide in them (when he heard their thoughts and knew that they’d all but figured it out) they were magnificent, everything we both hoped for in a ‘coming out’ situation. In contrast, his face set as he saw my past. The loneliness and struggle, the not so much running as hiding away and the lies to my parents. However, in the same nanosecond he instantly understood why I hadn’t confided in them and, although he thought there was another way, he accepted my actions.

I stifled a laugh at his memories of girlfriends and the success and failures of him using his gifts. I couldn’t reciprocate the memories as he was the closest I had been to anyone since I had started hearing thoughts but I had to hide my grin again as I realised that I would hear the best and the worst thoughts in the world while being in a relationship with someone.

And then there was Ava. We both paused on the mental picture of her face. She was beautiful in an exotic way, even though there was nothing exotic about her heritage. She was extraordinary by pure chance. She had wide, heavy lashed eyes that, with her hair and skin tone should be dark chocolate brown but they were the palest blue-grey. Her dark hair framed her delicate face and tumbled down between her shoulder blades. A glimpse of the sensation of holding a handful of that soft hair followed and I shot him a warning look. I didn’t want to know that much about his girlfriend, but I already knew everything. The way her hair felt and smelt, the way her lips tasted and the sound of her laughter filled me with the same glow as it did Alex. He truly loved her and, being as close to a part of him as I now was how could I not love her too?

Very strange we both mused, but understandable, he added. Yes, he couldn’t understand how anyone could not love her. It was obvious this was one of his favourite foods for his thoughts as he launched into memory after thought after memory of her until there wasn’t anything I didn’t know.

She won’t like that I know everything, I interrupted him.

No, he blushed slightly and I knew he had got carried away with himself, which I thought was very sweet.

But she’ll understand, I paused, If -

- we tell her, he finished. We both smiled

I know this seems terribly one sided but I was the one hungry for information, always wanting and needing more on everything in his life. Especially how he functioned with his gift. This was essential to me, as it became more apparent that in comparison I was not functioning or coping with my affliction. Where I was hiding in my routines and plans, he was embracing and exploring thus our chance meeting.

It wasn’t a coincidence that we were ‘listening’ to the same band. He heard my music and it was a natural progression to the song I heard him playing, which is his favourite from that band. He felt the same ease at slipping into my thoughts as I did with his.

Michael’s going to love this. I said it because I knew it was true and we both smiled at the complete and effortless connection between us. Then I felt mine fade slightly, although my happiness hadn’t subsided, just changed. His thoughts darkened in response and remembered my nights before this discovery, even last night.

I always tried my hardest to stay in my apartment. I didn’t like sleeping in my car, even if I could hear any wrong doers coming, but sometimes it was very hard to stay in bed.

I had picked it as it was run down and almost empty building, most if not all were usually single occupants and I could live with most of them. Unfortunately last night was not a good night and I was not looking forward to returning.

The unpopular, usually empty restaurant, three floors below me was open late. It was full of friends and family members trying to boost the business. Even though most spoke English, their thoughts were in Chinese so I couldn’t understand anything. This was made even more aggravating by the disjointed images that seeped up through my floorboards. I buried my head in my pillow but this obviously did nothing to help. I moulded it around my head and found that if I pressed really, really hard I could make a slight ringing in my ears, but I couldn’t keep that up all night. It went on and on until I couldn’t stand it any more and I stomped over to my stereo, turned on the late night rock station and cranked it up to full. I felt the sharp pain of my neighbours’ thoughts coming into angry focus as I woke them up but I shoved them aside, trying to concentrate on the music. But it was no use. All thoughts were now concentrated on me. Hateful, wrathful, enraged and resentful, they seemed to brand themselves into my mind. Why couldn’t I shut them out? Why was I the only one with everyone inside my head? I filled myself with self-pity and sobbed until, rather than sleep, I found unconsciousness out of pure exhaustion.

You’ll never be alone again. It was a promise

Being alone isn’t the problem, I‘m never alone. I gave him the thoughts of all the people I couldn’t help but hear and the helplessness I felt. The feeling of being anyone of them and not myself. Then I shifted and pondered my current situation.

You know I understand. But you’ll get more control over it. You already have through me.

I knew he was right. I had all of his memories on the practice sessions with Michael. Going to a busy rail station and picking out one person and focusing on them until they disappeared on a train almost a mile away. Then he would pick someone else and practised with them. I knew the techniques as though they had been taught to me.

