Kebab Whale sketch- part two of three

KEBAB SHOP WHALE- NATHAN SCENE


At the bookies, Nathan is watching a horse race, the only one in the shop. The kebab shop owner from the previous scene enters, he is trying to sort out the problem of the whale that’s in the back of his food outlet.


(owner walks in squinting checking that its Nathan)


O; Nathan?

N; (starring at the screen) c’mon, c’mon, yes yes yes YES YES. NO NO NO you bastard horse (he crushes the polystyrene cup in his hands and throws it at the ground).

O; hey Nathan, Nathan its me.

N; did you bloody see that, its like all the horses I bet for have no fucking knees. How much is that jumper worth (nodding at the owners jumper).

O; what? my jumper? Your not betting my jumper. What’s the matter with you anyway its like half 9 in the morning?

N; …I’m sorry pal, I’m a mess right now. What you doing here anyway?

O; I need your help. I know you used to be a fisherman, you’re the only person I could think of to help me out.

N; I gave up fishing along time ago.

O; But everyone says you were a legend around here, I don’t know why you give up?

N; I’ve got my reasons. (looks into the distance)

O; ere, do you still own that pound shop?

N; that ran a ground about six months ago, meril from next door opened a 99p shop, just across the road, ruined me. I mean who’s gonna buy shitty t-towels for a quid if they can get them for 1p cheaper over the road. I’ll tell you who, my own bloody wife!

O; …right well anyway, I came to see you about your fishing background, I need some expertise in that area.

N; I haven’t talked about fishing in over 5 days.

O; …yep, well you see I’v got this kinda whale problem-


N; (cuts in, still looking into the distance) people would shake me hand in the street. Stop and ask for their photo with me. I was the talk of the town. I was more happy than a cod in butter source (smiles). (owner looks at the audience in bewilderment) (Nathan looks at the owner) Knock out Nathan they used to shout, because I once boxed an eel to death with me bare hands. There were about a dozen photos of me back at the boat house, holding ten, eleven pound fish. On one trip to madfish bay, I wrestled with a tuna fish for over three hours. Man and fish in the water completely naked. He may have stripped me of my clothes, but he did not strip me of my dignity. ‘Knock out Nathan, Knock out Nathan’ they would shout…still, that’s all over now. Ever since that night. That one fateful night that ended everything… did you say whale problem?

O; er, yes, yes I did. Well basically Karls an idiot and now theres a whale in the back of my shop, anyway I need to get rid of it as soon as I can.


N; sorry pal, that’s a tough situation but its not my business anymore. I vowed never to look at a fish in the eye again.

O; il give you fifteen quid.

N; I’ll have a quick look then yeah.

O; cheers Nathan, so what do you reckon I should do?

N; well il have to have a look at it first, whales are very delicate, and perceptive creatures. One minute they can be your best friend and the next minute you catch them in bed halfway up your wife’s arsehole. God I’m lonely.

O; ok (looking at Nathan in confusion). Well this one is semi conscious, and its been drained of half its milk over the last few days. Bloody things attached to pumps and that.

N; its milk? You’ve not been milking it? I’ve heard that’s pretty dangerous stuff.

O; why what do you mean?

N; well its just a fishing rumour, but, I’ve heard tales about the milk. Apparently turning fishermen insane. Turning good family fishermen into mumbling seabass. They get addicted to the milk you see, obsessed by it. And once you get obsessed with it the milk it gets under your skin, stars taking over your life. They wake up, its milk. They have breakfast its milk, they go to the toilet its milk, they get indigestion-

O; yeah its milk.

N; exactly, its milk, because they sit in their rooms drinking it all night.

O; Christ addicted? well I don’t think anyone’s been drinking it that much, although… o god, Brian. Shit, right Nathan lets go, you can have a look at this thing.

N; er yeah, did you say you had that fifteen quid on you. I was gunna put a bet on the four o clock.

O; er, yeah (gives him the money, looks at him worried) why don’t you just buy a sandwich instead?

N; No no, I bumped into some school boys on the way here, they gave me a tip for a horse called ‘I lick other peoples balls’. Finally win some money.

END















IDEA; NATHAN ACCIDENTLY CAUGHT A LITTLE BOY IN HIS NET, ENDING HIS CAREER.

IDEA; NATHANS CAREER ENDED BECAUSE THE PAPERS FOUND OUT HE WAS A PEODOPHILE AND HIS BOAT WAS TAKEN AWAY.