Finding The Me That I Couldn't See

I’m on top of the world. I’ve been dreaming of this new start for years…away from my family and my past; where I can just begin again. This year is going to be the best one in my life and is going to mark the start of the rest of my future.

On top of it all, everything is working out exactly the way that I’ve always thought it would. I’m in a program that will fast track me into one of the top Veterinary Schools in the nation, I’m making new friends, and I’ve finally got some of the freedom I’ve craved. I go to my classes. Chemistry is my first one of the day, and I think it’ll go just fine-besides, if I have any problems, I can always just ask my dad for help. Latin is next…and Latin class is where my world changes.

I’ve been scoping out the people in each of my classes, looking for any cute guys. But the person who walks through the classroom door and catches my gaze is not a guy, but a girl. A girl that captures my attention and won’t let it go. She’s the “cool girl”. She’s got the look about her that says ‘I don’t care what people think’, and it fits her well. She’s got a shuffling step that still speaks of confidence, and a crooked smile that makes me smile back. I feel pulled to her. She sits in the empty seat next to mine and I say good morning and introduce myself. She tells me that her name is Kylie. I feel strange, I don’t know how to label how I feel. After Latin, I go about the rest of my day, finish my classes and hangout with Katie and Brandi, a couple girls that reside in my hallway. I meet Adam, he’s in my dorm, and he’s not like the boys I usually go after, but he’s country and so I-in my usual passionate way-begin to try to get his attention. I don’t think he’s all that great, but I don’t really know him yet so I can’t judge. Maybe I’m just lonely, or maybe I just want a guy to call mine. …Maybe I want to focus on a guy because I don’t want to think about how this girl, Kylie, makes me feel.

Weeks pass by. Katie, Brandi, Adam and I are hanging out every day. We go to the Rec Center to play volleyball or run on the indoor track; we stay up late and go out. Taylor-a friend from my high school-and I are hanging out and getting closer everyday and to top it off, Kylie wants to hang out with me, she even follows me back to my dorm room, kind of like a lost puppy, and falls asleep on the floor. It makes me smile. One day, she accidently leaves her hoodie in my room and though I have no idea why, I like having it close to me. We hang out more and more, day time becomes the time that I hang out with Taylor and Kylie and the evenings and nights are spent chilling with Katie and Brandi. I enjoy more and more the time I spend with Kylie, I feel as though I can really be who I am-I’m just not sure who that is yet. When I’m with Kylie, I feel special; she remembers my favorite candy and even buys me tickets to an on campus concert-Billy Currington. We meet at the fountain on the MU campus as she comes out of the school bookstore. She sits next to me and we have some time to kill before Latin. She’s got this look on her face and I know that she is up to something. She opens her bag and pulls out some graph paper. I had told her yesterday that I needed some for my economic class…it was just in passing, but she remembered, and did something about it. Next out of her bag is an energy 180 energy drink and a Payday candy bar. I get so excited because I haven’t had a Payday in a while and they are my favorite! She laughs at my reaction and I get an incredible tingly feeling in my gut. She pulls out the concert tickets and I get even more excited. We go to class and she teases me that I am taking so long to eat my Payday. I tell her that I am savoring it because I don’t get it very often and she just shakes her head and reaches into that gray bag of hers again. Out comes another Payday. It makes my day incredible. She takes little bits that I tell her and makes them important pieces of information. I think she could be the best friend that I never had, I know I already feel so connected to her.

Oddly enough, the beginning of Kylie and I starts when the bearded dragon I had bought as my dorm pet dies. Saspira had been mine for eleven amazing days. Kylie is here with me when Sas dies in my hands; she wraps me in a hug and tells me it will be ok. A guy in my dorm, Cory, takes me to the pet shop-along with Katie, Brandie and Kylie-to get my refund for Sas. While we’re there we look at all the animals and I lean back against Kylie-I want to make sure she feels included because she doesn’t really know anyone here except me and I don’t want her to feel forgotten.  At least that’s the reason I tell myself that I lean against her. I really just want to be close to her. Then more bad news-Katie and Brandi turn on me. Katie comes knocking on my door at two in the morning to tell me that I am stupid because I can’t see that she doesn’t want me around and hasn’t wanted me around since school started. That she doesn’t want me to ever talk to her again and that if I do, she’ll make sure I can’t talk again. I am shocked. I didn’t see this coming at all. We were friends…or at least I had thought we were. I don’t know what to do. I go outside on the back walk and sit and think. It is pretty much all that I can do. I go to bed and when I go to lunch with Taylor, I tell her that I can’t stay in my dorm anymore. She comforts me and I sleep in her dorm room tonight. We have a girls movie night to take my mind off of all the drama, but it can’t last because three people in one small dorm room just doesn’t work out. That’s when it happens. Kylie tells me that I can stay at her place. I go home with her and get the tour. We go to her room and I put my day bag away and settle in. I feel so comfortable here, like it’s where I belong. As time goes on, I go from asking every night if I will be staying over, to asking every week if I will be staying, then I don’t ask anymore and I just move in for the rest of the school year. Everything is perfect.

