Tiger Wood's Apology

February 19, 2010

As usual, the talking heads on cable and network news are dissecting every word, every intonation, and every body movement in Tiger Woods’ twelve or thirteen minute apology to... just about everybody. I am tired of them—the analysts, the creators of fictional scenarios, and the body language experts.

Most importantly, no matter how they dissect what Tiger said, no matter how much they analyze every word or try to figure out whether or not he was sincere, and no matter how many experts they bring in, Tiger put it best when he said that, for his wife, the test of his sincerity would not be what he said but rather, would be about how he conducts himself in the future. That would be the ultimate proof of success in how he is trying to change his life. The same holds true for the rest of us: time, and only time, will tell.

I was fortunate when Tiger won his first major tournament. The company for which I worked did—and still does—business with many famous golfers, celebrities, and VIPs. I had embarrassed myself when I was still new with the company by not recognizing another well-known golfer and, since he was wearing blue jeans, a tee-shirt, and tennis shoes on the casual Friday when I met him, I asked if he was coming to work for us. He was not happy!

After fumbling for an explanation—ballet and acting student; raised by a widowed mother; very limited exposure to or interest in sports of any kind; and not aware at the time of the golf mania in my own community... I can assure you that I quickly raised my ‘golf awareness’ and learned the names of all the well-known golfers on that year’s tour. And the next year’s, and actually learned to not only love golf, but still continue to watch it as time permits.

So when Tiger won that first big one, I got the inside scoop. He was asked, when he availed himself of our company’s service, what he would like for lunch. This young man who had just won a huge amount of money and had started his rise to the top... asked for a hamburger, fries, and a milk shake from his favorite fast food restaurant. Just a kid like any other—though possibly somewhat less sophisticated and/or worldly than some, at least in his culinary preferences. He could have asked for almost anything and would have gotten it. There was a purity and innocence to it that appealed to everyone who learned about his choices.

It was troubling to watch him through the ensuing years as his managers, coaches, and handlers did what they believed was necessary for his success. No more fast food, no more exuberant youth, and the end of innocence. Tiger didn’t get to that first win without a great deal of control and discipline. As he became more and more successful, I wondered about how much more controlling he appeared to have become. But on Thanksgiving night, 2009, it became clear that the control and discipline did not extend to his personal life, the part he worked hard to keep private.

I wasn’t surprised, although it wasn’t until his public apology that any of us learned he believed he didn’t have to live by the same rules the rest of us do, and that he felt entitled to enjoy the fruits of his labors without limit. He was, evidently, very much like AIG: too big to fail (or be found out!).

Why, though, are we so surprised? Look back over the years and see how many others have made public confessions of their escapades. You’ll find the religious leaders many look to for spiritual guidance; politicians at all levels; athletes in every sport; and entertainment icons in every niche of the business. The tendency to stray from decency, from the rules, contracts, vows, and oaths of office is nothing new to us.

But with each one, it seems that we are all shocked. We excuse our own similar behaviors and sometimes even get away with them for a long time because nobody other than family members and a few close friends really cares about us, our infidelities, drug use, need for power and control, or any of the other human frailties from which we all suffer.

Perhaps we believe, somewhere deep inside, that if we talk about the infidelities of others and sound indignant enough, it will distract attention from our own behaviors or allow us to, at least superficially, believe ourselves to be somehow superior to the offender. Depending on your religious beliefs, you may believe that your particular god(s) will forgive you since they know your heart and know that in your heart, you are a pure and innocent child and that one-time fling with the baby-sitter or your wife’s (or husband’s) best friend was beyond your control: he/she seduced you and you were too weak or too overcome by the moment and lost control of yourself. Not my fault! The devil made me do it.

Here are a couple of news flashes: everyone from the lowliest beggar to the most dazzling icon in today’s society is no different from you. They are not gods, even though they are superstars. I’ve heard that men think about sex every seven seconds... or maybe it’s every seven minutes... I don’t remember... and that women think about it sometimes too. Since the sexual revolution and the elimination of the shame that long ago was attached to premarital sex or pregnancy in unmarried girls and women, females are probably thinking about sex more often. It’s all around us all the time in advertising, in entertainment, and in almost every other part of our lives.

Perhaps I had a more realistic view of things from an early age. When I was twelve, I asked my mother if I could go out with a sixteen-year-old sailor I’d met. She agreed, as long as we were back before sunset. My mother believed that as long as the sun was shining, nothing bad could happen.

After having been sexually molested years before my first date, I was not particularly surprised when we made a little detour after the movie and I got my first chance to learn how to fight off the sexual advances of a male. And the sexual molestation all happened in the middle of the day when my molester’s wife was out shopping and he was alone in the house except for his two napping daughters.

I was an attractive young woman and dated frequently, but the only time I’ve ever been out with men who didn’t at least try was when I and my date were underage and the boys were smart enough to understand the consequences if I said no and they tried to force the issue. A few years later, many believed that since they had invited me out and paid for dinner or a movie, I owed them something—specifically, sex—in return. It was their due. I fended them off until I was old enough to violate the rules with a full understanding of the possible consequences.

If there is anyone reading this that doesn’t really understand the differences between male and female libidos, here’s another flash. In humans and almost every other species, it is usually the females who make the decision. In addition to the obvious differences, males take advantage (usually not consciously) of every opportunity to pass on their genes. Except in humans, males are often the most colorful and dance or sing or strut the most in order to attract the attention (and consent) of any female they happen across.

Females, on the other hand, are usually pickier. Carrying around all those potential babies takes varying amounts of time, as does raising them when they’re born. They are more likely to pick one partner that will make the effort worthwhile. So not all males get their way with every female. But human males don’t always accept that easily. One nice guy that I dated many years ago, someone I had fun with and whose company I enjoyed over dinner and a drink, accused me of being either frigid or a lesbian because he simply did not push my buttons or get me all hot and bothered—something he simply didn’t understand.

Tiger may have felt entitled to a much greater degree (and evidently found plenty of women who happily reinforced that belief for him), but it also seems to be a characteristic he shares with the majority of males on the planet.

Don’t forget that Tiger is still the greatest golf star in years, maybe ever, and has spent a lot of the fortune he has earned to help many kids achieve some measure of what he has achieved. He is a man, like any other. He is a star and an idol more than many of our idols. He is also a human being, flawed like the rest of us. When we learn about his flaws, we forget the accomplishments and how much he has done to help others.

I am not defending his infidelities. But they are certainly no worse than those of dozens of others, if you only look at celebrities, and millions of us if you look at the entire population of everyday people. We are all good at reminding each other that people in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones or quoting messages from our bibles and books, but we don’t seem to get it that when push comes to shove, none of us are without out flaws and imperfections. A great many more of us never do work up the courage to admit our shortcomings and ask for help and forgiveness.

Perhaps all who have been so critical of Tiger should take a look at their own lives, acknowledge their own mistakes, and work as hard to correct them. It’s never too late and, once you’ve done it, you will be amazed at how much better you feel about yourself, and how much better others will feel about you.

And having acknowledged your own imperfections, forgiven yourself for them, and worked hard to keep from repeating them, it will be easier to understand and forgive the transgressions of others and instead, focus on and celebrate what is good in them too.