Still Waters

Beautiful. . .
The stars in the night sky. . .
Shining with hope. . .
Burning with beauty. . .
I wish. . .
I wish I was a star. . .

    The dark lake reflected her face dimly, illuminated by the moon. Ripples from the chilly night wind distorted it, blurring the lines and features, turning it into a blur of dull color. She stared at it intently, leaning over the dock to get closer to the smooth surface of water glowing with the colors of her face. The stars shone brightly above her in a cloudless sky and she could see them reflected in the lake as well. Abandoning her reflection, she lay back to look at them, spread out in the vast sky. Stars. . .they looked so peaceful. She closed her eyes, remembering a time when she herself felt at peace.

    They sat on this very dock, underneath the same beautiful stars. Just the two of them, sitting quietly together. Emotions sparked in the air between them as they dipped their feet in the cool water. Unspoken affection swirled around them. The two of them huddled close together in the cool summer night, enjoying the silence and calm beauty around them.

    "I like you." She finally ventured, turning to him, looking into his face. "A lot." She tried to put her feelings into better words but they fled before she could spit them out. He gently brushed her cheek, moving a strand of brunette hair, locking his blue eyes with her brown ones.

    "I like you too." He kissed her neck softly, his lips leaving an icy trail on her skin. She shivered against him, relishing the closeness. "But I don't know what to do." He sighed and turned away from her. Her body mourned the loss immediately. She wanted to cry out, tell him she didn't just like him, she loved him, she loved him so much it HURT and she longed to hold him and kiss him. She wanted to show him her heart, show him that blooming flower of love inside of her, but all she could do was cry. The pain in her heart compared to no other pain she had felt. She bit her lip hard, wishing the physical pain was enough to dull the emotional one.

    A snowflake from the present brought her back from the past. ‘The first snowflake of the season…’ She thought. The formerly clear night sky was now heavy with clouds. The beautiful stars were covered by blackness. She hugged her legs to her chest, shivering a little, still thinking back, determined to remember now rather than open the wound again later.

    The two of them sat apart this time, unable to lock eyes with one another. She hugged her knees and looked down at her toes, willing herself to be anywhere else…anywhere but here.

    "I can't be with you." His words cut through her. She knew they were coming, but that didn’t dull the pain at all. The tears that were welling in her eyes began to fall, dotting the dark wood of the dock.

    "You told me. . .you loved me. . ." She stammered out, choking back her sobs, trying to sound neutral. She didn’t want him to see her weakness.

    "I was confused." She snorted at this.

    "How could all those emotions be fake?" She cried out angrily. Tears turned her face into a watery mess. Her vision blurred, but she didn’t care. She refused to look up, refused to look him in the face. She wouldn’t let him see her like this. She forced herself to turn into steel, into stone.

    "I'm sorry but this is how I feel." He spoke it softly. She nodded knowingly to herself.

    "But. . .I love you. . ." She murmured it more to herself now, knowing that it no longer mattered what she felt in her heart, in her soul, in her entire being. Her love was one-sided, and it would never be welcome here. When she finally heard his bare feet padding away, she allowed herself to sob openly, letting the cries burst from her heart and into the air.

    More snowflakes hitting her cheeks and nose brought her once again to the present. The snow fell around her heavily now. It reminded her fleetingly of Christmas, a time of family and closeness, of love and happiness. A cold December wind blew her long hair around her body as she thought about the past and the present. She wrapped her pale arms around her legs, cringing against the cold. The past…she could never forget it, no matter how hard she tried or willed.

    Here she was, on this same old dock, months after trying to heal her broken heart. That's why she stood here on the stained, old wood, stripping off her black shirt, exposing her breasts and pale skin.

    "That's why I'm here. To stop hurting. To stop crying. I’m done crying." She spoke calmly to herself. ‘I’m not weak.’ She repeated the phrase in her mind as she removed the rest of her clothes, feeling the snowflakes melt on her pale, smooth skin. She ran a hand over her stomach, feeling the slight bulge of her womanly curves. She looked up, wishing for one last glance at the stars, but clouds still covered the horizon.

    "I still love you. That's why I can't do this anymore." Cold tears began to fall from her eyes. She shook them away angrily, trying to keep her resolve, her strength.

    "This is how it has to be. . .you were the only one there. There won’t be anyone else, and I don’t think this world is one to live in alone." She nodded to herself, reaffirming her words. She looked over the water, feeling comfort in its still surface. It looked welcoming, and enveloping, warm somehow. She had always loved the water. She couldn’t think of a better place to be.

    Snow swirled around her violently now. It looked like the start of a Nor’easter, and the snow made her feel giddy, childish. She tipped her head back and enjoyed the last snow she would ever see, feeling at one with nature, allowing the wind to soothe her and caress her. She caught snowflakes on her tongue and in her palms, tasting and smelling winter all around her.

    "Snow. . .is the tears of man. . ." She recalled, remembering the saying from somewhere. It fit this moment, and she smiled at the snow twirling down from the dark skies. Sighing deeply, she stretched her arms out, pale skin beginning to turn ruddy red in the snow and the cold. Goosebumps were standing up all over her body. She inhaled deeply, filling her lungs with cold air.

    Without looking back or hesitating, she dove gracefully into the cold lake, using her body one last time, causing ripples in the still water. The water bit into her skin, making her blood run cold. She welcomed it rushing through her body, and allowed the cold to finally reach her heart, the cause of all pain and turmoil.

    All became silent, and the water calmed again, forming once again a smooth surface of glass.

                                                      ***********************************************************************

    Her body was recovered three days later, once the Nor’easter had passed and the roads were cleared. Police found her under the freshly frozen lake, and removed her from under a thin layer of ice. Preserved by the cold, her skin was translucent and tinted a periwinkle blue. Her eyes were shut lightly, eyelashes frosted over, and her lips were cracked and blue, slightly parted. Her brown hair was frozen and stiff, sticking out from her body awkwardly.

    Emergency personnel pronounced her dead at the scene and took her body to the city morgue, where she was identified by her stoic parents. If not for her naked state, they would have speculated an accidental death, but as it was, they ruled suicide. No autopsy was needed; they left her body intact from the morgue to the funeral home. She looked like an ice queen, just sleeping quietly, dormant, not dead.

    The funeral was held soon after. It snowed heavily as a small group sat in the small church, listening to the soft organ music. There wasn’t much to be said; she was a loner, with few friends.

    He was there, sitting in the front pew, tears soaking his face as he looked around the chapel. Flowers, beautiful shades of pastel pinks, purples, and blues, surrounded her open casket. He rose and walked up to it quietly, trying to block out the heavy silence around him. She lay in a dark wood casket in her prom dress, the one she would have worn this year. It was white, with pastel purple ruffles and a single flower near her breast. Her face looked peaceful, and she looked almost alive. She looked beautiful, perhaps even more beautiful in death then in life.

    He touched her cheek gently, expecting the usual radiant warmth. It was solid and cold. Tears flowed steadily out of his eyes now, and he let out a strangled sob. He knew it really was over now…he couldn’t take it back. He couldn’t take back the words that cut her, the words he said but now wasn’t sure he meant. He knelt near her body, and whispered near her ear, hoping she could still hear him.

    "I'm sorry. . ."


Written 2003