I don’t know what is going on, but I do know that I want to be around her constantly, I want to make her happy and I want to be the object of her attention. We do everything together. She even drives me to class Tuesdays and Thursdays so that I won’t have to get up so early to take the shuttle. And it is in her car that I know something is different. Out of the corner of my eye I see her. Her brown hair sticking out of the edges of her hat, the sun behind her giving her a glow…and I want to know what it would be like to kiss her. As soon as that thought crosses my mind I suppress it. Girls don’t kiss other girls, at least where I’m from they don’t. I know that there are girls who kiss girls, and I’m ok that they do…but I’m not like that…am I? I turn quickly back to face the window; I don’t want her to know what I had thought of her, I don’t want to lose my friend. I go to class and come back to the apartment. We chill and work on homework. She puts in a scary movie and we get ready for bed. We sleep in the same bed. It’s a queen bed, so there is plenty of room, and she sleeps on the left side and I on the right. There is a ‘line’ down the middle separating us-her side is always a mess and mine so neat. We watch scary movies and I always get so scared, but I still feel safe as long as she is here. One night, her arm starts hurting her, so I offer her an arm massage and for some reason I wait until she falls asleep so that I can sleep with her arm over me, so I can pretend that she is holding me. I still don’t see what my heart is trying to tell me, though.

Not until tonight, anyway. Actually, even after tonight I don’t know, but tonight is when I open up, when I take my first step. We are sitting in the living room of Kylie’s apartment, we being Kylie, Taylor, Kylie’s roommate Mary Anne and I. Kylie goes into her bedroom and I hear a loud bang. It really worries me. I like to take care of everyone, so I chalk up my wanting to look out for Kylie to that particular characteristic, but I know that it is more than that, I just can’t admit it yet. Kylie is epileptic and because of that bang, I am worried that she is having a seizure, so I go into her room to check on her. She is sitting on the edge of the bed and she looks so sad. I sit down next to her, I want to help put a smile on that beautiful face. She lays her head on my shoulder and begins to talk. She tells me, “I love you.”…I am not sure what I want to hear, but I know that I tell my friends that I love them, so I say it back to her, only to hear in response, “No. I love you…and it sucks.”

The world stops and I have to catch my breath. This is it, this is what I have been wanting and yet what I am so scared of. I don’t know what to do or what to say. She just looks at me and says, “I never make the first move. The ball’s in your court now, it’s up to you.” For a moment, we just look at each other, and then she get’s this look in her eyes. One that says “the consequences be damned”…then she leans over and kisses me full on the lips. This kiss opens my world. It is everything I have ever dreamed a kiss could be and more, it strikes me straight to my core and I want more of this feeling. I want more of her, more from her. My mind is buzzing as we go to sleep that night. In the morning, my sister picks me up for church. I’m so confused. I don’t know what is happening, or what I should do. I know I like Kylie…as much more than a friend, but I don’t know what to do about it, or if I should do anything about it. While I am mulling over the happenings of last night on the way to church with my sister, I pray God gives me a sign. And He does. The sermon today is about homosexuality. The pastor speaking says that when he started thinking about what he is going to speak on, he thought about how wrong and bad this lifestyle is. But as the sermon progresses, he explains that God spoke to him, and told him that every sin is equal, that there is no greater penalty for homosexuality than there is for greed. And this message tells me, opens my eyes, to the possibility. This could happen. Three days later Kylie asks me to be her girlfriend and I say yes. My world is completely complete.

I don’t know who to tell or how to act, this is all so new to me, and I don’t know what to do with it. I don’t even know who to talk to, to figure it out. If I tell my parents they might disown me, my friends would never understand, and I can’t go to anyone in a church-everyone knows how Christians treat girls who like girls. And that’s not something that I want to throw myself into. I don’t know what is going on in my own body, in my own mind, in my own heart, how can I expect anyone else to understand it, much less explain what is going on in a way that makes sense in my befuddled mind?

