Sometimes...

Sometimes, I am at that threshold of wanting to end it all and make it all go away: the pain, the anxiety, the uncertainty, the heavy feelings that weigh me down so much I want to jump off a tall building and say good-bye.

I see exaggerated lines of colour tracing away from real images I see and try to remember there is a lot I must do in this world, there is so much more to it than "Getting past one more day" and ignore the flickering lights, the darkness setting in and the cold winds blowing.

Think of it as the mix of reality meeting possibilities of the future. That converging timeline where all hangs in the balance at that small, minute moment in time where one has the choice to end it or continue. The question of existance comes in to play and we ask ourselves, "Am I alive?" "Is it all real?" "Is this just a false outcome that we are contemplating?"

I feel my circulation running through my body, like a heavy stream of traffic pushing its way to make the next lap and continue to live. The thoughts that plague my mind are incessant and deeply distressing.

It takes a sunset, a warm body, or maybe a gentle smile from a stranger as we walk our path down the street, pondering why we continue to exist if we feel like we do no good, if life is just too full of let-downs and dismay. Why do these horrid thoughts find their way into our minds? I cannot audibly force these out and expell the darkness within me from taking control and ending it all. Shadows whisper in the background like sirens calling to the sailors and seducing them to their deaths.

Sometimes... sometimes I feel like I am meant to die. But then again, we are all meant to die, in the end... so, really, it will fulfill my destiny if I die. But there must be more to it than that. It's more like a partial destiny. A shortcut, if I may say.

I lose my way often, and I stray from the thoughts of happiness, inspiration and motivation in life and I wander onto the track of death, decline and destruction. It is not my goal to flirt with such things that may alter my future, but who is to say we have control over what our future is? If everything happens for a reason, then perhaps I should listen to what comes to mind at the time... but even then, evils and false-prohphecies can lead one off the correct path and down to the abyss of turmoil...

Sometimes,... I just wish it were easier to know what I am meant to do in life. And more, sometimes I do not want anything to do with life.

I need to find my way.