Before I Let You Go

Ding dong!

The sound of the doorbell startled Juliet. She had been sitting on her living room couch, almost in a trance. An episode of LOST had just ended in a cliffhanger and questions flooded her mind. It had only been a minute after she typed “The End” on her episode notes.

Ding dong!

There it is again, she thought. She took a deep breath and walked towards the door. She glanced through the peephole and stiffened. What is he doing here? Juliet opened the door and stood silently as she stared at her guest.

“Hi.” Her unexpected visitor looked like he did when they first met: a little awkward and shy.

“Hi,” Juliet said. She cleared her throat and stepped aside to let him in.

He stood a few feet from her with his hands in his jeans pocket. She gestured towards the couch with her left hand and he sat down. She saw him glance at the laptop and then glance at her. “Wow. I didn’t know you were this kind of a LOST fan.”

“What kind of a LOST fan?” An unbidden smile crossed her lips after she asked that question. He had known for years that she was devoted to that TV show. What, he didn’t know that note taking might be necessary in order to keep up with that show? She stood in her kitchen, staring at him as he sat on the edge of her couch. She took her eyes off him and opened her refrigerator. “Would you like something to eat or drink? I have iced tea, Pepsi, and Budweiser here. I have chips in the pantry.”

“Nah, thanks. I’m OK.” He cleared his throat. “Jules, can we talk for a minute?” He looked at her earnestly and she could see the man she loves. Loved.

She slowly walked towards her couch, as if she were unsure of what she was doing. She grabbed the remote control and turned off the TV. She then sat down and shifted a few times until she felt the least uncomfortable.

“I-I don’t know if you’ve heard of it, but...” She noticed that he looked anywhere but her. She knew what he wanted to say. Their mutual friend Rhean told her the news when they bumped into each other at Black Bond Books yesterday. But she wanted to hear it from him. “I’m getting married next week.” He looked relieved even though he still looked at anything but her. I don’t blame him, she thought.
         
“Yes, I know,” she said quietly. “Caitlin’s a lucky girl. Congratulations, Jeff.”

“Thanks.” He still could not look at her. Shortly, he took a deep breath and faced her. “Listen, I love Caitlin. I mean, I asked her to marry me because I love her.” He paused for about five seconds. “But I’ve also loved you for years.”

She was not prepared to hear those words. She had expected him to say that he loved her, but that he only loved Caitlin now. Hearing him imply that he loved two women took her breath away – quite literally. She gasped loudly and her hand instinctively went to her chest. She felt Jeff’s hand on hers and his loving, caring eyes on her. She wanted him to stop touching her and looking at her. Oh, I was doing so well... She heard him ask if she were all right. She nodded, keenly aware that Jeff could see the tears welling up.

“Why are you telling me this now? I could have gone on with my life without knowing that.”

The look that Jeff gave her made her think of a certain New Year’s Eve party. “I needed to tell you that. I needed to get it off my chest and come clean before my wedding.”

“There, you’ve said it. It’s off your chest. You two have my blessing. Now you can get married.” She tried to be tough and nonchalant, but her heart wanted her to tell him how she felt. She stayed on the couch and waited for him to thank her and leave.

“There’s something else that I need to know.” He bowed his head and held his nape. Eventually, he looked up and stared straight into her eyes. “Did you ever love me?”

How would she ever answer that one? Her heart was shouting the answer to that question, but her brain is rolling its eyes at her heart, which ignores her brain this time. “Yes, I did.” He said he wanted to come clean, so she did the same. Plus, she thought, it may be the last time we would ever speak to each other like this.

He nodded at her answer and remained silent for two minutes. “Do you still love me?”

She stared at Jeff. She had been asking herself that question since the year they repaired their friendship. Three years later, she still did not have a definite answer to that question. “Would it make a difference?”

Jeff did not answer for a few minutes. “It might.”

“I thought you loved Caitlin? You said you’re marrying her because you love her. Why would my feelings for you matter?”

To her surprise, he sidled over to her and held her hands. “Jules, I still love you. You are the love of my life!”

She managed to get her hands out of his and to cover her face. “What are you saying?” She uncovered her face and turned to face the man she loved. “You’re willing to leave your poor fiancée at the altar for me? What kind of a man are you?”

He straightened back up, and then stood up, his hand on his hips. “I am a man who’s willing to turn his back on his friends for the woman he truly loves.” He knelt down before her and reclaimed her hands. “Randy and my sister set me up with Caitlin. Yes, I fell in love with her, but you, Jules, are my one true love.” He tightened his grip on her hands.

She looked at him for a long time, searching for his heart through his beautiful eyes. Oh, Jeff, I do love you, she thought, half-hoping he’d hear it in his heart. But I can’t hurt Caitlin so I can be happy. She let the tears fall, letting Jeff brush them off her cheeks. At length, she faced him. She brought her hands to his face and looked into his eyes. “Jeff, listen to me, because I’m only going to say this once. I love you and I always will.” At this, he held her hands and kissed them. “But I can’t let you hurt Caitlin. She is the best woman for you. Randy and your sister know that.”

He held her cheeks and wiped her tears. “I can’t go on knowing that I can be with the love of my life and not be with her. If you think it’s just cold feet, I can tell you that it’s not.”

“‘Just because two people love each other, doesn’t always mean they’re supposed to be together.’” A faint smile crossed her lips. “That’s a quote from an episode of LOST, but it perfectly applies to us. We may love each other, but we’re too different. It would be difficult for us to live together if we got married.”

“You don’t want to be with me?” He gazed at her, his eyes pleading her to want to be with him.

She sniffed. “I do, but I can’t.” Her voice was even and firm, despite her tears.

Jeff looked at her as if he were searching her eyes for the truth. Eventually, he nodded. He then kissed her, tenderly, sorrowfully. He stood up and bade her goodbye. She did not have the strength to see him out and she watched as he closed the door behind him. She felt like an iron hand was squeezing her heart.

Then she broke down.