Two Weeks

It’s been so long since I have written anything I wouldn’t know where to start.  Sadly, my life has become something disappointing.  I could feel it all starting to unravel shortly after taking this great job that provided my family the economic stability to keep going which was something that had plagued us for a while and kept me up worrying most nights. 

Today I woke up and just couldn’t concentrate on things as usual.  Something was really eating me up inside and I knew I had to figure it out before I really just gave up yet again.  But the flip side to the coin is the fact that for about two weeks, it seems as if fate played some sick joke on me and threw a real wrench in my business as usual act.  It just keeps coming up again and again so I knew it was finally time to just face it before it got the best of me and I would once again, just settle for second best.

Two weeks ago I went to Detroit and had a truly great time.  I had this conversation that was amazing with a couple of really neat people who I work with.  It was something that struck me as one of the things I have really lacked so much of at home for as long as I can remember and that I started to really think it was something I needed a lot more of than I was getting.  So I started thinking about all the things that I wanted out of my life and how I was going to get them.

I spent a long time talking and listening to someone named Deepak tell me things like, “your husband must really want to hang on to you” and “someone as smart as you should be an MBA and working on wall street”.  Which both of these are pretty funny considering Deepak is probably one of the smartest and most sought after men I have ever met.  I can honestly say the closeness was truly a blessing for me and the compliments went a long way to make me feel somewhat desired again.  I haven’t heard those things in such a long time and I guess I really don’t feel very good about myself.  It was nice but also short lived as my husband came the next day and I found myself feeling very bitter and embarrassed by the way he acted. 

But I continued to go through the motions and make the best of it.  I did so well.  There was a little flap though because since my husband really doesn’t care what I do and would rather not be too involved with me sexually, I had decided to find a male companion who could fill this void that I thought was a sexual thing.  So some guy named Will comes into the picture.

First of all, I blew him off.  I told him to call on a specific night and then wasn’t able to answer.  I didn’t really think much of it at the time, but I did feel bad.  It was a no strings attached deal however so it was a fleeting bad feeling.  But it kind of gnawed at me as did the loneliness and just this strong desire for someone to want me because they were attracted to me.  Having them be nice to me was an added bonus.

So I wrote Will and told him I was sorry.  It was kind of a screwed up trip in Detroit too so I really wasn’t lying.  I asked him to call me again and I really hoped he would.  To my surprise, he did call me and was really, really nice.  He had a great voice that was more seductive and at the same time genuine than anything I have ever heard.  I had a nice conversation and realized I probably had a thing or two in common with him and made plans to get together in the next week.  Seemed harmless enough.

The next week went by and it was long and boring.  No conversation other than with my two close co-workers who are like night and day.  One of them is the eternal optimist and thinks that all marriages should be fairy tales and that people are always good.  It is something I admire about him and it makes me smile even though I know he grew up in the projects and I know his first marriage failed sadly.  But he is my reminder that there are good things in this world and that believing in the idea that things can work out for the best and people will still be happy is possible. 

My other great friend at work is somewhat jaded and cynical about others.  He told me from the first trip to Detroit that he had never had a female friend that he hadn’t slept with.  I told him I would never sleep with him but I would always be his friend.  To this day, he is like my big brother and we take care of each other like family.  I know there is nothing I can’t tell him.  He did say that he did NOT like the way my husband talked to me and that if he couldn’t man up and respect and make love to me like a man should, then maybe I should make some hard decisions.  I didn’t want to hear it but he did ramble on about it for over an hour on the way home which made me want to strangle him.  I knew he meant well and just let him say it all anyways even though I wasn’t listening.  He said me not staying inside my marriage for companionship was emasculating for my husband that he was just going along with it because I was being selfish and my husband was lazy because he wouldn’t at least try to please me.

