Death Wish

What sweet relief death is; what sorrow less peace I hear.
What is anguish anymore?
What is suffering?
I only feel happiness, for the destruction of mortal emotion has past away along with my body.
I cannot say that I miss any soul.
I cannot say that one person is still trapped within my memory.
My own memory is my last breath and with it, as it poured from my lungs, it took every ounce of life I a grateful to be separated from, and every individual spec of life I’m thankful not to remember.
When your eyes shut for the last time, it’s like they keep everything they have experienced and witnessed trapped within that body.
What secrets that are forever unknown do they hide?
Do I wish to know or don’t I?
Memory is precious.
I have taken it for granted in life and now it has been stolen from me.
Who are these people I see?
I am with them now; can they see me?
I am an invisible figure here with this distraught group of people.
What could possibly be so heart wrenching in order to cause them their pain?
Eyes full of confusion, sorrow, anger, longing, disbelief, and love.
Why must I see this?
I’m supposed to be happy now.
I have no wish to be reminded of the never-ending torture life put me through.
I do not wish to be reminded of the feelings and emotions.
I wish to be empty and wallow in my joy of death.
My only success in life was taking my life and I wish to celebrate peacefully.
I see myself now.
My body, I mean.
It is lying in a casket.
It is my funeral.
I am the center of attention.
My actions have succeeded me.
I am the cause of my family’s anguish, of these people’s suffering.
How I wish they could have shown this amount of love for me when I was alive.
How I wish I would have known how much they care.
I do not know if this knowledge should make me proud of regretful.
Being proud at this sight would declare my spirit to be evil.
I do regret my selfish action.
I know now that my reasoning behind it was incorrect and my haste in disbelieving has lead me to a horrible fate.
I remember.
I can recite my life like I’m reading from a book.
Now seeing through opened eyes, it is not so unbearable.
How selfish of me to leave this earth and leave behind my loved ones to suffer with my loss.
I am a fool.
My family does love me.
I have been blinded.
They cry for me.
Mom, do not cry, I am here beside you.
Dad, do not cry, look at me.
I wish to tell you all to not be upset in my passing for it is the happiest day I have ever known.
My realization of the love I always had.
Do not cry, for myself now lives within each one of you.
Wishing is pointless.
Regret is useless.
I am now part of a memory.
Not my own but a part of each one of your memories.
That alone is the success of my lifetime.
Dear friends, do not cry.
It’s me.
I shall feel weary in death because in life I have not accepted your support as trustworthy figures in my life.
My loved ones,
Open your eyes to see past the given sights.
Look at me.
Look through the tears and around the distraction of sadness.
I am not gone my love.
I have not left you.
In my short lifetime I have learned nothing of the true meaning of love.
I now learn that the only way for me to open my eyes is to close them forever.
I can now rest in peace knowing that I am loved ever so much.
I wish for you all to know that since I have taken my own life, the blame belongs to no one else.
I am to blame.
If there is any kindness or love left in my mind, body or spirit, it is with you all now and forever, for I do not deserve those precious gifts.
I do not even deserve the memory of my family and friends for I have neglected them.
I am not even worthy enough to die…