"Love" Stoy

They say you never forget your first love.  But this first love usually loves back.  The first boy I truly thought I loved was Alex Kael.  This 6’3” guy was the type that was friends with everyone, from the geeks to the popular kids.  I had known of him since I entered high school, but not until November of my freshman year did he know of me.  I was invited to a sweet sixteen and was very excited because the party was for a sophomore.  I arrived with a friend and we mingled with some friends before heading over to a group of kids in a circle playing some sort of game with a beach ball.  I joined in (unknowingly next to Alex Kael).  Being the friendly guy that he was, he turned to me and introduced himself, saying that he hadn’t seen me around school.  The junior blonde boy and I hit it off and talked for basically the whole game.  Once over, I saw him go over to group of girls and he start talking to them.  I thought to myself how I really wanted to be friends with him…like best friends. 
The next month whenever I saw Alex in the hallways he’d say hi to me but we didn’t get a chance to really talk again.  At the end of December I tried out for the school musical, Annie.  I had recently been in the fall show, and became good friends with a girl named Samantha because of it.  Once the musical rehearsals started, I hung out with Samantha and she was best friends with Alex who was also in the musical.  It worked out well because I got to hang out with Alex a lot and quickly developed a crush on him.  I was immediately so comfortable with him and we always flirted.  I thought I was special but soon saw that he flirted with a lot of girls.  I wanted to be his best friend but thought that I was probably just another random girl he flirted with.  We sat on the auditorium floor as I told him my life story and he told me his.  Wheather we were watching water flow down the aisles or laughing about our mistakes on stage, we really bonded during the musical.  I loved going to practices because I knew I’d have so much fun with Alex.  We also had a study hall together second semester along with Samantha and the three of us had fun talking and giggling about things such as McDonalds abortions and celibate lesbians instead of doing homework.  During hell week of the show, Alex was worrying about who to take to the junior prom.  I truly thought he might bring me when he asked a sophomore named Katie Roberts.  I was a little upset, but even more upset when they started dating shortly after prom.  As the show ended, I was scared that me and Alex wouldn’t talk as much and drift apart.  At the after party I told him this and he said I should do track.  I had never run track before, but jumped at the thought of spending more time with Alex.  Katie was in my math class and I hated her just because she was dating Alex.  I’d see them holding hands in the hallway and wish I was her.  One day in study hall he told me he wanted to break up with Katie and had wanted to for a while, but didn’t know how to.  I was thrilled.
Track started and I signed up for long jump and high jump as Alex told me to.  He was amazing at these two events, so he was basically my coach the whole season.  I did okay, but knew I was no track star.  One day after track, my mom wasn’t answering her phone and so I had no way to get home.  Alex offered me a ride and I quickly said yes.  The thing was, at the time I was a stupid freshman who was horrible with directions.  We got lost on the way to my house because of this, but we just laughed about it and I eventually found my way home.  During warm-up one day, I was talking about this amazing Mexican restaurant called Jalapenos.  Alex said he’d never been there and I told him we should go sometime after track.  He said, “It’s a date!” enthusiastically.  I was so excited and a few days later we went for dinner.  We laughed and flirted and had a great time.  As track ended, I was sad that I wouldn’t be seeing Alex every day anymore, but he said we’d definitely hangout during the summer.  Summer began and we started hanging out every Wednesday.  Since he had a car and I was too young to drive, he would always come over to my house.  We jumped on my trampoline, drove my four-wheeler, and watched movies.  I loved spending time with Alex and talked to him on the phone frequently.  He taught me a lot about life during this summer, but I don’t know if he ever was aware of this.
Alex started to say he was my “big brother”, but I still thought of him as more than a big brother.  I went on vacation in early August, and when I came back I went over to my friend’s house.  Her older brother asked me if Alex was dating a girl named Hannah (she had graduated from my school the previous year).  I quickly said no and dismissed the idea because he hadn’t told me anything about a girlfriend.  I continued to hang out with Alex and he told me that he didn’t believe in high school relationships.  He said that they were pointless and he didn’t want another one.  Yet, one night I got home from a movie with my friend Kassie and started talking to Alex on AIM after I saw that he was on, which was very rare.  We were talking and he said he was going to Six Flags with Hannah the next day.  Since we were on the subject, I told him I heard that was dating Hannah.  He said, “Umm…errr…I should’ve gone to bed an hour ago.”  I freaked on him, typing in all caps how he was a liar and I didn’t need to be treated like a baby I was 15 and could handle it.  The reason I was so mad was because he told me he didn’t want a high school relationship and then went out and started dating this other girl.  I thought he told me all that because he didn’t want to be with me.  After arguing for a few minutes, he started to explain how he’d only been seeing me over the summer and wanted to “test the waters” as he said.  He continued to say how he only kissed Hannah once and realized it wasn’t going to work; he only liked her as a friend.  Then he said he liked me.  I said what? Alex continued by saying how he’s had a crush on me since we met, but one of us was in a different relationship at the beginning, and then he didn’t want to ruin the friendship.  His words were, “I like you no matter what is going on in my life Lizzy”.  I was very surprised and told him how I felt too.  He told me that he only called me his “little sister” so that he would convince himself not to have feelings for me.  Then I was even more confused, because he liked me, was dating Hannah, liked her? Wanted to break up with her, so much complicated things going on.  After talking for a while I figured it out.  Alex liked me but didn’t want to date because we were best friends, and liked Hannah only as a friend and wanted to break-up with her. 