So we will get back to Will which I am sure you have figured out by now is a real factor to the whole story.  I did meet Will finally but it almost seemed an impossible task.  I was kind of surprised I hung in there because it was definitely something he seemed hesitant about.  So after an hour in Borders trying to figure out which magazines to get about fixing up my god-forsaken This Old House project I call the “Scary House”, I left to go to Will’s.  I knew he lived with family and figured out he probably wasn’t thrilled with bringing strange women from the internet there.  But I did get there and pulled in the drive and almost pulled back out.  What the hell was I thinking???  How did I know this guy wasn’t some serial killer or better yet some asshole who would rape me and beat me up???  But you know what they say about curiosity and the cat.  Or the one about lonely married women who can’t seem to stay home.  It doesn’t really matter why I stayed but the fact that I stayed.

When I first saw him, I immediately blushed and wasn’t sure what to say.  I was having a hard time looking at him first of all because I was pretty sure he was way out of my league.  He was gorgeous and soft spoken and I will have to say looks really great in his clothes which I wanted him to stay in.  I was scared to death all of a sudden and pretty sure I would get rejected and that he wouldn’t find me very attractive so I just put the sex thing out of my mind which was probably a good thing. 

So Will and I took my car and went to get coffee.  We actually just kind of drove around for a while and chatted about things.  It was easy to talk to him and I didn’t feel like we didn’t have things to talk about.  There was this moment when went to get gas and I was blown away at how well-mannered and polite he was.  He opened every door for me and even pumped my gas.  I got a little choked up about it.  When I looked at him, I had to look away which I still can honestly say, I don’t think I could look at him in the face because I am really afraid for some reason. 

He was impressive in other ways too.  We talked about dogs which are definitely the love of my life.  Will talked about his work, his family, his son and I began to realize he was far more intelligent than most people.  He seemed to tell me things so easily about his life and things that made him sad.  I talked too but I don’t think I was able to say what I should have talked about.  I am far to guarded for that.  Being hesitant was also something I really noticed about Will too.  I wasn’t sure what it was, but he held off any hope of long-term commitment and any feelings other than sexually for any woman.  He seemed to be alone and I guessed he wanted and chose it that way for a reason.  It kept me focused on the fact that I was just here for a no-strings thing.  I was pretty sure there would be no “thing” either at the end of the night anyways. 

I was really enjoying the conversation and I sat on my couch and was glad Will was on his couch.  I became rather fixated however on something Will said about not paying his taxes and got really concerned.  So after talking about it for a while, I was pretty sure I would have to go home and think about a way he could avoid going to jail.  I knew he was way to nice and kind to go to jail let alone have anything bad happen to him if I could help.  I also knew how much he loved his son.  I saw how his eyes lit up when he told me how happy he would be if he chose to live with him someday. 

Now that’s the funny part for me.  Seeing his eyes light up that way about living with his son made me suddenly so sad I almost cried.  Not because of Will, but because I suddenly knew what I had lost and where I had gone wrong in my life.  My daughters moved out this June.  Their big reasons were they hated my husband, hated the scary house, and I made them do work.  I gave up on them and signed over the two things in my life that I nearly died giving birth to literally, and nearly died keep them safe all these years whether it be from their own father, or from working myself to death to make ends meet.  But at this very moment, I wondered if it was just me and I wasn’t married any more that they would come and stay with me.  I think I forgot that I needed to do things with just each of them.  I suddenly felt that I forgotten a lot of things about what makes me happy and whole.

So the night was wonderful but I knew I had to come home.  Will was getting tired and I needed to get back.  I really just wanted to chalk it up to some good conversation like it was with Deepak and think what a great guy Will was.  Sounds reasonable right?  Of course I must be a total moron because when he went to hug me I didn’t see anything coming.  The next thing I remember was him kissing me and holding me.  It didn’t feel bad either.  It wasn’t rushed or pushy just nice.  Soft and slow.  My head was starting to pound and I just kept kissing him for what seems like hours and hours now.  Our hands were kind of going all over just as slowly and I was starting to really get dizzy.  I remember him leaning me up against my car and just thinking I was in big trouble.  Then his hand went down my pants and I was pretty sure I was going to lose it. 

