my life....oh what a pain!

im brooke....and this is my life.

i'll start off by telling you a little about myself, and some of the challenges i face.
i am no ordinary teen. dont worry, im not about to say i have super powers (im cliniqually sane ) or anything like that. my life, its just a little out of the ordinary.
now i know most people say that, but for me, its true.
im a highschool, going threw a lot of things. i've got my friends, my family, and my dancing. seems great right? WRONG.
i'll start at the beginning.
i have my two brothers, michael, and brian.
starting off in highschool, i was best friends with this girl who lived right by me, tiffany id known her from dance and girl scouts and our moms were pretty good friends.
Going into highschool, i had never really talked to guys. i mean, i had my good guy friends, but i hadnt even had my first kiss. and tiffany had. so i made myself a promise, that i would become something and someone different.

every girl needs a best friend.
highschool was a completely different expeirce for me. i slowly began to figure out how the whole thing opperated. Tiffany and i spent every minute together. after school, during school, at dance, everything. and she became like my sister. bonded and the hip.
then, i met a boy. his name was steven. he was a sophmore. (oh my god!) i thought i was in heaven. - have you ever met someone, and not seen them as who they really were, because you liked them? this would be the case.
he was the perfect first boyfriend - just not for me.
i wanted thrilling, adventure, more importantly, danger.
which all of these, steven was not.
he was the sweet, sensitive, caring, compassionate type person.
most people reading this probably think im insane! but that just wasnt what i wanted.
tiffany and i were looking for something together though. we wanted to date best friends. because we were best friends. so all four of us could go on double dates.
so i set her up with stevens best friend, miles.
lasted about a week!
they broke up, then shortly after, steven and i went our separte ways.
for months after, he tried to get me back. but i just wasnt intrested...because i had met him.
the one .The moment i talked to him..

ever heard the saying love at first sight? yeahh what a bunch of bs i'd always think. mushy mushy people lovey dovey...so NOT my thing.
but i never understood it until i talked to christopher.
i had seen him commenting on two of my close friends walls a few times. and i thought, well if he talked to them, maybe i can talk to him too! so i messaged him. (thats a big thing these days)
a GIRL messaging a GUY. i was daring, i was insane, i was a reck!
waiting to see if he'd reply.
distracting my self. not trying to seem anxious.
then i saw the new inbox sign. and that was the first time he made my stomic flip.
he had actually messaged me back! i was in shock. i didnt know what more to do!
after exchanging a few messages, he asked who i was friends with.
being the smart girl i thought i was, i told him a few of my close friends, MAKING SURE TO MENTION THE GIRLS HE WAS WALL CHATING IT UP WITH!
ha! i thought. im in.
the next message back, made my heart sink a little.
"whoa. no shit dude?! well hook a brotha up! lmfao"
he would.
he would.
he would.
take everything i wanted. and poof! gone in a second.
oh well i thought, maybe if i talk to him a little, then i can become friends, and who knows. what was it about this boy that had me hooked?
something about him. i dont know.
anyway, i tried hooking him up. but my friends weren't intrested. and i didnt see why. but i kept at it. 
i didnt really know what to do. he was a junior! i hadn't talked to any boy juniors.
you see, my brother brian, had just graduated. and he made it big there. everyone knew his name, weither it was goood or not...it varied. but still. i was amazed that one kid could impact so many people. and for me to be related! even more insane.
all the junior guys and senior guys knew me as brian's little sister. which meant they wouldnt come near me for FOB (fear of brian! ha ha smart i know )
well anyhoo,
part of me didnt want to set up chris with anyone, i didnt know why at the time either.
it didnt seem to matter either. because he had found a girl
and i stopped talking to him. which i didnt think much of it.
because honestly, i had never even talked to this kid in person, i wasnt even sure who he was!
until one day.
i remember the VERY first time i saw him.
i didnt know what to say.
i was standing in the tech wing with my friends connor and haylie. we usually ate lunch there with a few other girls in a class room, i dont know really know why. but i always ate with them.
we were just about to leave when this kid came running into the hall, and he seemed to be drunk!
i had never been exposed to alcohol before, so i wasnt completely sure.
we just stood there,
now you see, to understand this kid a little better, he had dated a girl in my grade, stephanie. (connors best friend) so connor was aware of who this kid was, and she didnt like him. he dumped stephanie. but this was before i had ever even talked to him.
so just standing there, this kid tried to open the boys bathroom door.
"damn!" i heard him say.
then. it happened. our first words (oh my god!)
"do any of you know why its locked?!"
connor laughed. "they always lock it smart one, so people like you dont do stupid things in it"
then, we totally and completely locked eyes. but in a weird way. he looked at me like he was going to say something, almost staring me down, then didnt, but turned to connor
"fuck you" he said and walked away.
whoa! insane! how could she talk to someone like that! what was connor thinking!
boy, was i naive.
i looked at connor
"...was that chris daniels?" i said.
" oh yeah. that was chris daniels alright. god. what WAS steph thinking"
i just laughed and smiled. yeah. what was she thinking. well i could tell you. from the way he looked, she was thinking right!
skinny jeans, tshirt, long hair, gages...bad ass >The next few days...
just went by slow. nothing really happening.
i hadn't talked to chris, but i had seen him walking around with his girl on is arm.
i was so jealous. and i didnt even know the kid! horrible.
i had told tiffany all about chris, believe me, ALL about him. from the second he looked at me, to the second he left.
the weird part, she didnt seem too thrilled.
shes just jealous. i thought.
when really, from that day on, she had been right.
she told me chris was trouble. and i should stay away. and that i was too good to be getting mixed up with people like him.
that i needed to keep focused and stay where i wanna go. because my life wasnt waiting for anything. this was my life, and i needed to make sure i was in control.
blahblahblah i thought.
when really, i should of looked her right in the eye that day, and told her your right.
and forgotten about chris.
but something about him left me speachless. something about him left me always wanting more.
i had to face the facts, he had me hooked.
and i hadn't even really met him.
that night i heard the news.
chris's girlfriend, who he lost his virginity too rather fast, had cheated on him.
with one of the less actractive people in our school.
its just a matter of time before he talkes to me right?!
oh yeah. i was right.
from that moment on, i should of realized i was his rebound girl. from his girlfriend, and many more flings to come. i was chris's rebound girl. i guess it wasnt that bad right?? oh. so so wrong.

