Pretending

I feel like things are strained between us.
Am I imagining this, or is it real? 
What I wish I could say to you. 
I am afraid to tell you the things running around in my mind,
afraid you will not understand,
take it the wrong way,
or just simply not want to hear. 
Do you want me to leave you alone? 
Just pretend there is nothing bothering me? 
Pretend that it does not hurt deep within my soul to see you do something that you fought so hard to stop?
Pretend that your breath, your clothes, the smell upon your hands, does not sicken me?
When you come home from work at night, I try to kiss you,
I want to kiss you and the feel of your lips still sets me into the deepest desires,
but then I smell the stench,
taste the sickness of what is in your lungs and I almost gag. 
I lay awake at night when I rest in your arms,
the best place in the world, I used to say. 
Your breath rises and falls and with it comes the smell of death and destruction,
of pain and sorrow. 
I hold mine and wait to exhale when you exhale.
I cannot control you,
make you stop this destructive path you have chosen to follow.
I see the addiction on your face. 
Feel the drops of sweat as I bend to kiss you on the forehead.
I see the anger and nervousness build as you try to hide the urge. 
You are kind for not giving in while you are at home or around me. 
But you, like me, are only pretending. 
How long will this last? 
How long before the addiction gets the best of you and you bring this evil thing that has taken hold of you into our home? 
Subject your family to death, as if you are not doing it already?
How long till we stop……pretending?