No one ever felt me that way and made it feel so good.  I just remember hanging on to his arm thinking I would never be the same again.  No one ever was that kind to me and most importantly, it was the most amazing feeling to be wanted again yet still respected.  I never wanted to stop but at the same time, I did.  I had to think about it.  All of it and I was the one acting impulsive with Will and he was so cool and collected.  For someone who I met on Craigslist and was supposed to be just fun times, it was getting complicated.  But I felt good.  Really good and I will say it one more time really wanted.  I forgot how good that made me feel.  I didn’t have to beg for affection.  I didn’t have to ask for a special “toy” or wear some crazy outfit.  I didn’t have to cry myself to sleep either.  I just felt nice. 

The drive home was quiet and easy.  I came home and it was status quo as usual.  My husband was waiting up complaining anyways.  Nothing nice to say and sullen.  I tried to talk about what he was doing and was trying to be nice as usual to no avail.  Did he know I was meeting Will?  No.  He asked me not to throw it in his face so he knows nothing of Will.  I will keep it that way.  So I laid on the chair and fell asleep.  I was still throbbing thinking of the way Will touched me and woke up several times thinking about him finishing what he started.  My god it was so good.

Saturday I woke up early since I was still very worked up and wrote Will and told him that exactly.  I really thought a lot about things too from the aspect that I had to do something different that day.  And every day after that.  So I worked out, ate well, took a nap, worked on my house for several hours and spent time with my beloved dogs.  I came home feeling refreshed and truly happy for me.  It was a great day. 

Sunday is another story.  I just couldn’t shake this nagging feeling.  I was irritated and distracted.  I couldn’t get this tax thing of Will’s off my mind and of course, decided to put my nose somewhere it doesn’t belong.  So I started digging about taxes first and then looked up Will’s basic information from my “agent” perspective.  It was the first article in the newspaper that I took notice of.  Just a blurb about him getting pulled over for expired plates in Medina while they went over and got someone else for some random gunfire.  But what struck me as a cop was that they were sure to include Will’s name in the article and that they didn’t let him get away with expired plates. 

So I snooped some more and checked the court records.  The second sentence brought tears to my eyes.  Credit for jail time already served 72 days.  I just kept reading and crying.  It wasn’t just one thing, but four.  Before this, he was also sentenced for failure to pay support and served in both Belmont and Lorain Correctional Centers for which I know both are really awful places.  Short stints, but any time behind bars is truly horrible and changes someone.  Who was Jessica and some child named Andrew?  I knew about his son but who are these other people? 

Will told me about some woman he lived with for a short time whom I assume is Jessica.  She definitely doesn’t seem wrapped too tight from the court records anyways.  Will said she stole about $1600 from him and took a bunch of his personal effects.  Since I am trained in forensics I just sat there and cried and cried.  I really didn’t know what to do.  First of all, I should have never looked his information up without asking.  I should have just trusted him enough to leave it alone and tell me what he wanted me to know.  I didn’t understand how someone so kind and someone I liked so much could have all this bad stuff following him around.  I knew all too well it was probably the same reason he stayed guarded and alone.  I have a pretty good judge of character and one thing was how concerned he got tell me about his taxes and I sensed he was really nervous about jail.  I guess I could see why.

All I knew is that Will was in more trouble than I thought.  He is not the first person on the other side of the law I have ever been involved with.  I dated someone for a few months that did NOT end well.  I even told Will about it and now I feel like a total jerk for saying it.  They are two different people though and Will’s problems are mild in comparison to Nate’s.  Still I say the wrong things and open my big mouth and say stupid things and so I am really regretting bringing that to our conversation Friday night.

I really had to stop crying at this point.  I also had to figure out why I was crying in the first place.  So I just wrote Will this email that told him how much I wanted to help him without anything in return.  I really needed him to take me up on my offer.  I have more fight in me for whatever I put my mind to than I care to think about.  I fight for just the oddest things but never myself or my happiness.  I knew I would do whatever it took to keep Will out of jail at that very moment if it meant losing my job, my husband, or money.  And all of a sudden I had the bigger question as to why that was….  So since I was still crying, I took a walk to figure it out.