And when it comes to me and this, he mentally extended his arms to our newly shared consciousness, just tell me if it gets too much. We’ll work something out. You’re not loosing yourself Kat.

He let me see the void of sound that he had been working towards in the glass room, another exercise from Michael. It was a kind of Novocain for him, us. It wasn’t a hundred percent but it almost took the voices away. And his determination to succeed for himself was now more focused due to my need. It was so endearing that I could have jumped in his lap and held him forever.

He laughed out loud, which caught the attention of the fellow commuters, which we had both all but forgotten about.

“Hey Kat, I didn’t see you there.” He waved slightly and stood to move towards me. I saw his mind and I didn’t hesitate.

“Alex? Oh my God, I thought it was you but, you know me” I stood to meet him in the aisle.

He laughed a bit too hard “Yeah, I do” and then he stepped close to me and wrapped his arms around me. I fit easily into his chest and he seemed to surround me completely. He was a lot bigger than he seemed sat down.

I could feel the eyes and thoughts on us. We hadn’t fooled any of them. It seemed, for the brief moment my mind shifted from myself to those around me (how long had it been since I had focused on me?), they had all witnessed the few minutes of intense gazing between the two of us. 

Get a room

Are these guys for real?

I knew they knew each other

Surely they know they shouldn’t be talking on public transport?

I wish Kevin would look at me like that

God I hate couples.          

I didn’t want them watching; I wanted their thoughts elsewhere. Why couldn’t it just be him and me? “I haven’t seen you in ages” I betrayed myself with the crack in my voice.

He held me closer and I couldn’t keep up the appearance anymore. Relief washed over me and I couldn’t help the tears. I didn’t care that people were staring and thinking I was a crazy person because the one person who mattered knew I wasn’t.

No you’re not. Everything is going to be ok. I’m here. We’ll get through this. Come on now, they really do think you’re crazy and I do use this train a lot…

His imagination ran away with him, seeing the same passengers he had seen day in and day out slowly backing away from him every time he entered the carriage with exaggerated cautious or scared looks on their faces. The man with the ponytail squealed like a girl when he saw him

I laughed and sniffed

“Sorry, I’m just really glad you’re here”

“I know” he moved to seat us both together and held me against him while wiping away the wetness on my cheeks and moving the hair out of my face. 

“There you go.” He held my face close to his and locked me with a mockingly fake sympathetic smile.  “Now, what have you been up to?” his quick change to false cheery curiosity made me laugh again as he said this purely for the onlookers and eavesdroppers.



* * * * *



The walk back home was as long as his thoughts portrayed, how could they lie? But it was in good company and so familiar to me now that I could have found my way there without him and blindfolded.

We had chatted idly the rest of the train journey, giggling on the inside like school children at our shared jokes. I couldn’t remember the last time I laughed, especially not like that. He was certainly infectious.

Once we were free of the stragglers at his station, the empty streets were ours and we didn’t pretend anymore. We drifted back into the new rhythm of mental exchange that we were both equally fascinated with. His enthusiasm for our new state of existence radiated out of him and I could almost feel it make my skin glow, like I was walking next to the sun.

We beamed at my idea; me at his complete acceptance and happiness to share himself so entirely with me, and him at the strangeness of being my sun.

We moved onto other parts of each other’s minds to explore. There was a universe to explore. Two actually, as I was watching myself and my memories through his eyes. He laughed at the oddest things, and mocked me every chance he got.

It was very strange. If he had made fun of me like that 2 years earlier, I would have been truly hurt or start to really hate the guy, but seeing his thoughts, their origins and meanings meant that I laughed too. I always knew the exact context of his thoughts and feelings and words and that, I guess, is where the wonderful world of understanding is borne from.

However, I kept coming back to how surprised and disconcerted I was at my impossibly strong link to this stranger. I stopped in the street and he paused his mental story of trying to communicate with animals and tilted his head so he actually looked like a puzzled dog.

“We’ve known each other a massive…” I looked down at my watch and made the calculations.

“Twenty seven minutes” he finished. “I know. It’s scary and incredible and amazing.”  I never thought I’d meet anyone like me. Yeah there are the others but no one can ever understand me like you do. And no one can understand you like me. Not anymore.

“I would stick with the scary at the moment” I wanted to keep this vocalised. The logical and rational clarity of my thoughts needed normal communication to work properly. Otherwise I could all too easily slip back into his mental cosmos.

