The End of Dreams

Plick!…. Plick!….. Plick….

It went on and on. The sound had been eating into her for as long as she could remember. When she felt her head would explode if she heard another plick, she reluctantly decided to get up.



Her faithful legs that had carried her ever-increasing burden for the last 36 years decided to abandon her and turned to rubber. Et tu Brutus, she muttered and holding onto the bed railings for support, finally stood on her feet. The pins and needles on her feet seemed to have reaffirmed her belief in Chinese torture as she shuffled to the bathroom. The familiar bathroom of five years now seemed to have a foreboding feel that seemed to suck her very breath out.



She quickly turned off the faucet. The dripping stopped immediately and was replaced with an eerie silence. The silence reminded her yet again of how alone she was. She returned back to the bedroom as fast as her still flailing legs would carry her.



An involuntary tear slipped out of her eye. She wiped it off with a wry smile. She had thought their stock was exhausted. How much tears can a body that hasn’t eaten or drunk for 2 days produce? And following that thought immediately came the next one. Has it really been 2 days? It seemed like it happened just an hour back or maybe even a year ago. Time seemed to have lost all meaning. Only what happened before the incident seemed to have any significance in her mind. She couldn’t even remember what had happened after. In some part of her mind she was aware of the cycle of day and night passing. But that’s about it.



That’s probably because I’m still in shock, she thought.

Shock? Shock of what, a voice inside her asked. Didn’t she know that there couldn’t have been any other end to this tale other than what just happened? But maybe if I hadn’t…she thought for maybe the hundredth time or was it the millionth time. Even if you hadn’t, it would have still happened, the voice whispered back. If not this way, then some other. Because dearie, this is your destiny and fate wouldn’t have it any other way.



But this was not supposed to be my destiny, she thought ruefully. Not me. Not Miss Beautiful Legs 1982. She now looked at her shapeless legs with a violet cross work of varicose and sighed. It seemed like it was all in another lifetime.



She had been no beauty queen nor an Einstein. But she definitely had passed muster. She was intelligent enough and did have good legs too. Life was going on just fine until she met Cory. But then everything turned topsy-turvy as she fell head over heels in love. He was also so enchanted that after just 3 months of courtship he proposed to her. Her parents had passed away at an early age leaving behind a small fortune in stocks and a house on East Hill. The wedding was low key and the happiest day of her life. She didn’t have much memory of the next three years. The initial euphoria had ended but the love was still there and days passed without too much incident. Cory was a good guy who was prone to tempers once in a while and once she accepted that and adjusted herself according to his needs, life went on smoothly.



And then one morning she got sick. She got sick repeatedly for a few days and realized that she had missed her period. She was ecstatic when the doctor confirmed that she was indeed carrying and waited eagerly for Cory to get home to share the news. She spent the whole afternoon anticipating his delight at hearing the news.



His first reaction on hearing that his wife of three years was pregnant with his spawn was to slap her tightly across her face. She was in so much shock that she did not even feel the pain until the next morning when she saw the broken lip and the deep red finger marks on her cheek. That was when she broke into mindless tears. Cory, ever so loving, came and apologized to her and life seemed to get on normally. But something seemed to have changed between them. Cory was still kind and loving but somehow he also seemed more cold. The months passed ferociously and her baby arrived. Holding the little bundle of joy in her arms gave her more comfort than anything she had ever known and expected Cory to share her feelings. But he seemed to abhor even touching the little angel and avoided it as much as possible.



She seemed to find new joy every time she looked at little Shay. With each new milestone that he crossed, be it his first step or his first word she seemed to fall more and more deeply in love with her baby and get more and more distanced from Cory. She even stopped caring for herself and never really lost the pounds she had gained during pregnancy. But she was too preoccupied with Shay to notice.