After this talk I was very happy to finally find out that Alex felt the same way about me that I felt about him.  Yet, not much changed between us.  We still hung out a lot and flirted, but we were just friends.  School started me as a sophomore and Alex’s senior year.  Alex decided to play football and he was the kicker.  After football practice Alex and I would talk on the phone almost every night about everything.  I wore his jersey to school and to the games on the days there were home games.  People in my grade would ask if we were dating, since a lot of girlfriends wore their boyfriends’ jerseys.  One morning of a home game, Alex even drove all the way to my house to pick me up and drive me to school to give me the jersey.  Things were going great and I was very happy.
In November, Footloose was playing downtown.  My mom bought two tickets and told me to invite Alex.  I was nervous that he would think it was stupid and not want to go, but to my surprise he gladly accepted and said he would take me out to dinner before.  We got all dressed up and went out.  Dinner was delicious and at the play we were practically the only teenagers.  I thought of this as a date, and thought that when he took me home maybe we would kiss goodnight.  When we got back to my house I invited him in, but there was no kiss.  I had fun anyways, and he told me that was our first date. 
Even so, we were still just friends.  In December, I was on AIM and saw in Alex’s profile that it said “Brittney Kenneth 12-2-2005”.  I was very confused and I asked Alex about it.  He said they were dating and I again flipped out at him.  For leading me on then dating this other girl and for not even telling me he was dating her.  After yelling at him, he told me it was kind of a joke.  He said that at semi his cousin was kidding around and said her good friend Brittney and Alex were dating so that his cousin would be related to Brittney.  I didn’t really understand it, but just like always with Alex, I believed him.  Our conversation led into talking about my father going into jail again, and then into sex.  Alex said how he wanted his first time to be with me.  We joked around talking about how we’d use a condom and me teaching him about how it hurts for girls the first time, random sex facts, and how we’d have to put on a scary movie so my mom wouldn’t hear the noises.  I didn’t really know if Alex was kidding around or serious.  Towards the end of the conversation I asked him, and he said he was kind of kidding but if I wanted to he was up for it.  I was excited because I really wanted to be with Alex.  We talked about how he would come over during Christmas break to “practice lines for the winter musical as he put it.
Alex came over, and after talking to my mom for a little while, we went up to my room.  I was really nervous, and Alex offered to give me a back massage.  During it, he stopped and leaned down and kissed me.  This wasn’t awkward at all because, well, nothing was ever awkward with Alex Kael.  We continued to make out and it was so different.  With this I mean that I actually felt something when I kissed Alex.  With my other two boyfriends, I just kind of got bored after a while.  Yet, with Alex I felt butterflies in my stomach and I felt loved.  All we really did was make out and talk the whole time he was over.  We agreed to take this in steps, not go right to sex.  Alex and I cuddled and then he went home.  We started to talk even more on the phone, sometimes for hours and hours.  It seemed there was always something to talk about, and I just got so happy every time I talked to him.  Thinking to back then now, I see how innocent and naive I was.  I thought Alex was this perfect boy who would never hurt me and never lie to me.  I don’t know what he was thinking this whole time, but I thought he was just perfect.  We continued to fool around and he fingered me and I gave him a hand job.  I started to question what Alex and I were, and we had multiple talks about this. They always started by me asking Alex if we were friends with benefits, or why we weren’t officially dating, ect.  Then, Alex would word things in a way that I would just stop thinking about why he didn’t want things to be official, and how only we need to define it to ourselves, not to other people.  He told me we were more than friends with benefits, because we both had feelings for each other, we were, “dating without the title”, whatever that meant.  Alex would always tell me the reason for this was to not ruin our friendship.  Yet, it still did in the end.  I’m getting ahead of myself here.  Anyways, I really like kissing and just spending time with Alex.  He told me he loved me unconditionally, no matter what happens he would always be there for me my whole life.  This was probably to most hurtful thing he could’ve ever said to me.  This is because I was only 15 and believed every word of this. 
