Beautiful, Broken

“Jane... hi. How are you doing? How are you feeling?”
Help me, I thought.
“Oh. Fine thanks. Better everyday. Thanks.”
Lies. Nothing was fine. I was definitely not better everyday. However, this wasn’t something I was going to discuss with Shelia.

I looked through the pictures today. It’s too early and I knew that. I have been thinking about the box full of pictures that I never finished putting into albums. I knew exactly where the box was and the pictures that were in it, but for some reason I was compelled to look at each and everyone. And I did. I took down the box, pulled off the lid and sat right in the closet. Each picture pinched my heart a little more than the last. I found myself looking at each photo for several minutes, analyzing the details of the day that was captured. It was like watching a car crash (I hate that metaphor). I couldn’t pull myself away.

What am I doing? I feel like I am always asking myself that these days. Help me. I am running on autopilot. Probably because I just lost my co-pilot and I am freaking the fuck out.

Not that I gave much though about how I would feel if you died before me, but I did imagine feeling differently than I do. I thought I’d be unbearably emotional and scared out of my mind. But really, all I am feeling is lost. Like I have amnesia and I have forgotten my everyday life but I’m unaware what has happened. In reality I am quite clear on what has happened. You're dead. You're gone. Forever. And I still miss you.

I have this vivid memory of us. It was in the earlier part of the Alex and Jane era. Fifth or sixth date I believe, you would know better than me. It was so hot that day! You came to pick me up at my apartment. When we got downstairs I mindlessly went to hail a cab while telling you about something funny or embarrassing, again, you would know better. You grabbed my hand and said, “not today my Jane”. I turned around to see you pointing to the bikes leaned against the wall. Biking around New York City with you was one of the greatest days of my life. Thank you, my Alex.

It was sunny with a breeze, something odd for this time of year. I know you wouldn’t have it any other way though. Anyone else would want storms rolling in, really sad and dramatic weather on their big day. You just wanted to enjoy the day. I love that. Loved that. I can’t even be as sad as I know I am today because I know you set this whole thing up for me. You made sure my hair lay perfectly today, that I was a beautifully broken as one could be. I make sure to be early because I need a few moments with you alone. I have to see you, just the two of us in the flesh one more time.


I walk in and feel immediately uneasy. Shouldn’t this place be a little more comforting? I ask someone where I can find you and am pointed in the right direction by an old man. I walk into your room and shut the door behind me. The room is small and I can see you near the back wall. I approach you and become oddly at easy. You look great. So wonderful that I smile. I reach my hand out and touch your face. It doesn’t feel like you anymore but I’m not bothered. I stroke your cheek then touch your hair. Luscious like always. Before I know it, I’m talking to you.

“Hi my darling” I say with a smile and then a tear comes. My voice cracks. “My darling. You look so handsome. More handsome than the last time I saw you. You’ve had some work done, huh? Oh, Alex. How can this be the last time I am going to really see you? How am I never going to see your face again? I don’t ever get to hear your voice again either? I can’t feel your body against mine. I can’t ever kiss you. I can’t hear you tell me you love me. Alex. Alex. Alex, I needed you my dear. I still need you. I still miss you. God, I love you.”

I grab for your hand, hoping it would feel like it always does when we hold hands. It doesn’t. I feel my heartbreak. I stare at you for a few minutes, lean down and kiss your cheek.

“Not today my Alex, but soon. Wait for me like always. I love you so so much. Forever.”

I let go of your hand and head for the door, I turn back one last time before leaving and I see you, the man I would have vowed to love for all eternity lying cold and alone in his best suit. I’m no longer beautifully broken. Now I’m just broken.