First Da Month

First Da Month


His name was Earnest Hubert Jackson. He started school as Hubbie but that only lasted a little while. By the time he entered St. Martins, he was EJ. His Mama wasn't too thrilled; Hubbie was her daddy's name. But she wasn't going to school so EJ it was.

He managed to do well enough to get a partial scholarship. He remembers that Graduation Sunday at Lexington Baptist Church, standing at the altar. Pastor Owens reading his name with the other scholarship winners-looking at Mama and Pop right up in front crying. The first time he'd seen Pop cry. That Sunday seemed so long ago. today was today. No time for reminiscing. "Come on. Ain't you ready yet?"
"No, I just gotta get the baby dressed. Be down in a minute."

"Shit." EJ rummaged through a drawer in the tiny kitchen "Anything ," he mumbled to himself. He knew he shouldn't be smoking bad for the baby the clinic doctor said.
Right now he didn't give a shit. "Hell," he reasoned, "I don't do drugs don't even drink enough to mention, I gotta have something to get me through this."
At last he found a half smoked butt he had hidden there. He went to the stove to light it..
"Well at least the gas is still on," He inhaled deeply and walked to the back porch. A part of the ceiling was falling down, boxes and bags were everywhere. "Damned hell hole, got no business with a baby up in here." He watched the smoke drift over what they use to be..

She trapped him and he knew it. However he didn't come to this knowledge till it was too late.
"State's only a three hour bus ride I'll even send you the ticket soon as I find a job," he lied. Deacon Miller had already found him a job to help with books. EJ was suppose to leave early to get started. "I'll be home just as much as I can. Vacation's, weekends. It ain't like I'm going to the other side of the moon." Another lie. With the job, classes, he planned to carry a full schedule and trying out for football, EJ wasn't going to have a minute to spare which suited him just fine. He needed to get away. Too many of his running buddies were dying, getting arrested or taking jobs they hated to pay for babies they didn't want. He had no intention of fitting into any of those categories. He should have known by the way she didn't look at him the whole time he was explaining. She just sat there playing with a blade of grass. He brought her out to Carrington Park cause it's were the white folks lived. They'd been out there once, some picnic . She couldn't stop talking about how clean and fresh everything looked and smelled. He thought telling her out here would make it easier. He was wrong. "You can't go EJ.. You have to stay here and help me take care of the baby."
He just sat there, staring at her, trying to figure out when. They had been careful, or so he thought. Then he remembered.
"Don't worry, I'm on the pill," she lied.
He wanted to ask her for how long. Instead he said nothing.
"You keeping it?"
"Of course," her answer came too quickly.
"You thought about how?"
"You not planning on helping it's yours. You trying' to say it ain't?" She was getting angry and starting to cry.
" I just wanna know if you thought about how and everything. Now he realized that she only thought about one thing-how to get him and keep him in this dead end town. There was so much more to say-he just figured there'd be time.
"You ready yet?" He called to her.
"Yeah, we're ready."
"We've already missed the first bus, that place will be like a zoo." He walked passed them without looking, grabbed the second hand stroller and went downstairs.
"You coulda waited on us," she said when she finally caught him.
"Where do ya think I'm going? Bus stop's right around the corner-just come on."


Pop tired to tell him he didn't have to marry her. EJ remembered that conversation like it was yesterday. He had never seen Pop so angry.

"If you have sex and do not prevent your sperm from swimming up stream-that is called conception!"
EJ tried to be calm, tried to retain some dignity. "Pop, this just sorta happened."
"Sex don't just happen. It is the absence of thought that causes shit to happen . Natural disasters maybe...but you consciously decided to sleep with that girl without birth control. People start using their brains before they start using their private parts-wouldn't have half this shit.
"We weren't" EJs' voice trailed off, lost in Pops rage.
"Damend right you weren't . You were humping like a coupla of wild dogs."
"We just got caught up... you know, passion."
"Boy please! Only thing you got caught up in was that girl. Don't talk to me about no passion. Passion wasn't no where in the bed. Just the two of you. What happened boy? Get all hot? "
"Herb please! People can hear you." Mama pleaded from her corner of silence.
"People! Ain't no people up in here. Just me and my son trying to have a conversation. People ought to be minding' they own business."
"Could you at least keep it down?" another plea from the neutral zone.
"Hell no! Ask this one about keeping' shit down!" Pop pointed an enraged finger towards EJ.
"What do you want me to do? Congratulate him?" Pop continued his tirade. "Hallelujah you about to bring another welfare baby in the world. Another baby having a baby. Another soon to be wanna be illiterate burden to an already overtaxed system. Good going boy. You've upheld another Caucasian contrived myth. That black men think with their dicks. That you've fallen in the trap, blown a chance to rise above our limited expectations-past some secret passage to manhood." Pop rambled on while EJ stared off into space, every now and then catching a glimpse of Mama watching him. Mama knew. She could always see his heart. She knew EJ was afraid for his baby. She knew her baby had been trapped.
"Pop it ain't gotta be like all that. Nobody said nothing 'bout no welfare. We both got jobs."