She didn’t know how or when it happened but one morning just after Shay’s second birthday she realized that she didn’t know her husband anymore. It was like she was living with a total stranger. They didn’t even sleep together anymore. Cory didn’t want the baby’s cries to wake him up in the middle of the night and so she had moved to the guest bedroom with Shay. She couldn’t even remember when was the last time they had had a meaningful talk or even spent some time with each other. But she was never lonely. Shay who was growing up to be a very intelligent boy took up all her time. The only time that she missed Cory’s presence in their life was when she saw Shay missing out on his fathers love. The little boy was forever trying to get Cory’s attention. But Cory never managed more than a few words with him. She could see the confusion and pain in his eyes every time he saw his friends with their fathers. He seemed to think it was his fault that his father didn’t like him and was always doing things just to impress Cory. It pained saddened and even slightly angered her that after all the love she was ravishing on her only son, he seemed to dote on his father. Whether it was getting better grades at school or winning the art competition or scoring the winning goal, everything was for his papa. Once Cory came home from work Shay would rush towards him, completely forgetting her and tell him all about his day. If Cory was in a better mood he would pretend to hear with an occasional grunt and if he was in a bad mood he would just shout at Shay asking him to shut up and go to his room and the poor hurt boy would hide away crying in his bedroom, not even allowing his mother to console him. On those very rare occasions that Cory would actually smile at Shay and ruffle his hair or even speak a few kind words to him, Shay would be on cloud nine and float around happily for the next few days. All this troubled her very much as she just couldn’t understand how the child could give so much love to a man who never wanted him. Her jealousy would make her snap at her son, whom she would, on such occasions, consider a traitor.

…..



She slowly walked towards the kitchen. Getting up from her seat on the bed had apparently brought back all feelings. Her throat was now on fire and she desperately needed a drink. Ignoring the mess on the floor she proceeded towards the sink and drank the refreshing water instantly cooling her parched lips and making her feel alive again. It was amazing, she thought, how something like water, which we take for granted for most of our life, could quench your thirst in such a way that you feel that you are alive. And it was thirst she guessed that brought about the twist in her monotonous life. The unquenchable, killing thirst for love.



It was during September a year back that Shay came home from school and proclaimed that he wanted to learn to play the piano. Apparently a new music teacher had just shifted to their neighborhood and all the local kids seem to be going to him. So one fine Sunday she took Shay for his first piano lesson. She would never forget her first impression of Mr. Robinson. Music could be heard as soon as she got to his doorstep. Mesmerized by the lilting melody, she entered the open door without knocking. There, in the front room was Mr. Robinson behind the piano. His eyes were closed as his fingers struck key after key bringing forth a tune that at first hearing seemed to her to speak of tragedy and pain. Then the tempo rose, pace increased and then the tune seemed to convey hope. The music seemed to tell the story of someone who was lost and sad, who then seemed to find some kind of hope in its existence and rose from the ashes of his desperation in triumph and glory as the music reached a crescendo. At the end of the song, she found herself in tears. She had never been more moved by any form of music. Mr. Robinson then rose from his chair and came forward to greet her and Shay. She was appalled to see that he was a cripple and was actually walking using his crutches. With a smile he offered her a tissue for her tears and thanked her for appreciating his song. Her only words to him were if Shay could ever learn to play like that. And he replied that if Shay wanted to he would.

Mr. Robinson or Jeff as he wanted her to call him was very good at reading people. He soon understood the longings of Shay’s heart and reciprocated with genuine affection and care for the boy.

It seemed to be a match made in heaven. Shay and Mr. Robinson were always together. He would spend all his free time with the elderly musician. It seemed as if Music and Mr. Robinson had managed to fill the gap in Shay’s life.



Every evening after school Shay would rush over to Jeff’s place and stay there till Cory would come home. I missed seeing my son running around me but knowing that atleast he was in a place where his feelings were reciprocated, made me happy too. Cory didn’t seem to notice anything amiss and I didn’t enlighten him either.

One day Shay unexpectedly came home early and told me that Jeff was having a high fever and couldn’t even get out of bed. I immediately called our doctor and rushed over next door with a bowl of soup. For the next couple of days all my time was spent with Jeff or in cooking for Jeff. Under my care, his fever reduced and he was able to talk. He was a very interesting man and his knowledge on topics even outside the realm of music was quite fascinating to hear. It had been a long time, since I had actually had a long conversation with any man and my daily sessions with Jeff not only helped nurse him back to health but also helped to invigorate me and wake me from my emotional slumber.



The attraction was mutual, quick and entirely circumstantial. In me, it started off with a longing to be with him at all time and to hear him talk. Soon he occupied all my free thoughts and I started to dream about how my life would be different with him. He would not only be an ideal partner for me but also would also be a good father and mentor for my besotted son.



The day we made love for the first time will always be etched in my mind. In all my years of marriage to Cory, I had never realized that the simple ritual of making love could make you feel so divine and blessed. That day as I lay in his arms with tears of pure joy running down my eyes, I decided that I would tell Cory everything.



