The Sanctuary of Death

She twisted back and replaced the lid on the translucent orange-hued pill bottle, placing it on the floor beside her mattress. Her body twisted to face the bookcase, her head lay lightly on her pillow. This pillow, on which she had had many a nightmare; cried herself to sleep and screamed her lungs out until she had no breath or voice to do so. This pillow, which now felt ironically soft for the last time, as if she was floating on clouds - it was finally comfortable.  She gazed at the photo of her and her mother across the room. It rested on the bottom shelf of the bookcase, and their bright eyes looked back at her. Her ten year old self, arms twisted around her mother, mother hugging her back round the waist, both laughing in suspended animation.  If only they had known. She had had a sense of foreboding then, of attachment and depression when she looked at her mother. She had known something was going to happen. That something would separate, break forever, their bond. If only they had known. The years of angst and hopelessness and emptiness that were approaching. The loneliness and brokenness that would come to cloud her mother's eyes. If only they had known. Now, it would end. All the suffering, the pain. The endless dead ends. But that was the last thing she wanted to see. She wanted to remember. Because the past was all she had to live in now. She breathed deeply, feeling a serenity beyond what she had ever felt before. Some people had waited their whole lives to find out what was meant to be, what was meant to happen to them. Her friends had felt wholesome, 'found themselves' in having children, finding the right partner, getting their dream jobs, travelling. She was always the odd one out; so disconnected from everything and everyone. Yes, it was true, there were moments, mere minutes or hours when she felt like she could belong. But these were only seconds. Minutes. Hours. Her time was up before she could count it. She was apart. Different. She was alone in the world. Her eyelids eased shut, her lashes fluttering slightly. For the first time, she completely filled her mind with emptiness. She didn't need to think about anything. Now, after all those years of searching, she felt whole. She had finally found her purpose. She did not find her peace in life, but in that much questioned entity which waited for all. She had finally found her sanctuary. This she found as death claimed her.