Mr B' Gets New Teeth

Mr. B Takes a Bigger Bite of Life



By M Paul Burress



One summer, Mr. and Mrs. B were looking to hire someone part time to help with daily chores. Well, I took the job and as I went about doing the various things, we soon became good friends. I remember that was the summer Mr. B. had all his teeth pulled. After a few months Mr. B.'s gums became very tough, and he could eat almost anything and I think he would have happily continued toothless the rest of his days.

However, Mrs. B. was not as pleased with the outcome and began to chide him regularly about his personal appearance. “Good Grief,” she would say, “now that your teeth are gone, your face is caving in, and you’re starting to look awful. You have always been such a handsome man and you really do need to get some teeth.” “Well alright” he said “if that’s how you feel about it, I will.”



Now, Mr. B. was a practical man and loved a good bargain, and he was absolutely delighted when a door to door  discount denture salesman knocked at his door. {Who knew there were such people?) This man offered to make dentures for only half the price of a dentist office. The salesman said he had his equipment with him and could take the impressions right there on the spot and then send them to a laboratory where … PRESTO!, they would quickly make his teeth, and  mail them back to him.  Over the cautioning and protest of Mrs. B,who considered buying teeth in such an unorthodox manner a dangerous thing to do, but still the salesman struck a deal with Mr. B.and he bought new teeth sight unseen.



On the day the dental update arrived, Mr. B.immediately installed his bargain teeth  and went for a look in a mirror. He stared into the mirror for a while seeing his shock of black hair and his sun-darkened face and the new teeth it was giving the impression that a piano key board was standing up between his lips. He said, "I think that denture salesman must have really liked me, because it appears he has given me several more teeth than I actually need". "To tell you the truth, I have never seen anybody with this many teeth.” Mr. B. could not, by any means get his lips to close over the large teeth. He tugged on his upper lip and then his lower one hoping to stretch them a little but no luck. There he was,  looking  for all the world like he had swallowed an old Cadillac, that is, all except the grille and bumper. He had a perpetual super sized grin that he could not make go away.



Mrs. B. said, “I've been thinking, I'll bet that before your tooth man came to our door he had taken an order to make teeth for a horse, and got them mixed up with yours, It appears you have wound up with the horse's teeth”she chuckled a little as she turned away . Now Mr. B. was not a man to be trifled with or laughed at, no sir!, well now you've done it! he said stiffening his resolve  "I'll get the good out of them if it's the last thing I do." and he stubbornly wore them every day. It didn't escape his notice either that his fishing buddies had been avoiding him, probably jealous he grumbled.



One day Mrs. B. asked him, "Honey, do you mind going in another room for a little while? I don't feel very well, and I can't stand you grinning at me like that when I’m sick." Mr. B. replied sharply around his teeth and over his keyboard like grin, "Now, you don’t start picking on me too, I have a splitting headache myself!” Eventually, Mr. B. just carried his cut-rate teeth in his shirt pocket and only wore them when he had company.



It was remarkable the effect his perpetual grin had on visitors, they became very uneasy around him.. They assumed he grinned like that, because he knew some personal secret about them, and they seldom stayed more than a few minutes.



After Mr. B. died, he was buried without the dentures,  Mrs. B. decided instead to put his teeth in the top drawer of a nightstand. She said, “I just couldn’t have him goin’ off to heaven looking like that. You never know who he’s likely to meet.”



One day as I was doing the chores Mrs. B asked me to come and help her locate something she had misplaced. As I wandered about the house, looking here and there, I happened to open a nightstand drawer and there were those big teeth looking menacingly at me and I was startled for a moment. .  Suddenly I had this thought, … No doubt, somewhere in this world there is a horse (the other half of this dental mix up) and I can't help but wonder how he’s getting along.







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