logging onto facebook a few days after chris's breakup, i saw something.
i hadn't expected anything
but when he messaged me, my stomic flipped. time two. boy this kid was good. without even trying
"yooo. whts ur number??" it read.
quickly i typed back my number, and waited.
and waited.
and waited.
and still...waited.
nothing. no message back.
oh great i thought, he hates me.
i was getting ready with my brothers girlifriend amanda. who i am practically sisters with. we were going out.
i remember the first text perfectly.
the whole scene and everything.
i was standing at my mirror, straightening my hair and doing my makeup.
amanda was sitting on my bad going threw my phone when it beeped.
i didnt think anything of it
"you have a text brooke" she said.
"from who?"
"i dont know. oh...chris daniels. what?! brooke. dont talk to him. hes bad news"
i threw my makeup down and grabbed my phone
"yooo...its chris daniels. what up."
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" i screamed.
litterally. screamed.
"holy fuck, shit you pants a little more, why dontcha" amanda laughed.
oh my god. my stomic flipped. and it flopped. and came up and down, did a little happy dance and shook. i was freaking out.
he texted me! that had to be good! oh my goodness.
i didnt know what to say! how long had it been since he texted me?
two minutes. good. i didnt want to seem to desprate, or like i was acting like i wasnt desprate by waiting. (yes, all this thought really did go into one simple hey back)
"amanda what the hell do i say back"
"fuck off loser would be good right about now" she laughed.
ha. she was no help sometimes.
i looked down at my phone. five minutes uh oh!. i was running out of time.
then i laughed at that thought.
i was running out of time? was i crazy?
what would happen if i didnt anwser in a few minutes? would my phone explode? would my heart pop? would something fall out of the sky, hitting me in the head, knocking me unconscience, sending me into a trans, leaving me unable to anwser because i waited so long??
hahaha. maybe......but probably not.
hey chris. not much. what are you up to?
there. i send it back. i felt so accomplished.
dang, i was so worn out just from one text!
BEEP.
no. it couldnt be him, could it?
i looked at my phone
NEW MESSAGE: chris daniels.
bout to go out. how was your xmas???
NO WAY!
he was actcually making conversation with me? dang. what a good day.
the rest of the night was spent with my phone in my hand, beeping every few seconds.
new message,
new message
new message


