Comedy Loves Misery - Chapter 7

Taylor's Torture - Chapter 6  (18+) And still, it continues #1645447 by audra_branson

Chapter 7

I watched as Ken, the date that would never end, sauntered to the driver’s side of the car in front of us.  Unconsciously, I was petting the black heathen cat on my lap.  When had she climbed on me?  The other driver looked about seventeen.  She was texting as Ken talked non-stop.  They assessed the damage to her bumper, exchanged numbers, and laughed at something I’m sure wasn’t funny.

“Boy, that was close,” Ken replied as he slid behind the wheel.  “If she’d called her parents I wouldn’t have been able to get out of that one.  I told her my wallet was in your purse, and explained how it had been stolen by some thug at the zoo.  So I didn’t have my driver’s license or insurance card to show her.”

“Your wallet wasn’t in my purse.”

He laughed as if I was dense.  “I know, but how else could I explain not having insurance?  I knew you’d go along with me if she questioned you.  Lucky for us, she knows nothing about cars and believed the bumper would straighten out on its own as she gained velocity driving.”

“That makes no sense.”

“Yeah, I know.”  That chuckle echoed in my ears again.  “But you just throw in a big word or two, and you have women believing everything you say.  It’s golden.  Works every time.”

“That’s pretty impressive.  After all, “velocity” is a four syllable word.”

He glanced at me while turning into oncoming traffic.  “A four what word?”

“Forget it, Ken.  We’re almost to my sister’s house.  Turn right on Walnut St. up there, and it’s the fourth house on the left.”  It wasn’t home sweet home, but at least it would be an escape from the internet date from Hades.

“Listen, baby doll.  I just want to tell you, thanks for being such a sweetie all day.”

Huh?  Was he talking to me or the cat?  Sweet is one thing I wasn’t.

“Yeah, sure.  Just help me out of the car and to the door, please.”  His delusions weren’t even worth addressing at this point.  I could almost smell the freedom and comfort my sister’s home would bring me.  Her three screaming sons would be a welcome reprieve from the drone of Ken’s voice.  My sister met us at the door, confusion registering all over her face.

“What the hell happened?”

“What the hell didn’t happen is more the question,” I answered as I moved from leaning on Ken’s shoulder to gripping hers.  Ken just stood there.  And he winked, again.  “Okay, you can go now.  I’m fine.” 

“Aren’t you going to introduce us?”  He smiled and raised an eyebrow, a look he had undoubtedly practiced in the mirror.

“I hadn’t planned on it, but what the hell.  Ken, this is my older sister, Amy.  Amy this is Ken.  Now shake hands and leave.”

Amy put out her hand, and he brought it to his lips for a kiss that lasted an eternity.  “I need to call my agent.  I think I’ve just found America’s next top model.”

Amy giggled.  I threw up in my throat a little bit.

“Well, darling, thanks for spending the day with me.  I’ll be calling you.”  He pointed his finger at me like a gun and winked one final time.  I shut the door.

“Wow, he’s pretty cute,” Amy gushed as she helped me to the couch.

“He took me to the zoo.”

“He’s charming.”

“His cat pooped on me.”

“He’s got a truck.  That’s better luck than you’ve been having.”

“He doesn’t wear underwear.”

Amy wouldn’t be fazed.  “He has teeth.  You gotta appreciate that.”

“He made me pay for the date.”

“Ha!  Well, the zoo isn’t that expensive.”

I glared at her.  “He lied about having a surprise at the pandas for me.”

“Everyone lies on the first date.  He was trying to impress you.”

“We got in a wreck on the way home, and he doesn’t even have insurance and thought I would lie for him!”

“He has good hair.”  She was not giving up, but neither was I.

“He bought me an “I love the zoo” shirt.”

“See, that’s sweet.”  She thought she’d won.

“With my money!  And then got my purse stolen.”

“That does kinda suck, but it’s not like you had a lot in there that can’t be replaced.”

“Amy, I don’t like you right now.”

She was laughing to the point of holding her stomach.  “I think he’s a keeper,” she managed to gasp out.

“Fine, you keep him.  I need a shot of tequila and about twelve hours of sleep.  Where are the boys, anyway?”

“Mom came by and got them.”  She paused trying to contain her laughter.  “She said she thought it was the perfect day to take them to the zoo.”

I let her laugh.  And laugh. . . and laugh.  The longer she laughed, the more shots of tequila I downed.  Soon I was passed out on the couch.  I dreamed of my student, Dakota, being attacked by pandas in the monkey cages.  I quite enjoyed it.

When I awoke the house was dark and peaceful.  I glanced at the clock on the cable box.  It was 2:12  a.m.  Flicking on the lamp beside me, I saw my nephews and my son sprawled out on the floor in sleeping bags, softly snoring.  It made me smile to realize that life was good.  I watched them sleep, hoping they would grow up to be men some woman would be proud to meet on the internet.  The thought reminded me to delete my profile on the dating site. 

I reached for my sister’s laptop on the table.  No time like the present.  Logging in so I could make my disappearance from the world of weirdoes that I attract electronically, I saw I had a message.

Dear Baby Doll,

I don’t know how to say this.  I’ve never had to reject someone before.  Believe me when I say I don’t want to hurt you, and I’m sure you are right for someone.  I just didn’t feel the chemistry.  You know?  You are nice and pretty enough, it’s just kinda like we’re not in the same league.  Geesh, I hope that doesn’t sound harsh.  Don’t think of it as me rejecting you; I’m just rejecting us.

Yours fondly,

Ken

P.S.  I know this will be hard for you, so I’m letting you keep Sheila as a reminder of our special time.  Wink, wink.  She’s in a cat carrier on your front porch.

“Nooooooooooooooooooooooo!”

Thankfully, the boys didn’t even stir, but my sister came running down the hall.

“What’s the matter?  Is it your ankle?”  She was tripping over legs and arms as she rushed to me.

I admit it.  I cried, a long deep shoulder shaking, rocking back and forth cry.  “I’ve been dumped by the world’s worst date.  What is wrong with me?”

“Awwww, nothing’s wrong with you.  I mean you can be a bit sarcastic and . . .”

“Rhetorical question, Amy!” I snapped between sobs.

She started pouring the shots of tequila.  “Look at it this way, you don’t have to worry about him stalking you.  You can wipe the memory of this day from your mind.”  She downed both shots.

“He left the cat on my porch.”

At that point in time, her side-splitting laughter confused and irritated me.  But as I sit here typing this with Sheila purring on my lap, I can see the comedic value my story might have for some people.  People such as myself, who can’t help but laugh when someone falls down, or when a bird flies into the window, or when a student hits himself in the head with his locker.  Perhaps my bad karma was deserved. 

I couldn’t let Ken have the last word.  I anonymously sent him a package with several pairs of underwear in it.  Hopefully, he’ll take the hint and save his next date the visual that will be forever scarred into the crevices of my brain. 

WC – 1340

Total - 6519