"Part time tearing tickets and popping corn isn't going to cut it." Mama offered her opinion. "You have no idea what it's going to cost. The way you can't hold on to money-the days of your money all yours, are over. It will break your heart the first time you spend all your money on your child. Neither one of you has thought about it. She'll have to deliver at General. Something tax paying responsible adults will absorb. Having a baby isn't like having a tooth pulled. She's young-her body isn't ready for the war it's about to endure. Do you think she'll be able to stand on her feet all day hanging up clothes or ringing on the register eight months pregnant? You have any idea how much extra weight that is?" Mama was on a roll.
"No, but...." EJ tried.
"But nothing. Skinny little thing will loose her mind first time a labor pain hits her. Neither one of you has a clue."
"Mama, I'll be with her. I'm gonna do what's right.
"Like what boy?" Pop asked. "You surely ain't thinking 'bout marrying' her?
"We talking' 'bout it right now. We think that's the best way to go."
"Go where? And is that you thinking' or your dick again?" Pop still hadn't calmed down. "What are you getting' married on? You win Lotto or something'? Where you coming up with money for an apartment, furniture, utilities, or doctors?"
"It's what we want, we're in love."
"Love hell, lust is more like it. Think you relieved some tension? Fuck, you in for a lifetime of it-you don't know that girl above the waist. Neither one of you can spell compromise nor sacrifice. You think fuckin' feels good, so good it makes you think you in love. You gonna still wanna fuck her when you ain't had no sleep, don't know how you gonna pay rent or where your next meal is coming from? You gonna be able to put diapers on your baby's ass before you put a new pair of jeans on yours? You think you a man now? Cause you made a baby? You up here in my house- eating my food. Ain't paying for a damn thing. Now, since you put your dick up in some girl you wanna get married-is that it?" Pop stood there, just staring at someone who use to be his son.

Remembering that conversation, EJ fumed inside. They waited in silence. She tried to get him again. Mentioning under her breath how much more they could get if there was a second baby. Or how nice it would be if Tanisha had a little brother or sister. Most of the time he'd ignore her stupid little hints, but sometimes he got close to hitting her- and he was afraid.
"We need to stop by Springfield's while we're downtown. Candy says they've got lots of new clothes in- I wanna put some on layaway."
"With what? You see all these bills? This is what we gotta do while we're down here. This and putting food on the table till next month. You need to stop hanging around that crazy bitch and pay attention to what's going on in your own world. That's if you can keep up." He hated yelling and cursing at her in public, especially in front of the baby. He hated making fun of her. Somehow she had taken his choices too. "You hear me?" He seem to glare through her.
"Yeah," she half answered.
He left it at that. He was too tired to deal with it anymore. Seemed like these days he did all the yelling, all the trying to keep them together. It was like she was playing house. He wanted to tell her just how real everything was.
The number 52 Downtown arrived just in time.

EJ stared out the window, saying nothing, not even playing with Tanisha-something he usually did on the ride. He looked past his reflection, trying to catch a glimpse of who he use to be.

He found himself drifting back to that day in Mama and Pop's kitchen. That conversation where he fought desperately to deny the truth.