It was short and over very fast. Considering how we have been living as strangers for the past many years, I didn’t expect any retaliation from Cory. Also the blind eye I had been turning to the lipstick stains on his shirt gave me the confidence to go through with it. I told him very simply that I had someone else in my life and wanted to get a divorce. At first Cory didn’t react then he looked surprised. He seemed more surprised by the fact that I had someone else in my life than the fact that I wanted to divorce him. I was angry at this but didn’t really care as long as he left me and Shay in peace.



23rd March was the worst day of my life.

The day started off normally enough and everything seemed to be fine until Shay came home from school. As usual he didn’t eat the food I laid out for him and seeing that I was at Jeff’s, he raided the refrigerator for snacks.

From the time I have been a child, I have had a very sensitive immune system. An adverse allergy to peanuts had always prevented me from enjoying all the food that my peers used to devour with no fear. At the age of 3, after eating peanut butter sandwiches at a birthday party, Shay had become violently ill and since then, my poor son also had to face the many restrictions I faced through all my childhood.

On that fateful day when I got home from Jeff’s, I saw Shay unconscious on the bedroom floor. I was devastated and rushed him to the emergency room in the nearby hospital. He was detected with an Anaphylaxis shock, which led to a respiratory arrest. The doctors said it was caused by consuming a large quantity of peanuts. This was really shocking for me as I have always taken extreme care to keep our house nuts especially peanuts free. Also Shay from a very young age had been trained very well to avoid peanuts.

Seeing my darling son under all those tubes and masks was killing me. When the doctor came to me later and told me they couldn’t save my only son, I was already dead.

Cory was supportive all through the funeral and after. But nothing could get me out of the cocoon I had built for myself. I vaguely remember Jeff trying very hard to console me but how can anyone console a corpse. I went back into my shell and resumed my life in my house, which after my son’s demise seemed empty of life. I remember seeing Cory coming home or leaving from home, but I don’t recall us having spoken even two words to each other. Without my son, I didn’t need anyone and I would have gladly ended my own life if I could remember to do it.

A few months passed in total oblivion. Then two days back, I was cleaning the drawers in Cory’s room. I was mindlessly cleaning out the socks when I noticed a small lump inside one of Cory’s old socks. I dug out a small glass vial out of the sock. It was half full of some colourless liquid. I pried the lid open and smelled the liquid inside. The strong and deathly aroma of decayed peanuts wafted through the bottle. My brain which had gone into an abyss after the untimely death of my only son, sprang into life as everything seemed to fall into place.

I waited patiently until Cory came home. He came home around six. I showed him the vial and mouthed just a simple “Why?”

Sometimes we tend to ask questions without really wanting to know the answer, knowing very well that the answer will probably be our damnation. But still the morbid desire to know is ever persistent.

Cory was shocked beyond words when he saw the vial in my hand and truth and understanding and hatred in my eyes. There was no point lying and he knew it. He blurted the truth out to me. The vial and its contents were meant for my end. Before leaving for work that day he had poured half of the peanut essence in the dish of pasta that was in the fridge. He hoped the strong odor of tomatoes would mask the smell of peanuts. The motive was so simple, I was surprised it had escaped me. He was after the little nest egg my parents had left me. It had multiplied over the years and was now a good sum. If I had divorced him, he would not get that money. The only option out that he could think of was to get rid of me. Little did he know that my innocent son was a refrigerator raider and would eat what was not to be his. He didn’t want Shay dead. He was very remorseful when that happened but there was nothing he could do.

Cory finished his confession and sat down on the kitchen stool not daring to look at me.

My reaction was quick. Probably my subconscious mind had already taken the decision. I grabbed my meat cleaver from the wall and brought it down hard on Cory’s neck. The blood splashed everywhere but that’s didn’t scare me and in a blind anger I wedged the knife out from his shoulder and brought it down again with as much force as I could muster. Cory collapsed in a bloody heap.

…..



I now opened my eyes and tried to judge what I was feeling at that moment. My anger was gone. There was sadness at how things had changed. Definitely no remorse. I thought of Jeff for a while. I guess he would have to learn to depend on his crutches again.

I then went over to the phone and called the police.

Now there was just one thing left to do. I didn’t have much time, the police would be here soon. I took the vial that had poisoned my son. I opened the cap and thinking of my darling Shay, the love of my life, I poured that liquid down my throat.





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