I decide that I don’t have to figure it out. I’m just going to go with the flow of things. Even though life is rough, it’s great too. On the rough side, I get a phone call telling me that my pet cockatiel that I’ve had for the last seven years has died suddenly. Then I get another phone call. My 20 year old close friend has died in an ATV accident-head injury, died en route to the hospital. My only anchor is Kylie. Everything is falling apart, and I don’t know where else to turn. But she is right there with glue and tape, and anything else I need to put my world right again. We spend all our time together. We order Chinese food, and I get two fortune cookies without fortunes. I get upset about it, but Kylie cheers me up as always. We get Jimmy John’s-the Gargantuan, no onions, extra mayo. We watch movies, go to the mall, and just be together. We fit. We lie in bed for hours, just holding each other and watching movies. Any way we lay, we fit. There are no awkward positions for us, no fidgeting, it’s perfect. Her fingers lace with mine and though we spend every moment together, there isn’t enough time in the day to hold on. Everything about her makes my heart melt. The way she walks, the way she talks, the way she sings along to her songs in her car, the way she smells, the way she smiles, especially the way she looks at me. We take care of each other. I make sure that she takes her meds, and when I come down with tonsillitis, she is right there with a wash cloth and bowl of ice to bring my fever down.

The scariest moment is when I walk into the bathroom and she is having a seizure. The seizure itself doesn’t bother me at all. All I care about is making sure that she is ok. She has managed to fall just between the sink and the toilet, on top of the cleaning kit, so she’s in a sitting position. Her breathing is sketchy; she can’t get air very well. The first thing I do is make sure that I move her from there, because if she falls to her left she will hit her head on the toilet, and if she falls to her right, she will hit her head on the sink. I pull her down, and just keep her safe until she goes limp. For the most dreadful second of my life, I think I’ve lost her. She isn’t moving, she isn’t breathing, and her eyes are rolled back in her head. Then she sucks in a breath. And I let mine go. I know that she needs to get in bed and sleep this off. So I get her into bed, and she becomes semi lucid…what she says causes a clamp on my heart: “I just want to be normal.” I tell her, right then and there, that she is normal. She is exactly who she is meant to be and that I love her for everything that she is, seizures included. Because if she wasn’t epileptic, she wouldn’t be who she is, and I love who she is. So I tell her that I love her because of her seizures, not in spite of them. I know that she is scared and vulnerable, and all I want to do is be there to hold her, for her to count on me when she feels like she can’t even count on herself.  Life continues, and every day I fall further in love with her.

At first, I am busy rationalizing everything. I tell myself that it is just Kylie. I would never be with any girl but her, she is special, different. She is all that I need. I try explaining to everyone that I am just a straight girl dating a girl. The reason that I am straight is because I don’t like girls in general, that Kylie was the only girl that I like and could ever be with-Kylie is the exception.

Valentine’s Day comes. And it’s beautiful. Kylie makes it the perfect day. She somehow found glow-in-the-dark bubble bath, combining two things I adore: glow-in-the-dark and bubbles! She draws me a bath and sets everything up. Along with that, she gets me a cloth bound book on Shakespeare love poems…because I’m the kind of nerd that likes to read Shakespeare in my free time. It doesn’t stop there, she gets me a silver fortune cookie and inside it, places fortunes that she wrote herself. Lyrics from our song, quotes we say to one another that are dorkily cheesy, but adorable at the same time. She does it so that I will always have a fortune cookie that isn’t empty. The sweetest thing that I get is a letter from her that says, to paraphrase, “today, this Valentines, is our first Valentines, but I can’t wait for all the ones to come”. I feel so loved and complete and I can’t picture a day of my life without her in it.

By this time, I’ve done more thinking on who I am. Not really by choice, more so done in response to people asking questions, but done nonetheless. Along my lines of reasoning I am bisexual, and I can admit it to myself, I just haven’t really told anyone else. I know that I am bi because I am physically attracted to Kylie. If I follow this train of thought, it means that I am attracted to the female body, which means that I like girls.

Life isn’t a bed of roses after finding Kylie, but I have Kylie, and she knows just how to make me feel better and like I am worth something. I feel that life will always be worth living as long as I can wake up next to her, that my life will be full as long as our fingers can be locked together. I want and look forward to spending everyday of the rest of my life with her. We fit together seamlessly, she is my heart and I love her more with everyday that passes. But I still can’t tell my family. I do have a plan, I am going to tell my parents about Kylie as soon as I can support myself. Kylie and I are both transferring to schools in Kansas City, which is closer to her parents’ house, and we are going to get an apartment together in the fall. I’m going to tell my parents when I am no longer dependent on them, because then if they don’t like it and withdraw financial aid, I can still take care of my life.

Then I get a phone call. I have been betrayed. A ‘friend’…my ‘best friend’ has told them, and I am now scared to go home, to leave Kylie’s side, the world is suddenly very cold and I don’t want to face it. I am sure of everything that I am doing and I know that this is who I am, but I don’t want to be a failure to my parents. I don’t want to let them down, I want to live up to the expectations that they have for me and I know that with this particular issue, I am going to more than fail them. I feel very small and I know what is coming isn’t going to be pleasant, but I also know with all my heart that Kylie is worth it. I know no matter what happens with my parents that it isn’t going to change how I feel about Kylie and that I am not going to give her up.

