A poem I wrote for my dad about a year ago. |
Flowers for Dad Today I bought some flowers and took them to your grave I know I promised long ago but life got in my way. And if I were to tell the truth I was scared to come to you You were my first love, you broke my heart so I never really grew. I stood beside your grave today and wondered if you knew, I wondered if you waited for me like I used to wait for you. I wondered if you knew I was there Or if your spirit was long gone, if you could do it all again would you still stay far from home. You never knew how much I cared, How I wanted you to love me, You never knew how much I wanted A father that cared about me. You did not seem to understand that your children loved you We loved you when you smiled at us we loved you when you hurt us. You never knew we sat outside each night waiting for you to come home. All the cars, they passed us by you never did come home. And when you did come home to us you were to drunk to care you said such awful things to us and left the bruises there. I stood beside your grave today And thought about the gun you put against your head and pulled the trigger with your thumb. I wondered if you ever thought of what your actions did Of the grief and pain you left behind and the shame we all would feel. I stood there and looked at your grave I did not shed a tear But I knew that deep inside my heart my love for you is near. I have it in a real safe place where I very seldom go Because even all these year later The pain is still aglow. I never did the things you wanted I tried but I was weak. I did not think I deserved your love Nor that of other men I would meet. I spent a large portion of my life with men who hurt me just like you I did not understand that I deserved to be loved, not used. Today I brought you flowers and put them on your grave the first time in almost 20 years and still I did not grieve Then I went to visit two more graves lying side by side And as I stood by these two graves I was really, really sad. In these two graves lying side by side are my mother and my brother they loved me even when I was sure I did not deserve for them to bother. After putting flowers on their graves I sat down to be near to them I listened to the birds nesting in the tree singing a peaceful song to help me through my grief I wanted you to love me, I could never make it happen no matter what I said or did you never loved me back, I ran away, I did such things I did not know any better I only wanted you to stay home and not leave bruises on my body. And every time I ran away I always came right back I could not stay away from home even though I knew what would happen you would beat me and call me names and I would not retort I would stay and take it and wonder why I could not be what you wanted. But now I'm growing old myself and have come to understand that people in this world, well they do what they are taught And if I wasn't good enough I can only say I'm sorry and try to forgive you before I die and have to meet my God. I learned alot since you've been gone I learned that love can be real I found someone who loves me and he keeps the night terrors away. But sometimes late at night when sleep eludes me I think of things that should have been Of times you shuold have listened I don't know if we will meet on the other side I don't hold much hope for that but if we do meet when I cross the veil I hope we will be happy. I know I love you still, you were my dad but I don't trust you even now Because the fear and shame still live Deep within my soul. Today I bought you flowers and left them on your grave I know I promised long ago but my life got in the way. ajmoss Originally written Nov 30, 2008 |