Girls just wanna have fun.
the next few days seemed to go by pretty fast. i had been talking to chris alot, and he seemed intrested!
then, when we got back to school, it was the first time of many he would do this to me.
he texted me asking about tiffany.
and if i could hook him up.
with my best friend.
who didnt like him.
atleast not for me.
but sure, why not!
so i texted tiffany, ofcourse shell talk to him. why wouldnt she. oh great.
great. great. great.
i hadn't figured out yet that this kid had a cycle. and i was about to be next.
well, while he talked to tiffany, i decided to talk to someone else.
i met this boy named andrew. yes i did alright.
and he was cute, too!
he talked to me all the time. texted me, flirted with me, sent me smiles (:
i had forgotten all about chris.
him and tiffany had still been talking,
but that didnt matter to me.
i liked this new boy, andrew!
but, something about him was different. something about him let me get close to him. and i did.
real close actually.
i remember every seventh period we would meet up and walk around together.
silently.....akwardly at times.
but it was okay.
cause he would text me telling me i looked cute that day.
so i didnt care !
i told tiffany about andrew, and she just rolled her eyes.
she was loosing track of theses boys now. but he was only the 4th guy i had liked.
(i skipped over one, just to save us some time....and some embaressment for me!)
steven, RYAN!, chris...now andrew.
i could keep them straight....so why couldnt she?!
well whatever. i thought.
her loss.
when really, it was mine.
i kept talking to andrew daily, slowly becoming more close.
and less close to chris.
until one day he texted me. after i hadnt talked to him in months.
"yo. i no i dnt talk to u too much nemore, but dnt go for andrew."
what? why would he tell me not to...
" wht r u tlking about???" i replied.
" tiff told me uve been talking to andrew. dnt do it. hes bad news and u can do soo much better."
somebody needed to explain to me what was going on! because i was completely unaware.
i decided to anwser chris
"y does it matter who i like...."
"im just looking out for you brooke."
"well chris, thank you for that. but im a big girl. i can do what i want"
"okay."
good. conversation over.
....or not


No! he didn't overdose. I swear!
yeah, bet you read that title and got hook, hmm?
i member sitting in math class.
just doodling on paper, when my teacher walked back into the classroom
"looks like were on lock down. someones sick and being taking away in the abulence. everythings fine though" she said.
oh yeah, theyre reeeeal fine if the abulence is here!
thirty minutes later we got let out of class, and i heard all the rumors going around school.
but when i heard andrews name mentioned, i stopped dead in the hall.
no....andrew? what?
i had so much running threw my head.
was he hurt? is he okay? what happened? is he alive?!
i heard from a few people that he got caught selling drugs, but that didnt explain the abulence.
when i was walking to my seventh period class, chris was waiting outside.
you see, i didnt ever talk to this kid in person.
we kind of had a texting relationship.
"you know that was your lover boy right"
"shut up chris." i replied.
" no, i swear. that was really him!"
the look on his face made me think he was kidding.
"oh my god. chris, what the fuck happened?! is he okay? how do you know it was him?! did you see it ?!" everything just came out at once.
i stopped talking when i realized i was babbling.
"he overdosed and was taken to the hospital. robitussin."
"what the fuck is that?" i asked.
"cough syrup. he drank it. and drank too much. he tried getting high off of it. dumbass" chris laughed and walked away.
no. this wasnt the andrew i knew. there was no way he would do that.
he was too good for that.
....or was he?
was everything everyone had said about him true? everything i had ignored? wow.
i was pissed.
no. i was beyond it. 
but something in me was still so worried.


when i got home the first thing i did was call his phone. yup. it was off.
damn. i thought
"hey andrew, its uhm brooke. im just calling to uhm make sure your okay and everything and uhm..yeah. just uhmm...call me when you can. bye. "
shit! i sounded soo stupid. whatever. i dont care at this point. this kids a jackass.
i sat in my room thinking of all the bad things about this kid.
when i realized....why let it bother me.
im not letting him get to me.
but i felt stupid.
and dumb for believing all the bogus things he said to me.
and shutting out everyone who tried to convince me.
and for ignoring chris.
chris.
thats right.
i forgot about him.
i pulled out my phone and texted him
"hey. is he gunna b ok??"
no anwser.
dang. did i really piss this kid off?
then i heard the framilar beep of my phone.
new message: chris daniels
something about that i loved seeing.
and i caught myself smiling
"hey ween. he'll be fine dont stress. but i told you."
ween. haha he made me laugh. what a weirdo!
"weens not a word idiot. but yes. you did. damn. im stupid sometimes"
there was something about talking to him that made me so comfortable.
i felt like i had known him for years just talking to him.
"nah. ur not stupid...cute, but not stupid"
whoa. stop the presses! did he just call me cute?
uh oh. here goes the stomic again. backflip into my chest, heart beat, face blush, smile form, yup. thats what this kid did to me....just by saying cute.
"hahaha funny one. you're insane" i replied
"nah. i swear. like i was looking at you, your reeeeallly pretty brooke. and like idk. but...do you think youd ever go for a guy like me??"
i was at a loss for words. except one that came to mind....
"uh...tiffany?"
" i wanted to get close to u."
oh jeez. was he really saying this?
this conversation carried on for a few more hours.
in the end, i ended up "together" with chris daniels.
how?! i dont even know.
but something crushed my little happy dance.
his name was andrew.