Once Alex and I worked up to sex, we both started having doubts.  First me, but then I decided he was the right boy for my first time.  Then, Alex told me how he got inspired by a church sermon, and just wasn’t ready.  During this time the winter musical had just started and again Alex and I hung out frequently during it.  Things started to get more complicated between Alex and me, with me wanting things to be official.  We kind of got over this when one day before play practice Alex called me.  He said how he wanted to tell me something, because we had a rule that communication was the most important thing in a relationship and we should always tell each other everything no matter what.  Alex said that he had a crush on Brittney Kenneth.  I basically started crying as he continued to explain. Alex said that she had never had a boyfriend before, and he wanted to date her so that she would think boys are good or some bullshit like that.  He said he was confused and needed my advice.  I told him how I’m obviously very biased in this situation.  I tried to be strong though, and I asked if he loved her and if he loved me.  I said you need to follow your heart because that’s all that really mattered in this situation.  Alex said he loved me, and only liked her.  I told him then that’s your decision.  By this time, it was time for practice so we got off the phone and went.
At play practice, I sat next to Alex, shaking, and I talked to him about the situation.  I can’t really remember what we talked about specifically, but it ended in no solution to the problem.  The next day I was in indoor track and Alex was sitting in the hallway next to Brittney.  I decided I needed to fix this, because I couldn’t take it anymore.  At the end of practice, my heart was racing as I went into the weight room to tell Alex I needed to talk to him.  My heart was beating rapidly and I was so nervous.  Alex followed me into the side hallway.  I told him that I couldn’t handle this anymore, and he needed to pick me or Brittney.  He told me Brittney and my eyes started watering.  Alex asked if we could still be best friends, he didn’t want to lose that.  I told his he just ripped out my heart and stomped on it, and it would be a really long time before we could be friends again, and I really couldn’t even talk to him for a while.  Alex’s eyes started watering too, and we hugged and said bye.  I started to walk to the foyer were my friends were sitting and I started crying.  Bitting my lip didn’t help, I couldn’t hold back.  They hugged me and tried to comfort me.  That night there was a basketball game and I went with my friend Alexis just so that I didn’t have to sit home alone.  Alex and Brittney showed up after their play practice and I just ran out.  I went to see if my friend Griffin was at stage crew practice, and he was.  He asked me if we wanted to go get Chinese food in the village.  I said yes, and on our walk there, I explained the whole Alex situation to him.  I told Griffin how Alex told me how much he loved me and would always be there, then turned around and dated Brittney.  Griffin was very comforting and after a while took my mind off Alex, if only for a few hours.  When I opened my fortune cookie, it said that an old love will come back into my life soon.  This was very ironic because of what happened earlier that day.  What I didn’t know was that it was a different boy that would come back into my life, Josh. 
I was heartbroken about Alex for a really long time.  Brittney and Alex were both in the winter musical, which made things worse.  Seeing them kiss brought tears to my eyes.  I was happy Griffin was in the play too, so we hung out and talked a lot.  Griffin became one of my best friends during the show.  Yet, I was still not over Alex M. Kenneth.  Even worse, the choreographer made Alex put his hands on my hips and sway with me during one song.  Every time we had to practice this part I thought about all the lies and I never once even looked up at him. 
On opening night, I decided to confront Alex.  It had been one and a half months since we ended things, and I had tried multiple times to talk to him but he wouldn’t talk to me.  So, I went up to Alex when he was finally alone backstage, my heart racing.  I asked him why he wouldn’t talk to me and he said that I should just go talk to Griffin because he didn’t want to talk to me.  I asked if he wanted to be friends again because friends talked, and he said no.  I ran to the green room crying and everyone was asking if I was okay.  I was upset for the rest of the show, and vented to Griffin about the talk.  This was the final talk with Alex for a while.  After much crying alone in my room at night, I finally started to get over Alex.  I started dating Josh for the second time.  I think that one doesn’t really get over someone until they start dating someone else.  During the beginning of Josh and I’s relationship, I still thought of Alex frequently such as when we would kiss.  Yet, this started to fade to where I rarely thought of Alex. 
Life went on and in June I asked Alex to write in my yearbook.  He wrote a kind of hurtful message, yet somewhat good for closure.  Alex wrote how he was happy things went the way they did now, even though it was hard at the time.  As he went off to college, I didn’t talk to or see Alex after this day.  Josh and I were over, but I was happy being single for the time.  One day I decided to facebook message Josh asking how college was.  I got a very surprising response.  It said this:
        “hey! it is going great, and i was actually thinking about you the other day, it actually happened a couple random days that you popped into my mind, and i wanted to say i am sorry about what happened at the end of last year. the way things ended up happening after i got to college i realized that maybe what i had chosen had not been the best thing, but there is nothing i can do about that now so i just wanted to let you know that i was sorry. how is school going for you???”
         I was over Alex by now, but it was still good to hear this.  I’ve talked to Alex a few times since then, at football games at over texting.  I still think he’s a good person, just fucked up a few times, but haven’t we all? I learned a lot from this complicated thing Alex and I had.  I believe it really opened my eyes and helped me grow up a lot.  Even though we were never in an official relationship, what I learned being with Alex I have carried into my now one year long relationship.  We weren’t meant to be together, I think Alex was just meant to come into my life to teach me a lot, which he definitely did.  Everything in life happens for a reason, and looking back I am so grateful for everything Alex taught me and for being in my life when he was.