"Come on, we can make it. Doesn't all have to do with money."
"You right, Flo, tell him how much love he'll need to see, to keep his dumb ass out the rain. How much love do you think you'll need to get that baby in this world? You gonna walk in that hospital and tell them 'were in love?' And they gonna say: 'Oh sure.' And stamp your account paid? Is that it boy?"
"Pop, I'm just trying to be responsible, that's all.
"Being responsible started before you unzipped your pants."
"Do you have any idea how much diapers cost, clothes, formula, doctors visits? Do you have any money saved?" Mama, always the voice of reason and calm. "For first and last months rent? Deposits on utilities?"
"Well, no, not yet, but..."
"Boy, ain't no buts. You gonna be married with a baby on the way. Your days for not yet is over. That baby will need things now, not when you get ready."
"Her folks are gonna help out."
"You living with them? Cause I ain't having no screaming babies up here. You gonna pay rent there. Is that who's pushing for marriage? Cause that girl don't know who her daddy is? You trying to put yourself through hell for a last name?" Pop, always hitting it right on the head.
"No!"
"Do you love her?" The question EJ did not want to hear.
"Yes."
"Why?"
"What?"
"Too hard for you? I said, why do you love her?"
"I don't know- why does any body love somebody else- you just do." For the moment Pop left it at that. Neither one of them pushed. Somehow it didn't need to be said.

State office was crowded already. Eleven o'clock Friday morning first of the month.
"Damn!" He thought, pushing his way through the mass of people trying to get off the bus too. "Come on!" He yelled over his shoulder. She was always lagging behind.
They finally made it off and got across the street. He found an empty bench, got a number and took a seat.
"I've gotta go pay some of these. You stay right here. I should be back by the time they get to you." He hated talking to her like a child but... He reached in his pocket, "here's some money for a soda. Remember, stay in the building." He got up to leave, looking back over his shoulder he watched them. Tanisha, innocent and unaware, Tonya pretending to be.

He headed out into the Friday morning hustle, the heat already rising. Leaving them alone was probably not a good idea, she tried to sell their of stamps once before, claimed she was only trying to make some extra money. It never dawned on her that they would have nothing to eat either. He couldn't keep this up for much longer. Always covering for her. Making out things were much better than they were. It was getting hard to tell where the lie ended and he began.
He headed down 10th street, towards the gas company. Watching the brothers hanging around the liquor stores dotting the decaying sidewalks, waiting for something- anything else to happen. He dashed in the first one on the corner. As if his quickness would keep him from becoming what he didn't want.
He made it back to them just in time. They were silent on the ride back home where they were met by the gas man. He stood there, clipboard and disconnect notice in hand, while EJ fished through his pockets for the receipt.
"OK buddy," the gas man said, climbing back into his truck and driving away.
Tonya and EJ exchanged exasperated looks and went upstairs.

There was time enough before work, for EJ to pick up that conversation.

"There you go again. Bull shit! I love your Mama 'cause she brings out the best in me. Cools me off when I need it. I ain't just talkin' 'bout in the bed. I got kind of a bad temper. And she makes a mean sweet potato pie. You getting the picture boy? Sex ain't the only thing, love ain't the only thing and money ain't the only thing. It takes all that and more to make a marriage work- lots of hard work. You gonna have your hands full just raising that baby. Why go adding more to your plate? Boy, you ain't gonna have time."
"You talked about being responsible. Talk to your manager about getting more hours. Summer vacation's almost here. You could work full time, save some money." Mama offered.
"Yeah, I guess so." EJ whispered.
"You guess? What's not to know? You'll need every dime for that baby-you could look into a second job too. What about school? You are planning on finishing aren't you?" Pop's anger never let up. EJ knew these were questions that needed to be asked, he just hadn't had the time nor the heart.
"I haven't thought about it, I mean I know I'll have to get a better job. Just might not be time for school. Tonya's gonna have to quit work soon and..."
"And what? Her people putting her out? Is she finishing school? Exactly what are you two gonna do?"
"We're getting married, get jobs and raise our baby." EJ tried to stand firm. That moment seemed like a lifetime ago. Well, in a way, it was. Tanisha. She changed everything. EJ had been content to let Tonya do all the raising, since she didn't seem to be to interested in much else, while he concentrated on earning the money. But once he saw Tonya with their daughter he knew he would have a struggle on his hands.

