It Doesn't Hurt

This story was written for a dance project where we had to make up a dance that told a story. Its based off the lyrics to It Doesnt Hurt by Kaite Thompson, which was the song the dance was to. Hope you like it :)
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    It happens more and more frequently now. That far too familiar feeling. The one that creeps up inside me, and grows into something I can not control. It fills my veins; seeping into my bones, from the top of my head to the tips of my toes. Until I can no longer move under the weight of it all. Until at last it reaches my very core and I want nothing more than for it to consume me completely, so that I never existed at all…

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         For 8 months, 4 days, 3 hours and 27 minutes I have lived here. While the others are busy playing card and Monopoly, I count the time that has passed. I count the seconds the way one counts prayer beads on a rosary, with the futile hope that each prayer said will bring them closer to salvation. I hope that with each second passed, I will be brought closer to the end. The end is all I can think about now. I no longer care whether the end means me leaving this place, or leaving this life behind. I just want it to end.

          I was told, long before you put me in this place, that this ‘condition’ was hereditary. And I guess looking back on my childhood, things make a lot more sense. My mother, you remember her? She killed herself when I was 13; I wonder why she was never put in a place like this? She heard voices too, like they say I do, but I swear to you, I’m trying really hard not to hear the things they tell me. But its so hard not to hear. They say things that I’m sure they told my mother before she finally gave in. I promise you, I’m trying not to give in too.
         
         It doesn’t hurt. I swear. This place you put me in, it makes sure I never feel pain. The tiny red pills they give me, they are supposed to make me immune from pain. But all they do is surround me with fog. A thick fog that makes it hard to breath, and even harder to hear anything but the people yelling in my ear. They yell terrible things. Things that make me fall apart and want to give in; I really wish that you were there to keep me together.  But I’m telling you it doesn’t hurt, the little red pills, they take care of that.

         I don’t cry anymore. I know how bad that use to make you feel. I promise you I don’t cry anymore unless I open my eyes. So I keep them closed. And I wait for you to come. I use to look forward to this. To seeing you again. But now, I see the look in you eyes when you see me. That look of defeat. I know, I’m not the same person I was. You barely recognize me now. The voices have taken over, I cant drown them out anymore. I’m sorry. I want to see your gentle smile, and feel your loving touch, but I am consumed by this monster. Their telling me its time to go. I can’t love you the same anymore, trust me I want to, but I know you cant love me anymore either.
         You put me in here, I know with the best intentions. You left me here, alone. All I had was them. It's not your fault. It's theirs. This story, my story has reached its end. A simple end, the end they wanted. I tried, I promise you. I tried really hard not to listen to them. But this is the only way they’ll stop. All I want is for them to stop. I just want it to end.
         I promise you, and this is a promise I can keep; that I will always and forever love you.

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         Happiness. Even as I watch this dreary scene unfold in front of me. He looks so sad. How I wish I could tell him how much happier I am now. I feel so much lighter, that they are not dragging me down. There is no noise in my head except my own voice, humming his favourite song. I stand beside him, and try and explain that its alright. I’m ok. But of course he doesn’t listen. He walks away slowly, leaving me to stand here. Leaving me, to watch over the girl peacefully sleeping in the casket. She looks an awful lot like me, but there is something distorted about her features. They still look sad, and I am finally happy. I smile at the body that once belonged to me. I have finally reached the end.  He comes back and stands beside me. I put my head on his shoulder. I know he cannot hear me, but I hope he's listening anyways . "Good bye", I whisper to him one last time. And just as I fade into this peaceful forever, he looks right at me and smiles. That gentle loving, smile. "Good bye" he whispers back…