Disney Diamonds

DISNEY DIAMONDS

It happened by pure coincidence. After having amassed a rather large collection of Disney movies, I decided to watch them all over again with my granddaughter Luna. My children had enjoyed them for years and I thought it would be fun. Over 25 years ago when my adventure into motherhood began, I was too busy to read between the lines of the Disney classics. Now that I am older, I have toned down my frenetic,Type-A personality and am more pensive these days. I took out the VHS tapes from the pink rubbermaid storage box. They seem to last longer than CD's. With each tape came memories. When my daughter was one month old, I purchased our first VCR. I went to the Disney store and bought "Sleeping Beauty" and "Lady and the Tramp". "Cinderella" was soon to follow.My daughter adored the movies and being very bright for her age, she sang along at the age of only two years old. She wanted me to outfit her with a little head scarf just like Cinderella. She took a washcloth and container and pretended to wash things while she sang,"Oh Sing Sweet Nightingale". She would even repeat the dialogue word for word.I remember laughing as she said, "Lucifer! You mean old thing! I'm just going to have to teach you a lesson!" Even more hilarious was her playing the part of Maleficent the Evil Queen in in Sleeping Beauty. She would have made a splendid actress and would have put Mary Kate and Ashley to shame.

As we age, we see things that were invisible in our youth. Our receptors are more sensitive. The morals in the Disney classics were layed subconsciously.You had a grand time while you learned that you should never lie. The most important advice ever came from Thumper in the movie "Bambi". He said, "If you have nothing nice to say, Don't say anything at all." Epic wisdom from a cottontail.Cinderella and the mice taught us the value of hard work, kindness, and love. Lady and the Tramp taught us loyalty. Beauty and the Beast told us that you cannot judge a book by it's cover and beauty can be found in unexpected places. Pinocchio taught us to be happy being ourselves but dream for more and to value the respect of our elders. The Lion King Taught us not to let tragedy or adversity crush our spirit and that we should not stress over things.It also showed mercy and tolerance for those different from us. Hidden gems abound in classic Disney.

Disney was also therapy for me and my children and became associated with death. My grandmother was dying of pancreatic cancer when I was 23. My daughter was 3 years old. Mamie, as she was called, spent a fortune buying Disney clothes, shoes, and toys for her. It was bittersweet gifts because I knew the extravagance was her way of saying goodbye. Soon after, she was in the hospital breathing her last. My daughter's third birthday was a hard thing to celebrate. I took her to see "The Little Mermaid". From the first grey scenes of the ship and gulls, we were transported to a stress-free fantasy world.My breathing was slower and my palms stopped sweating during the film.It was indeed magic.My daughter sat entranced and when the movie ended she wanted to go back inside. We saw it 3 times while in the theater. As soon as it was on tape, we rushed to buy it. Not one, but two copies, so we would have a spare. The living room rug became an ocean and Ursula was lurking behind the couch. A coffee table became the water she swam on when she thought I did not see. She blew imaginary bubbles while watching her face in the polished surface. She became a little mermaid herself. The tub was something she never wanted to get out of and I feared she would succumb to pneumonia or turn into a human raisin.Then along came Belle to save us from a watery fate.

