Mood Swing Therapy

There was a man,
Called Boris Chow Jong Poo.
Son of a wrestler,
And a Japanese body-builder

He had mood swings
Day by day
Leaving his heart palpitating
And were to all
Especially himself,
Extremely irritating.

People talked
And discussed his case
Sotto voce murmurs in space.
Was he was a poet
And did not know it?
Others, when they saw him undressed,
Thought, aha! -
And believed they knew why he was depressed.
Other friends yet
Slapped him on the back
And said:
Boris, all you need Prozac.

But Boris had tried
Every SSRI out there;
Swam with hypnotized dolphins
And even had a session with a polar bear.
But nothing worked.

Day by day his moods swang
And nothing would save
Until,
One day,
His mother’ sister’s foster aunt’s stepson,
Had a brainwave.

‘Look Boris,’ said he.
Go to Southern California
(Use the sledge)
There, therapy is cutting edge!
They will fix you up,
I am not being funny
But make sure to take
A lot of money.

So Boris did.
He said goodbye to his friends in Idaho,
Including his favorite fried potato,
And went straight to San Diego.
He checked into a motel called
The Wisensages,
Went to his room
And straight way
Consulted the Yellow Pages.

Thousands of therapists
Were listed by threes,
With diplomas and papers
And fancy degrees.
They were all - of course - Ph.Ds.

But one stuck out:

DR.HARRISON BANN-ANNA
Mood Swing Specialist

Boris called for an appointment straight away,
But the pretty receptionist
Lying in Harrison’s arms,
Underneath Harrison’s swaying palms,
Said:
‘Dr. Bann-Anna is out all day,
But there’s a place tomorrow.
If. . . that is. . .
If you can pay?’

Then she added:
‘It will sound expensive,
This I know.
But you’ll only need one session
And then you can go.’

‘Well, how much is it?’ Boris asked speculatively.
‘$50,000,’ said Harrison’s girl, secretarily.
‘That’s a lot,’ murmured Boris.
‘No it’s not,’ said the girl.
‘Dr. Bann-Anna is the only therapist in California,
Who does mood swing therapy successfully.
There’s a money-back guarantee,
And your mood swings will stop -
Immediately.
Now I have an opening at 8 a.m.
The session lasts all day,
Lunch is included
There’s nothing more to pay.’
Then she snuggled back into Dr. Bann-Anna’s chest,
And took off his glasses,
So he’d be completely undressed.

“All right I’ll be there at eight,” said Boris
With a smile.
His mood had swang back
And he felt better than in a while.
Then he turned on HBO,
Settled on the motel bed
And said:
‘Way to go! This is better than Idaho!’
Boris then called room service
And ordered a baked potato.
It cost $2,000 plus tax.
‘Heck,’ he thought carefully,
‘Here on California, they know how to relax’

He sighed - but then,
His mood swang back again,
He called room service and cancelled
The potato.
‘Just bring me a gin-martini
With two olives well-pressed.’
Then he put down the receiver
And quickly got dressed,
Feeling terrible,
And very depressed.

What he did that night
I cannot tell.
But, trust me,
In the morning,
He looked very unwell.
Still, he ate his breakfast without any fuss
Then took his car,
And got on the bus.
The car was a model -
- A 1937 Jervis -
And he loved to play with it,
When he felt nervous.

He got to the doctors at 8 o’clock
And was greeted by Penny,
Who gave him a sock.
‘This is to store your car in,’ she said.
‘Now come with me, there’s paperwork ahead.’
In the consulting room,
Penny got in bed.
‘This is where I work from,’ she said.

"By law in California, we can work from where we feel our best.
And I am best in here, because then I can rest,
Between sessions,
Which sometimes
Require mighty exertions."



Part 2..."The Cure"

At that moment, the patio doors swung open,
And out stepped,
To a blast of trumpets,
From Disney speakers
Concealed in the shrubbery,
A tall man,
With a white beard,
Black piercing eyes,
And a crushed beer can.

I am,
He announced,
Herr Doktor Van Brunnen Reichsamann Santabann-Anna
For short, Dr. Bann-Anna.
Jawohl!
I am coming from Osterreich,
Run over by ze Nazis in ze Var.
Ven I was seven.

Have I been under
Die Freudsintitutenvereigenlagerbund studied,
Und I am ze topmost mood-sving psychiatrist
In die Vereinigten Staaten von Amerika.
Now, Boris, let me see. . .
How are ve veeling today?
‘Good,’ said Boris.
‘Ve vill zoon see about zat,’ said Doctor Bann-Anna
And grabbed Boris’ nostrils and pulled hard.
Boris yowled.
Und jetzt, how do you veel now?’ asked the doctor.
‘Not good,’ said Boris, his eyes streaming.

‘Penny! Kommit hier. Write on ze sheet, “Boris - mood swing confirmed patient.”
Alzo, Penny, go change into your svim bikini; take ze von mit ze turkvoice color.’


‘Zo, zis is vat ve are doing’ said Dr. Bann-Anna.
‘Ve are putting ze swing chair by ze pool,
And you are laying on it.
I am putting on New Aithch music, zo. . .
And you are svinging, svinging, zo…zo...zo.... gently.
You are relaxed and Penny is pushing ze sving.
Your mood is gut…yes…gut.
Zen, Penny is pushing ze chair to ze limit und
You are seeing ze pool vis your eyes;
Your mood is changing.
You are veeling vrightened;
You do not vant fall in ze pool.
But zen Penny push hard,
And you are falling in ze pool.

But, zis is very, very important…
At zis moment
You must stretch out your hand for help and grabbe
Ze top of Penny’s bustenhalter.
Zis vill snap off as you vall into the pool,
But in your mind
Mixed wiz ze fear and svinging mood
Iz ze sight ov Penny’s beautiful Bruste!
Zey vil fall out in full view
And you must shout viz joys
To see such toys.
Ze combination of zese events
Combined with elektromagnetische Wellen
Und die cold vater ov ze pool
Vill combine to cancel out ze swing.

Your mind and mood vill be at balance
And vrom now on
Never again vill you haf a sving that
You can’t control,
Because you bring Penny’s Bruste to your mind

And,
Just today ve gif for vree!
Ze Bustenhalter!
Vor a souvenir!

Yes! Jawhol! Herr Poo!
This iz vat ve are going to do.
For zis, $50,000 iz a small preis to pay,
Now, Boris, mein Freund,
Vot do you say?

“I say, okay,’’ said Boris.
The therapy went forward as planned,
And Boris even managed to get a bit more
In his hand, than the Bustenhalter.

From then on, his mood swings were cured,
For every time he felt one coming on.
He thought of Penny in her thong,
With no Bustenhalter on.
And then the wonderful cool
Of the swimming pool.

-----------------------------------------------------------
Copyright  © 2009 by Raphael. All rights reserved.