The Act of Forgiving For Widows And Divo

Forgiving someone for an offense; whether it is perceived or not, isn’t about the other person at all. Forgiving the other person is about you; the person who is doing the forgiving. It is a way to release your pain. Anger and rage are very draining on the body and the mind. By holding onto the pain of what someone else has done to you; you are holding yourself hostage. It doesn’t matter how long you have held on to it; once you release your resentment toward another; you also release yourself.



I have heard people say that they will never forgive others. It gives them pleasure in some sense, to make other people suffer. Well, I ask you this: Are others suffering? Do they even know that you are upset? Are they losing any sleep or are they sick to their stomach thinking about all the pain they have inflicted upon you? Do they cringe when they see you at an event or avoid you in the store? How exactly is your holding this grudge or hurt affecting others? Really, think about this; what did you come up with? I’ll bet you that it is you who are suffering. It is you who gets a headache.



Now you are probably wondering: What does this have to do with being a widow or a divorced person?  There is a distinct possibility that you are angry with your spouse for leaving you. It doesn’t matter if the person walked out the door or died. There is also the possibility that you are holding on to anger to keep yourself together, mentally. (If you aren’t angry you might fall apart being consumed by the pain.  It’s what I all a crutch emotion or avoidance emotion.) The problem with anger is that it holds you back. It keeps you from moving forward in life. This might be the point too; you might not want to move forward. It might be that you feel you are not honoring the person if you move forward or it could be a crutch you use to avoid standing on your own two feet. There are a myriad of reasons why people hold on to anger.



Anger may be appropriate initially, but once the emotion has served its purpose it is time for you to let it go. You have a life to live and the anger is keeping you from living it.  There is a wonderful technique or ritual that can be used to help rid you of anger. I will outline it below.    Sometimes you won’t know that the feelings have cleared until you see the person again. Pay attention to your feelings when you know you are going to have an encounter. See if you are feeling neutrality, love or anger. In the case of widows; pay attention to your feelings when you think of the person.



Gather pen, paper and tissues



Find a comfortable place either indoors or outside where you won’t be disturbed.



If you believe in God or Angels or Spirit Guides; call on them for help with this. Also ask for that help in writing. You will be amazed at the speediness that help will arrive.



Time limit: none – it takes as long as it takes



Sit or walk and contemplate the anger. Do you know where the anger originated? How did it develop? Thoughts and feelings will surface, so stay with it.



Write a letter to the person (it doesn’t matter if the person is deceased or living) Pour your heart out on paper; really talk about the anger and how the person hurt you. Don’t go too much into the story, but stay with the feelings and how the actions made you feel.



Keep writing – if you have to stop for 5 or 10 minutes that’s ok. But get back to it. Keep going until you get to a point of forgiveness. Write about the forgiveness, too. If you can’t forgive completely, now; that’s ok, ask yourself how much you are willing to forgive.  Remember, forgiving the other person, releases you from the pain.



Once you have finished writing – reread what you have written and make any changes you wish to make.



Take the letter to a body of water; preferably a lake or the ocean. Stand at the edge of the water and send up a prayer to whomever you believe in, to take this anger away. Say that you are releasing this issue because it no longer serves who you are now. Tear the paper up in very small pieces and put it in the water. As the paper dissolves, so does your anger.



If there isn’t a body of water near by, use fire. Go to a campground that has a grill. Do not burn this paper on your property. The reason is that every time you look at the site of the burn, the memory will return of what you did. Use a campground that you don’t visit very often. Burn the paper in the grill and send prayers up to have this anger taken away.



This ritual really does work.  Sometimes you have to do it more than once, but that’s okay. You will feel much better after you have completed it. Now you can begin to move forward in a more positive manner.



©2008 White Lotus Life Coaching - Marie A. O'Neill is the founder of White Lotus Life Coaching. Her specialty is Life Renewal for Widows and Divorcees. Want More? Click www.whitelotusspeaking.com for more stories and examples to help you move forward in your life. Are you ready for a life change click www.whitelotuslifecoaching.com  to down-load your free 5 day ‘Starting Over – Re-Creating your life after divorce or the death of a spouse” e-course?  Call or e-mail her to set up your free 20 minute coaching session. She can be reached at: [e-mail] or by phone [phone]