“Oh come on Kat! Don’t you think this is amazing?” he walked closer to me. We were so close, joined even, in our mental conversations that I hadn’t noticed that we had drifted apart physically; me on the pavement and him into the middle of the street.

“Don’t worry about me, I’m sure I would have seen a car if it came along”

I ignored him “you know exactly how I feel about this” relief, gratefulness, humility, contentment, calm. “I’m just having a reality check here ok? Humour me” I walked ahead of him and he knew to stay back “and don’t interrupt me” I added. I knew he would given half the chance

You know me so well he jibed quietly behind me, but, with a hint of sadness (but always understanding), I felt the tickle of his consciousness distance itself from me as he obeyed me. It was like we had been holding each other, body to body, and now we were just holding hands.

Well, as alone as I was ever likely to be, ever, I let my mind go. What was going on? All these months of solitude and now suddenly I’m part of a hub? Was it really that simple? If so, why had it taken so long? Why couldn’t I have sensed him earlier? It was so different reading his mind, as I knew it was for him. Surely we should have found each other sooner?

But then the flip side, why am I even asking these questions? We found each other and that is all that matters. I can finally start to treat this disease. To manage it and hopefully (I flicked to a memory of his; he and Ava in the park) find some normality again. I could tell my parents. Maybe Michael would talk to them like he did to Alex’s. That would be nice, they would like the information he could give. Hell, I would.

I was now eager to get home. But it was Alex’s home I was referring to as if it were mine. But it might as well be. Its how it felt to me.

But the others

I let that hang in the air. I knew all of them as well as Alex, but they knew nothing of me. Saskia would be curious and generous and excited. Ava would be ecstatic and grateful for Alex’s sake. That thought stopped me. I knew this perspective was from Alex, but could it be that subjective?

I turned around and faced him.

I only know them through you. They could be completely different to me. You’re their brother and who am I? Some one who is stealing you away! A usurper?

Oh will you please calm down?

I passed him images of all of them that he had passed to me and paused on Ava.

“You really think she will be thrilled that you bring home a perfect stranger and tell everyone that we might as well have the same consciousness?”

He frowned at that and I continued in my mind, we could keep things from her, yes. But really, she WILL know. She’s not stupid. And you know she wishes she could read you at times and suddenly I turn up and don’t even have to look at you to know? I don’t even need to read your mind anymore, it’s like your actions and responses are already programmed into me. His frown deepened as he fully understood and agreed with me.

His own words echoed in his mind Yeah there are the others but no one can ever understand me like you do. And no one can understand you like me. Not anymore, “I hadn’t thought of it that way”

We continued walking, keeping pace effortlessly.

That’s kind of funny considering you’re someone who is filled with everyone else’s thoughts.

He laughed once at my joke.

“It is strange though. I never thought I would be so subjective, like you said. But it would explain the music”

Yes, the music! It was different in your mind

Well, it was different for me in yours.

But we do make sweet music we both laughed out loud at that, but we were both unsure who had thought it.

He quickly shifted his thoughts back to the relevant subject. “Give her time. She’ll be jealous and cautious at first. But she’ll love you.” It was a statement of fact that reverberated out of his mind “She’ll love you ‘cos I do”

He took my hand and held it firmly and I understood completely.

We were the same. We had shared so much that we had both changed but we were still the same people. His love for her had not changed and I knew that if I ever found someone to care about, Alex would not make any difference to my feelings. I knew as well as he did that she would be jealous and she would be watchful and mindful of everything she said and did around me. But it was over love for him, and who could blame her? He was utterly loveable.

Similarly I knew (perhaps better than he did) that she would also be watching everything that he and, more importantly I did. And this was also down to her love for him. How could I not love him? That’s what she will be asking, or trying her hardest not to ask in front of either of us. What was the best way of describing it to her?

It wasn’t that this new connection was more or less intense than their feelings for each other, it was just that it was so completely different. It could only be shown and felt to be understood. Were we like brother and sister? Yes and no. Twins would be better.

“Twins might work,” he said quietly as we turned the last corner.

I couldn’t believe we were finally here. How had we got here so fast?

“Guess we were lost in thought” he chuckled to himself as he extracted his hand from mine and went to the security gate.

He keyed in a number that I instantly thought was far too long and stepped back to look into the camera.

“Alex Gallagher and Katrina Dale”