Back to the basics
andrew called me a few weeks later.
he was fine.
but we were done.
he didnt seem into it any more, and i wasnt either.
but i kept talking to him. all the time.
every night he would call me and we would talk on the phone until two A.M sometimes.
he became my best friend. my everything. the one that was there for me. the one i could talk to.
and he needed me too.
with everything he was going threw.
i was there for him threw everything.
it was nice having him.
and talking to him.
boy, could that kid make me laugh.
i would wake up my intire house sometimes just laughing on the phone with him.
and yet somehow, threw all of those late night phone calls, threw the serious talks, and the funny jokes. threw the gossip, and the questions. between the details about my life, and his. we never ran out of things to say.
sometimes, even know, i always wonder what would of happened if i hadn't started likeing chris. i if i had stayed with andrew. my best friend. who i have such good chemistry with. but, its better left as friends until we were both sure.
i made the mistake of going after one problem at a time...christopher.
him and i suddenly became very close with andrew out of the picture.
from the time i woke up, i would have a goodmorning babe text from him.
he was the first guy to call me babe. to call me baby. to call me beautiful and make me feel like i was worth everything in the world.
i told him all my secrets.
and he told me his.
we were talking twenty four/ seven.
and i loved it. every single second if it.
i became so close i knew everything about him. and he knew everything about me.
we talked about things i never pictured myself telling people.
between my parents, and the things ive gone threw in my life.
between his life, and his struggles.
he became my other half.
i couldnt go a day...no an hour, without talking to him.
he was the strongest person i knew.
and i began to fall for him more and more every single day.
every word he said reeled me in even more.
i loved his life.
i loved his personality.
everything.
until one day, it came to a screeching hult.
"yoo, ive been thinking. and i think u and i r better off good friends like we were before. like best friends."
i wanted to throw up.
i wanted to scream. and run away. and everything else possible.
i hadn't even offically been dating him, but i had become so close to him, it seemed like it was.
....i hadnt even kissed him.
"uhm....ok. i guess if thats what you want."
thats all i could come up with to say.
from that day on, NOTHING, was the same.
we didn't talk for a few weeks after that.
but then something made him text me.
and i had forgotten about the butterflys in my stomic. but he made me remember them.
something about him got me hooked. and i just couldnt let go.
but i also knew this wasnt the end.
and dang, was i right.



live, and let live. learn, and let go.
everyones always told me, becareful what you wish forr! donttt go aroundddd breakinggg young girlllls hearrtttts.
just kiddingg.
but seriously
everyones always told me, stick to being you. dont change for anyone else.
and i never learned what that meant until i got to highschool.
meeting chris, i witnessed someone i cared about, doing drugs, smoking, and drinking. basically throwing away everything they had.
and i didnt see the point.
but then, then i became friends with someone.
named stephanie.
yes, chris's ex.
she was in one of my classes and i started talking to her.
and we became really close friends.
then...i slept over her house.
this was the first time i had smoked pot.
i didnt know what to do even.
she pulled a can out from her bed.
my heart beat.
should i do it?
is it as bad as everyone says?
but. i did. i smoked it.
and it was a new expeirence.
it was the start of something,
but the end of a few other things.
i told tiffany all about how i smoked.
and she did NOT like that.
i started hanging out more and more with stephanie.
and less and less with tiffany.
i started drinking with stephanie.
i started going to parties.
i saw chris with girls who partied.
i thought, if he likes girls like that, then i want to be that girl.
it wasnt me.
it wasnt who i was.
and i was unhappy.
and everyone could see it.
but i felt like nobody could.
i told andrew everything of course.
he lectured me about how i was too good,
everything i had once lectured chris about.
i didnt know where i was going.
and i didnt know it would cause so much to happen.