Tanisha was fast asleep. Tonya put her in bed and EJ sat down on the tattered used sofa and lit a cigarette.
"You ain't suppose to be doing that in here."
He paid no attention to her.
"You remember what the doctor said."
"Shut up," he said, getting more comfortable on the sofa.
"Don't talk to me like that. It's bad for the baby.
"She ain't in here right now. Fuck it!" He jumped up and slammed down the stairs.
Outside, he finished the cigarette. Angrily he watched customers file into Charlene's Beauty Shop. The only reason they move upstairs-Tonya was suppose to help out. She ain't done a thing yet. He glanced at his watch, nearly 2:00p.m. He still had to go to work and get groceries. With him the only one working you would think she could manage to go shopping. But, if he left anything up to her, they would all starve. He flicked the butt across the street, stormed back upstairs to find Tonya sitting there, flicking through the channels.
He went to the back and grabbed the shopping cart, his uniform and headed back downstairs.
"Where do you think you're going?"
"Where the fuck do it look like I'm going. Can you tell time? Somebody's gotta work around here. I'll bring back food when I'm off." He turned to leave again before this whole thing exploded with the truth. He didn't want his daughter to know her own mother didn't give a damn about her. That the only reason she existed was to keep him in town.
"Don't start no shit with me. I was just asking. What we suppose to do about food till you get back. Ain't nothing in here."
"Plenty of something in here. Just stuff you don't wanna be bothered with. Go down and ask Charlene to feed your ass then. Just be sure you feed my baby. Don't let me come home and find her screaming cause she hungry."
"I know how to take care of my baby. Don't tell me how to take care of my baby. I feed my baby damnit. You don't know what the hell you be talking about."
She hadn't even moved from the sofa. Never even look at him either, just sat there staring and screaming. It hadn't dawned on either of them that Tanisha was wide awake and crying.
"Shit!" He dropped the cart and his uniform and went back to take care of his baby.
"Come on sweetheart. Daddy's sorry, he didn't mean to scare you." EJ cuddled and rocked his daughter. "Come on, let's get you changed." He shuffled through the clutter and found the last diaper and what he hoped were clean clothes. In the midst of his fury, he glanced at the alarm clock- 2:30 p.m. He'd never make it to work on time now. Not by bus anyway, maybe Pop could give him a ride. Yeah. He'd just go over, drop off the baby, that way she'd get taken care of and Pop could take him on into work. Lord knows he couldn't afford to miss work.
"There you go baby girl, all clean and dry." EJ picked her up and fished around for the diaper bag. He'd have to pick up some more-then hunted for more clean clothes. Disgusted, he went in to her.
"Any of this shit clean?" He asked, pointing to the pile on a chair.
"Yeah." She looked at him for the first time. "Where the hell you going with my baby?"
"Out."
"Like hell! You ain't taking my baby outta here."
"Try and stop me." EJ grabbed a handful of clothes and pushed his way past her.
"Don't you take my baby outta this house. You hear me boy?!"
EJ didn't say a word. One word just wouldn't do-kept quiet and headed for the stairs. Before he knew it, her hands were grabbing Tanisha's feet. The baby squeaked and giggled.
"Girl, what the fuck do you think you're doing? Trying to make me drop this baby? Go sit back down and go back to your little world." He threw everything in the shopping cart, grabbed his uniform and walked down the stairs. He forgot all about the second hand stroller.

It was five minutes to three when he finally got to work. Fortunately, Mama didn't ask too many questions. She just took the baby. It's not like this was the first time.
It was going to be a busy night. EJ had wanted to keep his mind clear. Try to free it from all distractions. He hated bringing his home to the job. Things were getting too hard. Used to be a time when then job was more of a chore than it was worth, these days, it was an escape. Before the start of the 5:00 p.m. Twilight Matinee, his mind drifted back to his brave beginnings.

They hadn't been too thrilled with his bravely announced plans.
"Sounds like it's all planned out. Why bother telling us?"
"Just thought you'd like to know, that's all."
"You sure this is what you want to do? You thought through the whole thing?" Mama asked as soon as there was a break in Pop's storm.
"That's that. How much do you two need? Her people ain't got no money." Pop didn't let up.
"It's not all about money Pop. Don't you get it?"
"No goddamnit! The only thing I get is a grand child. I know she don't know who her daddy is- all her sisters got babies, on welfare, no man. She don't want that. She wants a man for her baby, a daddy, no matter what. You man enough to carry all that. Think you ready-waiting all day at the clinic for shots or any time your baby is sick. Can't feed your baby till first da month when the check comes in- waiting round the post office trying to figure out who gets paid this month- who don't-you ready for it boy?
"It won't be like all that. I'm gonna get a good job, find a nice place-we won't be on welfare.
"Boy, stop dreaming. Stop all this talk 'bout getting married. Just shut up and try and answer the question I asked you earlier."
"What?"
"Why do you love her?"
"I told you, I just do."
"That ain't it. Go on boy, when you start thinking like a man, come on back."