My father was diagnosed with lung cancer that metastasized to his brain. "Beauty and the Beast" premiered while he was at death's door. My daughter adored her grandfather and she was so worried about losing him at the tender age of 4. He was her hero, her knight, her pizza date, her best friend.While Belle found love with a prince disguised as a monster, My daughter found relief in music and colors. We laughed as candlesticks, clocks, and teapots performed amazing feats. In the back of my mind, I knew my father was dying. He insisted I leave his bedside to take his only granddaughter to see "Beauty and the Beast". I never argued with my father. As we left the theatre, a snow was falling light and airy as goosefeathers. The flakes swirled around in a vortex about us as if playing with us. It felt unusually warm. I had prayed for strength to help me bear my father's illness and comfort my family, especially my daughter. My son was 18 months old and does not remember my father. A tragedy to be sure as he was the finest man who ever lived and adored my son. My youngest son was born on my father's birthday one year after his death. I named him after my father. The boys loved "The Lion King". "Hakunamatata" became their theme song.When we had to move from a place we loved they sang Disney tunes as we packed.My oldest son has Autism and hearing him sing and repeat the dialogue to "The Lion King" was priceless. When things sucked they would chime right in with it and I would be smiling again. My youngest adored "Mary Poppins". He reluctantly admits to this being a strapping young man now. He would imitate Dick Van Dyke's "Step in Time" routine so well it was scary. He kicked his knees up and danced with a broom around the patio so well he could have done Broadway. If I want to shut him up now, I threaten to tell his buddies about his "Steppin' Time" days.
Flash-forward, and my granddaughter and I are watching "Tangled". She is pretending to comb her imaginary long hair while dancing and singing. I feel like I am in a movie myself, one that is being played in fast-forward mode. It seems surreal until she climbs into my lap and says, "I love you Grandma!", giving me a tight hug. My coping mechanism has been to enjoy comic and cartoonish movies.
When I watch the films I bought many years ago when loved ones passed were still here; It is so bittersweet. My Grandmother, My Father, And now my dearest sister Lisa Ann are gone away to Heaven.My children are adults, and my granddaughter is growing like an untamed ivy.My mother is now in the advanced stages of Rheumatoid Arthritis and getting on in years and I go to visit her as often as I can.

As I watched Disney's Frozen before my sister Lisa's recent passing the subtle messages went unheard. As I heard the title song "Let It Go" after Lisa passed; The words hammered home into my heart,mind, and soul. You see, Lisa was in many ways like Elsa in that she had a dark secret that made her different...Lisa was Schizophrenic. She was always so afraid of being "the good girl" like Elsa; and not letting anyone into her guarded world.

I totally understand Elsa's sister Anna's loneliness and grief in losing her sister even while she was alive. I felt the same way; begging my own sister Lisa to come out and play in much the same way Anna begged Elsa, "Do you wanna build a snowman?". I pleaded countless times with my sister to come with me and just "be" ourselves and have fun and live; but my pleas often went denied. The more I begged; the more Lisa went deeper into her own Frozen world, still full of love for me and her family; but unable to live in the "normal" world. On the rare occasion Lisa ventured out with me; it was if it was a one-step-forward-; two-step-back kind of dance. I felt like little pieces of her were floating away through the years, just like the windswept snows that kept Anna and Elsa apart briefly. I fought to be close to my sister too. I lost that battle on December 5, 2014. On that morning; I found a princess; cold and frozen, and I was unable to revive her heart. It stopped beating while she was alone; and for a brief moment; I felt mine would stop and was frozen too.

Lisa would retreat into her room when faced with her illness. But on many occasions Lisa fought the ensuing fires of perceived ridicule and became feisty. Lisa was regal in spite of her illness, a true princess in every sense, and like Elsa; Lisa fought to keep the fears inside, But sometimes we cannot keep the storms within us inside. That's when we test the love of those around us, when the storm howls and they stay in spite of it all. I stayed but Lisa departed, and I was left holding a cold and frozen shell of the vital and beautiful person that was and is my sister.

Lisa may have felt alone, but she was always in my heart. Lisa may have felt that she was a "queen of isolation" and afraid to "Let It Go", But on that cold morning of December 5, 2014, Lisa left behind the fears and worries behind her. It was Lisa's desire to be a perfect and good daughter and sister that wore out her own heart. Lisa's heart was so full love but back at times by illness, even though she desired to. Now, "The perfect girl is gone"... She indeed did" rise like the break of dawn";and now I am the one frozen and broken without my sister Lisa Ann Manhart. I loved everything about my sister, the good, the perceived "bad" she thought she was; and the frozen I couldn't save her from that was Schizophrenia. She was an incredible person with a loving heart, clever wit, and a passion to live free. Now she can. I only wish she was still here. Until then I am in part frozen too and wait to be with my beloved sister again. Rest In Peace Lisa Ann Manhart.

I often think about Mr. Disney and his life. He was a tragic, romantic figure himself. He wanted a world of magic and beauty for people to escape in. Someday I'll have to thank him for giving us someplace magical to weather the storms of life and death if only for a little while.