over the next few months, 
my school grades dropped.
and i became soo less into dance
and just focused on wanting chris.
and wanting to be with him.
him and i got 'together' and he ended it a few more times.
and i still hadnt even kissed him!
insane, i know.
but i tried to do something else.
another way to get his attention.
every third period, my friend emma and i would go down to see chris at his class.
and one say, chris's friend shaun, came out.
i started talking to him and he seemed nice.
even better, a senior!
i felt weird talking to a senior being just a freshman. but i didnt care.
ofcourse, chris warned me that shaun was a flirt, and would just try to get with me, but i didnt care. chris had his chances, he couldnt be jealous now.
i talked to shaun more and more.
then one day during school, he texted me and wanted to walk around.
and we did.
then when i was about to leave, he kissed me.
when i got back to yearbook, i litterally was going crazy!
i felt like i was the happiest ever. (cloud ninein as my friend rissy would say )
i texted chris, i texted tiffany, i called andrew.
they all didnt like it.
but i didnt care.
i was too happy to care.

for the next few days, shaun and i met up alot. and we kissed every single time.
buthen on the weekend, i went to my dance compition with tiffany.
where shaun was texting tiffany, asking her if he should ask me out.
that night he called and asked me out.
that night i found out he was texting another girl trying to hook up with her.
i should of stopped him there. but i didnt.
i gave him a chance. i thought he would change.
he stopped talking to her, but obivously not every girl. but im not the jealous type, so i didnt care. i talked to alot of guys, he could talk to girls.

but one day, things went too far.
shaun and i fought alot.
and i mean alot. i dont think we could ever make it threw one day of talking, or talking on the phone for twenty minutes without fighting. or one of us hanging up.
it started out like any other fight.
we were texting.
then, he called me. which he usually didnt when we fought.
"where are you brooke?" he asked.
" ummm...im at my house. why?"
" ill be there in five."
i was freaking out!
why would he be here in five?!
i waited for a text and ten minutes later i got a text saying come out.
now, he knew my mom didnt know about him, or my brothers, or any family member. so he was smart to not pull in the driveway.
it was just me and brian home, and he was too preoccupied with his xbox to suspect anything.
"im going running brian, ill be back in a little" i shouted into the other room
"uuhahhhh" he grunted back, which i think meant yes.
or why the fuck would i care.
each were approriate coming from him.

so i walked outside and across the law,
and i saw shauns car.
i opened the door and got in.
he started to drive.
my stomic flipped.....but not in a good way. at all
i had been there five second and i knew something wasnt right.
he was still mad at me.
we talked quietly about a few things.
and fought some more.
i held back tears from some of the things he said to me.
they were mean.
he was mean.
he pulled off of my street, and onto the dead end street near.
nobody lived on this street. i knew something wasnt right.
he stopped his car and looked at me, smiled, and gave me a kiss.
"im sorry he said."
i just nodded my head.
he grabbed my chin and looked me in the eyes.
"did you hear me? im sorry"
i pushed his hands away.
" i heard you the first time shaun."
"you know what brooke? fine. for get you. fuck you. you can walk home"
i laughed my bitchy laugh and opened the car door.
i would easily walk home then sit in the car with him.
it wasnt right. i knew it.
he grabbed my arm and pulled me back and kissed me.
but it wasnt his soft kiss it usually was.
he looked at me again.
"dont leave baby, i was just kidding. please? stay?"
i closed the door.
damn. what the hell was i thinking?
he kept kissing me.
he kept looking at me.
he kept starring at me.
he kept moving his hand.
it wasnt right.
chris flashed into my head.
chris wasnt mean.
chris was nice.
chris.....ended things with me.
i kept kissing shaun.
suddenly i felt shauns hand move down.
my first instinct was to grab it and move it , and i did.
he stopped kissing me and looked at me.
"whats wrong with you?"
i rolled my eyes.
"nothing. i just dont want to do anything with you."
:okay babe, dont worry about it" he said sweetly.
and i felt a little better.
but i shouldnt have.
he did it again. except this time, i couldnt push his hand away.
i let it go.
i figured id be away from him soon.
he grabbed my hand.
and put it down his pants.
you've got to be kidding me. i thought.
no.
im not doing this.
i cant.
i dont want to.
"shaun."
"shaun."
"shaun, stop."
i grabbed his arm and pulled it away from me.
he kept kissing me.
he didnt get it.
i pushed him off of me.
litterally pushed him and he hit his head on the seat.
"what the fuck brooke?" he said rubbing his head.
"take. me. home."
"what? why?"
"take me home shaun. or im fucking walking."
he knew i wasnt kidding.
as he started the car, i was discusted with him.
i couldnt even look at him.
how could he do that.
why would he do that.
why would i let myself think he cared about me.
why would i beleive him when i he told me he was falling in love with me.
why was i so stupid.
bullshit.
all bullshit.
on the ride home i was silent.
"are you seriously mad at me babe?" he asked, trying to be cute and hold my hand.
i ripped it away from his grip. ive had enough of him touching me, i wasnt about to have anymore.
i didnt say one word.
he pulled up next to my neighbors mailbox.
yes. hes close enough. i laughed a little.
"what?" he said.
"nothing. bye shaun"
as i stepped out of the car, i pushed the door open so hard, that it hit the mail box, denting it.
yes. i was so proud of myself. i slammed the door shut and looked at his face.
he was pissed.
oh golly jee. i dented his pretty little shit hole of a car. ha.
i walked away laughing.
that will teach you.