Days passed, quickly blending into weeks then months. Flo and Herb watched EJ and Tonya marry at City Hall on a sweltering August afternoon. Tonya insisted on a white sun dress despite her protruding belly.
They tried to be happy for them. Sipping watered down ice tea, picking through warmed over mostaccioli and greasy hot wings. Sitting in the back of an non-air conditioned rented hall-clear on the other side of town. They wanted to be happy. To not think about the struggle their son was about to endure. They watched their son and his bride dance their first dance through a veil of tears to a scratched "I'll Be There." It was hard..
Occasionally pushing falling white crepe paper away, they looked at the small gathering. Mostly her people, so proud, laughing, tossing around small talk along with stale chips.
Flo had to leave several times, no longer able to hold her grief. She took refuge in the ladies room. Everyone tired hard to ignore her red swollen eyes, tried harder to include her in their meaningless conversations and vain attempts at rejoicing.
Herb passed on the customary toast. Things needed to be said between father and son would remain unsaid.
They left early. Slowly easing out the back door, across a beer can riddled parking lot to their car. They drove home in twilight quietly back across town-home to more things unspoken.

Tanisha was born early in the morning on the coldest day of December.
Flo went out and brought two boxes of diapers and two cases of formula. She put on a big pink ribbon and left them at the front door of their three room apartment.

Flo tried to go to the hospital. Actually she did, all the way to the maternity floor even made a stop at the gift shop for a pink balloon and a card-but couldn't go in. Flo just left the things at the nurses' station, they would know.
Despite her efforts not to, Flo fell in love with Tanisha the first time she dared to see her. She was tiny and had trouble gaining weight, fussy and difficult to soothe; yet Flo always found a way.
"Grandma's baby, is so sweet. Come on pudding, let's get comfortable." Flo hated her name. They could have told them they were naming her some thing so off. Slowly, even Herb grew into his role of Grandfather.
Tanisha always had a new outfit, a new toy here and there.
EJ was finding his road a little more rocky.
Tonya stayed too long at that so wonderful stage. She wasn't use to anything new and thought that thrown together wedding was the greatest thing ever. She took more time going through Tanisha's new clothes than she did with her daughter.
"She's playing house," EJ complained on those rare occasions when he spoke to his father about much of anything besides the weather.
He tried. Really. The weight of all that swirled around him slowed his steps. Suddenly thrown from adolescence across the chasm to adulthood, was a leap not to be taken lightly.
He worked hard. Two jobs he hated. The old car he had saved for finally gave up. He took the bus back and forth. While Tonya stayed in their cluttered three room apartment, playing house.
None of her sisters had their own places. None of them had their baby's father in their lives. Tonya felt special. EJ didn't pressure her to work. Even though Mama said, reluctantly, she'd keep Tanisha.

Tonya didn't share EJ's stress. She believed all was well-enjoyed their paycheck to paycheck existence.
EJ felt isolated. He and Pop only talked around what was real.. EJ had so much. Somedays, he couldn't even recognize his own reflection-piece by piece, he was disappearing.
"You can come home," Mama told him when she dared give voice to the unspoken.
"Then what?"
"We'd help you take care of your daughter."
"Leave Tonya? Just take Tanisha?"
"Yes."
"She wouldn't let me. There'd be a fight. Something that would cost a lot of money."
"She wouldn't know what hit her. She isn't taking care of that baby, the apartment nor you. Anybody can see that. Wouldn't cost all that much-nothing we couldn't handle."
"Can I think on it? I mean it's not as if I don't love her."
"You don't know about love-didn't give yourself time. The first girl that let you in her pants."
"Mama." Sometimes, she surprised him. Of course he knew, despite how hard he and Pop tried to keep it from her, Tanisha was all that was between them now-perhaps even then. No, he told himself, relaxing at the kitchen table; it felt good to be home. It felt safe, he felt safe. For a moment he let the peace drift towards him through the steam of Mama's coffee.