Life, yeah

I want to write sometimes. Sometimes I don't. I always think I really want to but often can't simply bring myself to do it. 20 somethings in 2010 have it bad. We all want to be part of something or do something or create something but so far we have been told the economy sucks and we watch too much tv. Well ya know what, you raised us on huge tv sets and vcrs and cable and spent every last dime of your hard earned money (for our college funds might I remind) on these mind guzzling things and now it's our fault?! I say screw that. I want to do 'something' with my life but I don't know how or where to begin or mostly why I should. I try and try to get myslef to write a little each day but ya know what? I end up watching tv, or preparing another meal out of sheer emptiness, or smoking pot, again out of sheer emptiness. But if you keep trying and trying and still end up sitting there not doing anything you have to wonder what are you trying so hard for anyway? If I truly wanted to write then my soul would force it out of me. I know I have a soul because I feel it hurt sometimes. Not doing what I love is sometimes a cause of that pain, but the problem there lies in what I love to do. And I don't know hat the hell that is. We struggle. Not like the "Oh there's a war going on and we have to ration food for our boys" or, "There's not enough oil for our oil burning lamps this month" but a stupid man-made, man-intended battle wherein eveything has been done insofar as conquering, exploring, capturing, inventing goes. Man, I should be a pirate. But seriously, where's the fun or spark in designing a new cyber chamber thrilll frill? I feel as though computers, and maybe the depths of the ocean, are the last standing places for people to explore. Native Americans knew that they were one with their environments and marched to the beat of the Earths drum. They fought for it and on it, the ate from it (like directly, not this organic but-it-grew-in-a-mill kinda way) and they explored it. But once expansionism from the east came and dominated the west the human race's exploration days were numbered. Now they're over. And we young yet rapidly aging younger set are left in the dust of all the fun that was had and are merely forced to learn about great empires and feats being fought and mountains being climbed on Google.  I wanna be the first to climb a mountain dammit!

So tonight I got high and mad at myself for being so stagnant, again. I kept thinking that I don't hate myself. People want to think the youth is full of hate with our angsty music and stupid black clothes and dark rimmed glasses that are worn for the look not the lens, but we just want to be noticed like all of the tv stars we grew up befriending and whose bios on E! and theBIOchannel we can't get enough of. Though, then we wonder why Shia Lebeouf has his story being told but I, same age if not older, do not. Well , I'm not stupid, I know its because my parents weren't fame seeking back stage abusers who wanted to make a quick buck off their kid. Of course now I'm quite sure my dad would put me in diaper commercials for some cash if I could still fit into them. But they were out there living, raising us, and working on putting a life filled with hundreds of channels together. We got the electronics handed to us and the stories of those ancient times when there were no automobiles fed to us by gramps. So after listening to how awfully tragic and exciting WWII was followed by a healthy does of MarioKart to take the edge off, what more coulod we strive for? I got my cake (powerful stories of realness) and ate it too (ability to schlep back to my bedroom and get an adrenalin rush of my own via the safe disatnce the Nintendo console kept me from Bowser). So now on the great threshold looking out at the abyss of the rest of my life I stand here in awe that a well educated, funny at times, able abodied, not unnattractive, decent person like I believe  I am can't get it togther, and that I think speaks volumes. I know I won't live at home forever, but I can't figure myself out of this damn paper bag. I alreday Mapquested the directions, but they don't have a route for this place yet. I hate computers.