just me

PROLOGUE



When I look in the mirror, I see nobody. I’m not pretty like everyone else, I’m not smart or anything in general like everyone else. I try to love myself, I really do. But it is so hard when u live in a world where you are constantly criticised. I have tried to look in the mirror and love, not like what I see but that’s definitely impossible. Did I ever tell you I don’t even know anybody??? I’ve been home for weeks now, and yet I haven’t gone out once. Do not know any guy that can come pick me up and the only one I know, he doesn’t have time for me because I am not in the same class as other girls. Always ditching me and all, then calling later to apologise, for what? I mean I’m tired of guys calling to apologise all the time. I mean, do the right thing for God’s sake. It is so unfair. Get this; they (the guys) always tell me, I’m too good for them. Whatever the hell that means! In my world, it is just an excuse not to go out with you. Is it me? Is there something wrong with me? Because I always try to do the right thing.



Life’s full of total BS but hey, what can a nineteen year old like me do? I know I am insecure and have self esteem issues. I know all that. I’ve known that before I was born. In my family, we are above average (a little). You can say we’re comfortable. But who cares about that when you’ve got friends that have ninety to a hundred grand in their account and you’ve got four to ten in yours. You ask about my friends??? Hmm, don’t know how to categorize them. They just do their own thing. Really!!! They meet guys who buy them stuvs, take them out and all. That life sure beats mine. But here’s the thing, they have sex with these guys. Now, this may not mean anything to you, but were I come from, it’s a big deal. But, the world’s changing and so is my country’s culture on things. So some things that used to matter don’t matter at all. A friend of mine once told me, and I quote: “good girls aren’t in demand.” What does that mean? I’ll tell you what that means. It means, get with the program baby. Or you’re going to grow to be a miserable sad lonely old woman. But the truth is, this is me and this is what I believe in. I believe in my faith. It’s not like I don’t want to do these things. I do. I’m not going to be a hypocrite and deny. I’ve thought about these things and if it’ll make me happy. I do envy my friends sometimes, actually probably all the time when they talk about ish and I don’t have anything to say because I’ve got no experience. It can be hurtful, people! I like to imagine things. And God help me, it’s always negative. But hey, I’m human and I’m not an optimist. I fantasise of what I want my life to be. In this fantasy world, I’m slimmer (not like I’m huge or anything, I’m alright, I think), I’m sexier and more fashionable, I feel good in my own skin. I’ve got friends, good friends. I’m happy (which is the most important), I’m intelligent and can hold a conversation without feeling stupid, shy and nervous, and I’m successful, living the dream and the life. And before I forget, I’ve got the perfect boyfriend/ husband and I’m strong, spiritually. What else can one ask for, huh? My name is Charlotte Adams, and I hate my life.