I get home. My dad won’t look at me. My mom has this look that says ‘how could you?’ I’ve prepared myself for this though, and I just let it roll off my mental armor. We go into the living room and we sit down. My parents start talking. My dad doesn’t say much of anything, and my mom keeps crying on and off. She tells me that I am going straight to hell because I am with a girl. She tells me that I am so selfish because all I am thinking about is myself, don’t I know that I am taking myself away from them in Heaven? It hurts, but I’ve steeled myself for this reaction. I just try to stay rational and remember that never in their darkest dreams have they ever thought that this could happen. Maybe they can get used to this idea, because I’m in love with Kylie and I’m not going to back down and give her up because of what their opinion is. I don’t know where God sits on this, but I know where I do.  I’m at home a whole week, a week of ‘talks’ and of tense, awkward silences and a week of feeling like I let them down, a whole week of them telling me that I am their daughter and they love me, but they can’t believe or understand what I am doing. I keep reminding myself that no matter what they think, I am the one who has to answer for what happens at the end of the day, I call the shots in my own life and I have to be the one to deal with the consequences. When I leave to go back to school, I cannot wait to get out of this atmosphere and back to Kylie. As I am walking out the door, my parents hand me a book: Restoring Sexual Identity, Hope for Women with Same Sex Attraction. Great, now I’m a freak with sexual identity confusion.  I just want to be who I am. I want Mom and Dad to see me for who I am instead of who they want me to be.

It is so easy to ignore the parental disapproval from nearly two hours away and the rest of my spring semester continues on. I am happy, hurt that my parents don’t understand, but Kylie does, and Kylie’s parents are happy with me, so I can keep moving forward. The school year is starting to come to a close and this is now my main source of discomfort. What am I going to do? Kylie is going back to Harrisonville for the summer and I am going to Washington. We are going to be four hours apart and it’s going to kill me. Going from spending every day and every night together to suddenly the only contact we have is texting and phone calls.

But we are in love, and no matter how hard it gets, we are going to get through this, I mean it is only three months, a little less, and then we will be in an apartment together and once we have an apartment I won’t have to go back to my parent’s again. So this is the only time that we will be forced to spend apart. We text all day everyday and we talk for at least an hour every night. I miss her so badly my heart aches and I am counting down the days until I can see her again.

She was too busy to talk tonight. Something is wrong. She hasn’t been texting me back nearly as much as she had been. Did I do something wrong?

I talk to her tonight about the distance that has been building. She tells me that she is sorry and that it is her fault. She wants me to give her a chance to prove to me how much I mean to her.

Tonight she asked me for a break. There have been a lot of rumors going around that she is cheating on me. I don’t believe them. I ask Kylie straight up, “are you cheating on me?” She answers, “No, I would never hurt you like that. I love you.” I believe her. I tell her that I can’t give her a break. I tell her that she is either with me, or we are broken up because a break is just drawing out a breakup. She says that she wants a break because she can see herself ending up with me, but that she wants a chance to make her mistakes. That she doesn’t want to look back and wonder if she missed out on something.  I feel completely caught off guard and I go into a fog.

To make a long story short, Kylie keeps me hanging on for three weeks and then breaks it off. I find out that she has been cheating on me for the past month. I am completely broken and my days begin to run together. I can barely get up the motivation and energy to get up in the morning, but I have to because my parents don’t understand the depth of this pain, because they never understood what was going on when it was happening. I tell my mom that Kylie broke up with me and she says that the relationship never should have happened in the first place. My father holds me and says that he is sorry that I am hurting. Neither one is really there for me. I am utterly alone now, and I really am.

I still move to Kansas City. I get an apartment, a studio, for myself. I take out a student loan to cover tuition because Mom and Dad have decided that they won’t pay for my tuition because of my “lifestyle choices”. I have plenty of time to think alone in my studio apartment without internet or television.  While I have this time to think I come to a life changing realization. I am a lesbian. I think that guys can be attractive, but I honestly cannot see myself with a guy. I look into my future and I see me with a girl, I don’t know who, but I know she is a she and not at all a he. So there it is, laid out for me to deal with. I am Gay. ….Now what? The moment that I say it to myself, “I am a lesbian”, I feel an immense amount of peace. I feel like I fit in my skin, I have become who I was born to be. I search and I find answers. I am a Lesbian. God made me this way, and God doesn’t make mistakes, so I am not going to Hell for being Gay. I don’t know many certainties, and the more that I live, the more I realize that I have no idea what is going on. But I do know who I am, and I am proud of who I have become. There are times that life is more difficult, the transition between being a member of the “straight” community and trying to integrate into the “LGBT” community is difficult. I know the customs in the straight group, but I don’t fit in, and I fit in in the LGBT group, but I don’t know the customs. I am coming out, for myself, to my family, immediate and extended, and to my friends.

Life isn’t about knowing all the answers; it’s about not being afraid to look for them.