I was almost to the lake when it dawned on me.  All that talking.  All of Will’s sadness.  And how good he felt.  A rush of memories and feelings came over me which I had forgotten about some 10 years ago.  It has been nearly 20 years since it all affected me and here on this day I remembered.  I know why Will affected me the way he did and why I couldn’t stop crying. 

I was 12 when something so horrible happened to me that I cannot talk about it anymore.  I barely remember all the other stuff and yet I am sitting here and am overwhelmed writing this about all the stuff I can’t believe I forgot.  There are so many things for 6 years that are so very sad it’s as if it happened to someone else.  My illness was not an accident either.  I should be dead on so many occasions in my life I just don’t know why I lasted this long. 

But I remember after I became ill running away from it and refusing treatment and not telling anyone because I wanted to die.  And it was a William who made me promise to get treatment.  I loved him more than anything for the longest time.  I held out hope for several years that I would have the courage to tell him I lived.  He gave me a safe place to stay and think and his promise brought me home and made me help myself get well. 

I remember all too well another night that changed everything. When I first heard about her I just shook all over.  I always knew what happened to me wasn’t isolated.  I knew there were others.  I knew mine was the most violent and bloody though.  Until this.  I should have known and I should have stopped it.  She was in a coma for the rest of her life.  A vegetable.  She was 19 and beautiful.  I do not remember a time where I was innocent.  Ever.  But this woman did and suddenly it was gone.  I could have prevented it and I didn’t.  I was going to prevent it now though and did the unthinkable.  I still had a broken cheekbone from the last time he threw me up against the glass.  I had called the police and told my family with no help ever offered for so long I didn’t even cry anymore when I was tortured.  My arms were covered in cigarette burns.  My face scarred.  The knife wound was still dark on my cheek.  My car just kept going faster and faster until I heard the thump and just slowed down to see my mirror what I had done.  I smiled and drove home and slept so well that night.

About three days later at work they came for me.  I knew they would.  I knew the deer story was a bit flimsy.  But what the hell, I really felt good.  They started asking all these questions.  So many questions and so many people were asking me these questions I got annoyed and promised not to speak at all. 

For nearly a week I sat there in county jail and never said a word.  I never left the cell and never took visitors.  I refused an attorney via a nod and never uttered a word until court.  So Judge Allmon was pretty angry at me and said I was uncooperative.  He read my case file.  I was the second top student in my graduating class except I was only 16.  I was in the top 3% for grades and test scores in the whole country.  Accepted into Harvard but had to wait to be 18 to go.  I was not allowed to speak at graduation or get into the National Honor Society however, because I had been suspended for fist fighting.  I actually put a girl I despised into the hospital.  Ok, so I was trouble.  I was angry.  I was hurt and alone.  By the way, my mother has never let me forget that I didn’t get into the National Honor Society.

But that judge made me promise something extraordinary.  He said that someone so smart and so talented did not belong in jail.  He made me promise that if I would get counseling, testify for the prosecution about what happened to me to help this 19 year old woman’s case go to trial, and go back to school and figure out how to help other’s like me that he would make sure I never went to jail and that the entire charge was never seen again.

So I did that.  All of it.  Yes it was hard.  It was like harder than anything you can imagine.  I remember her mother screaming at me when I went to the courtroom telling me I could have prevented her being in that hospital bed for the rest of her life.  And I remember his eyes.  I remember his stupid limp from what I had done which I am only sorry didn’t kill him.  I remember the day the jury found him not guilty by reasonable insanity too.  That son of a bitch blamed it all on his Vietnam Veteran father.  He didn’t deserve to breath air.