walking into my house, i wondered how long i had been gone, or if my mom was home yet.
brian was still playing xbox. what i surpise.
"im home" i shouted.
"ughhhahh" i think that meant ok?
i walked upstairs to my room and sat on my bed.
my phone was still sitting on my dresser where i had left it.
3 new messages
chris daniels: yoooo.
chris daniels: yoooo.
shaun: im sorry if you didnt wanna do anything baby.
i started crying.
i cried so hard.
i threw my phone at my wall, hoping to split it in two, but it didnt.
i just kept crying.
how could i have believe him?
why didnt i listen to anyone.
im so stupid.
i grabbed my phone and texted chris.
"chris....i need you. "
instently i got a text back
"what happened?!"
i told him everything. i didnt know what else to do.
"dont worry. ill take care of it."
for some reason, i felt safe with chris. like he could always make everything better.
like he would take care of everything, make all of my mistakes go away, and make everything better.
he texted shaun. he yelled at him, and threatened to beat the shit out of him. he stuck up for me, and stood by me. even though i didnt believe him about shaun. even though i was stupid about him. and everything that happened.
it wasnt all shauns fault that day though.
i shouldnt have gone.
and i cant blame it all on him.
i just have to learn from it.
and learn whos really there for me.
meaning chris.


Carnival time!
theres that saying.
it goes something like, people don't remember things for no reason.
well let me tell you, this is the one thing i can and will always remember.
clearly.
and perfectly.
everything had been going good. i had been getting back into the swing of things.
dance was good, my friends were good, me and tiffany were good.
i stopped talking to shaun. which was one thing i was VERY happy about.
but some part of me still cared about chris,
and i knew he did too.
every year my town had a carnival.
it was kinda boring, not many rides, not much space.
but every teen in the whole town would stop by.
i convinced tiffany to go with me after dance.
we walked into the carnival and the first person i saw was jake.
jake and i were really good friends, he was andrews best friend.
me, him and tiffany started talking with jake and his friend jeff.
then jake pulled me aside.
"just letting you know brooke, chris is reallyyyyy drunk. like incredibly drunk. he's starting fights with people and shit."
oh great. i thought
"just....you know, stay away from him. itll be fine"
from the look on my face jake could tell i wasnt to happy bout that.
the next few hours was spent with all of my friends, and chris's friends too.
but i had a good time.
until, chris decided to have a litttlee chat with me.
i was standing with a few of my friends just talking, when i felt someone grab my arm and turn me around.
there i was.
face to face.
with.
chris.
i wasn't even that close to him and his breath reeked of ciggarettes and alcohol.
realllll attractive, right?
"come talk to me for a sec." he said
i turned around to see tiff and all my other friends silentely mouthing 'dont go'.
but me being the idiot i am went anyway.
we walked only a little further away from my group of friends, far enough away that they couldn't hear, but close enough they could see and walk by.
"hey." he smiled.
"....hi."
oh he wasnt getting a smile out of me this time.
the one thing i hated more then anything, was when chris drinks.
hes not the chris i know.
hes different.
and i dont like it.
"whats wrong?" he asked.
i rolled my eyes, " drunk much?"
"brooke im not even really drunk!!"
i had to laugh at that one, considering the fact he was almost falling over right infront of my face.
wasnt drunk my ass.
i didnt have anything left to say to this kid.
i was just about to walk away when he grabbed me by the waist....
.....and kissed me.
he litterally kissed me.
i could her tiff and everyone.
i could feel them starring at me.
i didnt care. i didnt care at all.
he pulled away and looked at me.
then smiled.
something wasn't right though.
maybe it was because our first kiss....
he was drunk.
he started holding both of my hands and smiled.
"well im glad that finally happened"
i laughed.
even though it wasnt what i had expected, i was too.
"brooke."
"what?"
" will you be my girlfriend?"
holy poop.
holy holy poop.
all praise the freaking holy poop!
youve got to be kidding me.
my stomic flipped.
did he really just say that?
did that really just happen?
maybe i should just be quiet and act like nothing happened.
"is that a yes?" he prompted.
"no."
DID I JUST SAY NO????
"no. chris. your drunk right now. and you don't know what your saying. your gunna regret this tomorrow."
"bullshit!" he shouted. damn. he was getting pissed.
"i wont regret this brooke! im not drunk. i know what im saying. i swear."
then he kissed me again.
when he pulled away i just looked down at the ground.
why couldnt he do this sober?
" do you want to just anwser me tomorrow about it?"
"if you remember." i said.
"i will." he promised.
then kissed me again and walked away.
i looked up to see all my friends starring at me.
and behind them, was jake.
he raised his arms and mouth what the fuck?!
turned around. and walked away.

