I'm a Big Girl Now

I’m a big girl now. By that I don’t mean age, I mean girth. It’s a genetic predisposition: eating too much. I can’t control it, so I haven’t let it bother me.

Something happened last week that was the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me. I now realize I should go on a diet.

I went to the Ciniplex to see a movie, what movie isn’t important. About half-way through I had to use the Ladies. I found an empty stall and sat down. This was one of those new-fangled Ladies Room toilets with a molded-in seat and a high-pressure flushing system. Everything went fine until I twisted around and pushed the button to flush. Unfortunately, high pressure equals high-suction. It’s basic physics. When I flushed I was, well, sucked tight against the commode. I was stuck. Nothing I could do would release me. So I tried flushing again. Big mistake. It made it worse.

Long story short, I was rescued. It took two hours and they finally had to smash the toilet. The manager, a nice girl, pointed to a sign on the inside of the door: “Please stand before flushing.”

They’re making the signs bigger.