I also can’t forget his step-father who was a fine and decent man.  He tried to raise this “thing” into a worthwhile human being.  You know what I remember about his stepfather?  He had these two Chow Chow dogs he walked every day around the marina.  He stopped by the beach one day and while we had never spoken, he sat on the edge of my towel watching me playing with my daughter and said, “I will be forever sorry about what happened to you.  You have my thoughts and prayers and please know I never meant to help raise him to do that.”  He killed himself 4 days later.  His note said he couldn’t live with what happened.  Neighbors say there was an argument and that he didn’t own a gun.  I know that the monster who lived there is probably responsible one way or the other.

I cannot believe I had forgotten all this.  I can’t look at Will because I can’t stand the sadness.  I want to help Will because I can’t help myself and I made a promise to help others.  I wasn’t crying anymore at the lake.  I was thinking.  Thinking about what I didn’t want anymore.  Thinking someone gave me an extraordinary gift and I owed it to world to do something great with it to make up for what I have lost.  I really cannot believe all of the great things I have done and how little I have done lately.  I made a promise to myself to live my life to the best of my ability because two people are not here anymore because of my shortcomings.  I made a promise to myself that I would never hurt my husband which is one I am going to break.  I am going to my scary house by myself.  I want to be with my dogs and stop thinking about what I have lost and find myself again.  No husband and I know that I should stay alone for a very long time.  I am way too out of practice in a relationship to be any good at it.  Plus, I always say the wrong thing and get hurt really bad.  Eventually they always turn mean towards me.  I have stayed with my husband because he doesn’t hit me.  But telling me to shut up and making me beg for attention isn’t any better.  I must be flawed in a way that it is a requirement to take advantage of me or at least doormat is written on my back. 

The bottom line here is that no one has ever taken care of me in my whole life.  If I need something or just want my neck rubbed or just a door held open it is me doing it.  It was the open door of Will that made me realize what I don’t have and that I have no idea of how to get it.  I have carried so much in all these years I stopped asking for help.  I have cleaned and cooked and worked harder than anyone I know.  But for one moment of clarity, I knew I needed to just help Will get back to his life and focus on his son and I could put all this behind me.

I have thought of leaving my husband for a few months now.  I miss my kids.  I am going to ask them if that would make them happy if he were gone.  I know I need to go back to helping others with hard problems like me.  I have been a pompous ass not remembering what it is that made so tough.  And that my toughness is just masking how sad and lonely I am.  A few slow kisses and Will’s body next to mine made me feel soft and vulnerable.  And as I sit here and cry, I know that I shall never see Will again.  I am just too complicated and have some hidden agenda like every other woman.  Actually, I think it is more true to say that Will is so easy to talk to, so handsome, and so nice that any woman would have a hard time not falling in love with him easily.  Plus, people like me should keep it simple.

My counselor taught me about a common problem I had called acting in, acting out.  I really thought about it at the lake.  I think it explains my current relationship issues.  I talked to Will about sex and my “activities”.  But rather oddly, I was embarrassed to tell him about them and felt stupid talking about it.  He was intrigued and perked up, but I didn’t feel good.  I probably am back to my same old pattern but in a safer format and without the alcohol.  I just want one man who thinks I am special and who makes me feel nice and soft without feeling desperate.  I just don’t know why that is so much to ask for so I think I will do what is best and just stop.  I came home and deleted every email and profile.  I am not going to participate in something just to get 5 minutes of fun out of it.  I want to be with someone in the dark and spend all night talking.  Or how about that bath?  Will told me women actually bathe men in Amsterdam.  I found that to be most erotic.  Just to let someone that close.

Will if you are reading this I am so sorry.  I know it’s absolutely ridiculous.  Just make a promise that you will fix your life so that no harm comes of you for me.  And do let someone in.  I have no doubt you will find a wonderful woman who will appreciate you and make you really happy.  I would love to see that.  I don’t have anything to gain here.  I wrote it all down so I can remember if I ever need a good kick in the ass again.  You have to fix things though.  Your son needs you and I can tell you want to be a great father and that it is something you need.  I am sure I will never see you again and I am going to have to fix my own things.  But I wanted you to see you are not alone.  Other people screw up too.  My screw up cost two people their lives.  It doesn’t make you alone, it just makes you human.  I am sorry I forgot all this….