the rest of the night, was drama.
the rest of the night, i wish had never happened.
i felt amazing right after it.
i thought i could finally be with him.
bull shit.
nothing was ever that simple with this kid.
i was standing with tiffany, and a few friends of chris's.
after talking to them for a little while, chris's friend kyle, told me to go find chris.
that he was pissed and shit.
so i went over to him. and he was basically lying down passed out.
i talked to him for about two seconds, then he said he had to go find his ride.
when me and tiffany were leaving,
i got checked my phone
new message: chris daniels
that kiss didn't feel right, did it?
we should just stay friends.

you've got to be shitting me i thought.
this had happened probably two times before this.
when we tried to have something, and he ended it.
in a way, i kind of expected it.
but that didnt make it hurt any less.
i spent the rest of the night, crying, listening to tiffany text him on my phone.
and telling me he wasn't worth my tears.
but i thought he was.
he told me he saw his ex, brianne, at the carnival.
and seeing her, made him miss her. and he didnt wanna lead me on.
what a bunch of bullshit was all i could think of.


the next morning i woke up, and started texting him right away.
just what i had expected.
he didnt remember
anything.
us kissing.
him asking me out
him ending it.
well this is both good and bad, i thought.
maybe he still wanted to be with me.
nope. course not.
he remembered seeing brianne.

over the next few days, stupid shit happened.
we didnt talk much.
he didnt talk to brianne.
but he slowly remembered us kissing.
or he said he did.
probably just to make me feel better.
whatever.
i told myself this was going to be the last time i went back to him.
i promised myself.

regret, is something we all have.
mistakes, are something we all make.

the next few months ill skip. nothing good happened anyway
now, on to summer.
school had just let out, and i was ready to have a good summer.
i was with my friends all time time,
going to bonfires, partys, everything.

one night i was at stephanies.
and i was texting chris,
i decided to be daring
do you still like me.
i texted me
why? he anwsered
just tell me.
yes. i do.

then. we were together.
just like that.
i had forgotten my promises
and every time he hurt me.
i gave him yet another change.
stupid,stupid,stupid.
at first, things seem to be different.
things were good for a while.

one weekend.
the best weekend.
i was in vermont with tiffany, her dad, and her dads girlfriend.
i was texting chris.
and we were still 'together'
this was the first time in soo long me and him were happy together.
really happy.
i remember sitting in the car, taking pictures of random things, in such a good mood
new message: chris daniels
idk. ive been thinking and i love you brooke
my heart stopped.
i felt like i was going to throw up.
but in the best way.
i started smiling soo big.
did he mean it?
really...? i texted back.
we talked for hours after that.
i knew he meant it.
i knew he was serious.
and more importantly, i knew i was in love with him too.
i love you too chris.
i was sooo happyy. the whole weekend was amazing.
i was with my best friend,
i was in love with chris
he loved me too.
nothing could get better.
new message: chris daniels
well like idk. ive been in love with you for so long. and i know your in vermont this weekend,
but i dont want to wait. i dont want to ask you out in a text because thats dumb. but i dont want to wait. so can we be considered offically dating, and i promise to do something for you when you come back?
quoting my friend rissy..."i was cloud ninein"
i was in the best mood possible.
everything was amazing.
when tiffany and i got back from vermont, she came over my house the next day.
and so did chris, and his best friend brandon.
this was the first time my mom met chris.
she already knew brandon.

somehow, chris ended throwing me in the pool.
tiffany kept going inside and wasnt really helping me. she wasnt too into brandon.
brandon walked around to the back side of the house to get something.
and me and chris were sitting by the side of the pool.
i wasnt in a good mood.
and he knew it.
he kissed me and looked at me
"be my girlfriend?" he said
i didnt know what to say. i wasnt sure for some reason.
so i kissed him so i wouldnt have to anwser.
he asked me again.
i kissed him again and looked for brandon.

