Undisclosed Desires

Silver  melodies have ever been the true savoir.
I came upon such a hymn yesterday. It whispered sweet words, telling me everything I wanted to hear, and everything I would die to tell you. If only I had the will and the way.
The verses speak of a lover, but to me they speak of a united pair, unable to see their descendant mistakes and consequences.

When I heard the first chorus, I wanted to cry.
I tried.
I failed.
And I wanted it to hurt.
I prayed it would stab my own heart.
Nothing.

I wrote a letter to God once. I called him a bastard.
Then I abandoned him. Left him the dust on a rush hour freeway.

The song inspired the artist in me. So I drew. I drew a self portrait, one side was myself. The other half was <i>me</i> and every secret I want to scream to the world.

I spent so long building up silver walls and practicing an icy cast to my hazel eyes that I forgot how to feel the simple emotions.
I can no longer speak to those close to me. I am too petrified to show them flaw.
Someone give me a stranger. Someone who knows nothing about me. Someone who has never seen me without make-up on. Someone who doesn’t know I shade in my eyebrows.
Someone beg that someone to tell <i>them</i>

I tell people I am strong and that I don’t need anybody.
If I don’t tell them that, I am afraid of upsetting them. I don’t want to look the over dramatic, attention seeking failure I tell my self I am in light on the digital clock and six A.M.

I don’t sleep at night because that is the only time I am free. That is the only time I have to think for myself.
The idea comes at One, after I finish reading.
The way comes at three.
The finished route beats out a path by three.
The finished plan arrives at  four.
<i>The action never comes.</i>
The doubts seep in around five.
The fear, at six.
The alarm, at seven.
The make-up at eight.
The charade at nine.


I think I could have picked  at my reasons and actions until my soul bled raw.
But I don’t know that I would have felt the blood.
I don’t know that  I would have let myself. Until yesterday.

Sometimes it only takes three minuets and fifty-six seconds to want to change your habits.