later that day, when brandon and chris were going to leave soon, chris and i walked outside.
i know chris thought i was being weird. cause i hadnt really said much the whole day. and i wouldnt look him right in the eye.
i dont know why i was even doing that.
something about him.
like made me nervous.
and when i was nervous, i acted mad.
even now, chris always thinks i was always mad at him. which i regret because i never was.
but anyway.
we were sitting on my driveway, and i could tell brandon and tiff were watching us from the driveway.
we were acting fine.
and he asked me again, to be his girlfriend.
except this time, i said yes.


things were good for months after.
the first few weeks, we figured out everything, and then it was good.
we were always texting, always hanging out, always getting closer.
he became my boyfriend, my best friend, and the person who knew most about me.
probably more then i knew about myself.
i know people always say that, but with him, it was true.
things changed for me that summer though.
i started hanging out with different people, people who smoked and drank constently.
and one night, i threw away everything i had spent a year trying to get.
i spent a year in love with chris.
i didnt know one mistake could change everything.
it was the night of these two kids sweet 16/18 party.
i was with a few of my friends.
and we drank before.
alot.
and i was drunk.
really drunk.
i got to the party, and saw andrew, for the first time in so long.
i drank with him there too.
then, i started dancing with guys.
i didnt know what was going on even.
i dont really remember that night.
i just remember making the mistake.
of cheating on chris.
his name was bobby.
i had talked to him once or twice before online, but that was it
and we started dancing.
and we kept dancing all night.
then he kissed me.
i dont remember it.
i dont know what i was thinking.
but i dont think i was thinking.
or else i wouldnt have.
i was drunk.
it meant nothing.
i was in love with chris.
i didnt know bobby.
so many thoughts raced threw my head.
i couldnt even stand.
bobby litterally kept me from falling.
i wish it was different that night.
but i cant change it.
chris didnt have his phone. so i had to wait around all the next day for him to call me
i felt discuting.
i felt slutty
i felt stupid,
everything bad.
i felt sick to my stomic.
i wanted to throw up.
i wanted to go back
i wanted to changed it.
but i couldnt.
i went running all day long.
i needed to get my mind off of it. but i couldnt.
he meant everything to me, and i didnt want to lose him.
i went to my friend erins house.
starring at my phone.
every time it beep, my stomic flipped because i thought it was him.
i dont cry alot. but i cry over him.
finally, that night i got a text.
i guess he got his phone back
new message: chris daniels
hey.
i didnt know what to say. i didnt want to tell him in a text
call me.
i replied.
five minutes later he called me.
"hey" he said. he seemed sad.
"hey. can i talk to you?"
"if its about last night...i already know."
my heart dropped.
"what? you know what?"
"i know you hooked up with bobby. i know you cheated on me. i turned on my phone and had a bunch of texts saying brooke was all over bobby last night."
i didnt know what to say.
or do.
i just cried.
"its ok." he said. " im not mad"
" your not?!" i asked.
"no. well i mean im not happy about it. but im in love with you. so its ok."
we talked a little more and hung up.
i knew he wasnt ok
i knew it wasnt ok
chris texted bobby.
screaming at him.
yelling at him.
everything.
then he texted me.
telling me he couldnt be with me.
i cried.
i cried.
i kept crying.
how would i just throw everything away??
i didnt know what to do.
the next few hours were spent trying to figure things out.
i wanted to be with him so bad.
he called me at like one in the morning.
me and erin were watching a movie.
he told me he loved me. and couldnt not be with me
and that hes been sick to his stomic all day
and that when he read the text from someone he couldnt
believe it.
i started crying and gave the phone to erin.
she told him to call me later.
we worked things out a few days later,
but nothing was ever the same.
for either of us.
i knew he didnt trust me.
he knew he felt differently.
he told me bobby made him think differently about the girl he loved.
i felt like shit.

then one day, he texted me telling him what happened.
one of his ex friends and him got in a huge fight.
his friend, john, told him hed go for any fat slut if it meant he could get action.
chris's friend, mike, agreed.
i became bulimic that night.
i regret it.
i wish i hadnt.
i didnt know it would start so much
and because of someone else
i couldnt believe it.
but i did.
i threw up daily.
all the time
constently.
my thoughts were consumed by me making myself into someone i wasnt

school started again.
and he re asked me out on the first day
and it was fine.
or so it seemed
i was with him that whole day
then went over his house that night
we almost had sex.
we tried.
he dumped me the next day.
i almost lost my virginity.
had it worked, i would have.
and he dumped me the next day.
i felt discusting.
in him.
and me.
i became even more bulimic.

one day, my mom heard me
and confronted me.
from then on, things went down hill.
TOO BE CONTINUED.......