Afterthought

Everything about my life has always been an afterthought. My mother found out she was pregnant during her freshman year of college. She wanted to continue college right away, so my grandmother raised me. My mother hardly ever came home for the holidays. By the time I turned seventeen, my grandmother had passed away and my mother was nowhere to be found. I was sent to live with my uncle Steve, someone I had seen only on rare occasion as we lived an entire country apart, and his kids Charlie and Shannon. Steve was a gracious host, but I could tell I was intruding – he and his new wife Gemma had only returned from their honeymoon three weeks prior, and I was the only child still young enough to live at home and go to high school. Gemma’s daughter Shannon came by periodically and stayed for the summers, but during the school year she spent her time away at college. She didn’t think much of me, especially now that I occupied what had previously been her bedroom. I told Steve and Gemma I could have taken one of the several guest rooms in their huge old Victorian house, but they insisted I take Shannon’s room. It had the best view, they said. It was also the farthest away from their bedroom, though I can’t blame them for that one. Truthfully, I should thank them. Charlie had always been cool with me, and he came by every so often when he knew he could scrape up a free dinner for himself and his friends. They always joked around with me and made me feel slightly more comfortable in this strange new house. It was already March, senior year was almost over, and I figured I had missed my chance to make any really good friends. So I went to class, kept quiet unless otherwise asked, and did my homework like a good girl. I spent a lot of my time feeling like a ghost who could see everything but no matter how hard she tried, no one could really see her. I wandered through the hallways, always astutely aware of the high school interactions – one clique of shiny haired, big breasted, made up girls gossiping about another clique of shiny haired, big breasted, made up girls. Jocks high-fiving each other in preparation for the game that night. The chess club crowd discussing last night’s episode of Battlestar Galactica. Couples caressing each other in the hallways; old ones, new ones, ones who are secretly debating whether or not they should take the next step in their relationship. I saw it all, but I felt none of it. I was hollow. My grandmother’s death had affected me even more than I’d realized at the time. She was the only mother I really knew, and now I’d been abandoned for the second time. The house in which I resided was just that – a house. I didn’t feel at home there but always like a guest; I didn’t know if I’d ever truly feel at home there.
And then one day, everything changed.
“Thanks again for dinner, Mrs. Holt, it was great.” Danny said. He was one of Charlie’s friends and our most frequent dinner guest.
“Gemma, this dinner was truly and utterly a work of art,” Charlie brown-nosed. We all knew it, but Gemma didn’t mind. She smiled, thankful that Charlie even accepted her at all, seeing as how their marriage had taken place only six months after the divorce was final between Steve and Charlie’s mother. Charlie seemed impervious to pain. She’d heard him tell his friends once, when they remarked on how hot and young she was and didn’t it bother him that she and his father had probably been fucking even before the decision to get a divorce had been made, that he didn’t know why his parents had even stayed together as long as they had unless it was just to avoid custody battles. No one in the family was surprised and the divorce had been relatively quiet, with few outbursts between his parents. Charlie had still been in high school at the time, but he worked nights and weekends at Padraig’s Bar & Grill in town, so he mostly just avoided the house until it was over. He still saw his mother on a regular basis (no doubt mooching food off her too, but as she was his only child, she complied with the unspoken obligation to send him away with numerous Tupperware containers full of lasagna and meat loaf every time she saw him), and he held no grudge against Gemma. She never spoke ill of his mother, really didn’t mention her at all, so he was grateful for that.
Noticing that everyone else had already finished their plates (Charlie had finished his first; this was his second helping of spaghetti and meatballs), I took this as my cue to clear the table. Even though I knew it was their obligation to take me in as Steve was now my legal guardian, I would be eighteen soon and they would have no obligation to keep me there. I felt like I should earn my keep, so I did the dishes most nights and helped cook on many others. There was a lull in the conversation I hadn’t noticed, being lost in my own world, and suddenly I realized, uncomfortably, that everyone was staring at me. Gemma put a hand on my wrist when I went for her plate and smiled warmly at me.
“You can take tonight off, honey,” she told me, with a knowing look in her eye. She knew I was trying hard because I felt uncomfortable of the situation, and she felt uncomfortable because of me. We never talked about it, but we both knew it was there. She wanted me to feel at home but it was going to take time. A lot of time. “Actually boys, Vicky is our star chef tonight, so it’s her you can thank.” I felt my face flush ever so slightly as I gave a half-hearted smile. Charlie gave me a thumbs up (he had stuffed his mouth with another monumental piece of garlic bread) and Danny smiled at me.
“I know where I’m coming next time I need a good homecooked meal!” he said. I blushed even harder. His brown eyes stared at me and I couldn’t think of anything to say. “You know, we need another cook at The Moth if you’re interested…” he raised an eyebrow at me, sending my heart palpitations through the roof. “I could talk to my boss if you want.” The Moth was a dive bar which didn’t really serve family style food, but I’d been cooking for years since Grandma had first gotten sick, and I was pretty sure I could handle bar food and appetizers. It also had a tiny record store attached to it designed to attract an indie scene and those last few people who just wouldn’t let go of vinyl. I can’t say I’m not guilty of going in there after school every couple of days claiming I was looking for that rare Zebra Parade import or the new Firetones album, when really I wanted to make conversation with Danny. He bartended at night, but during the day, he manned the little store, whose walls were littered with LP covers alike of classics and bands I’ve never even heard of. I’ve always had an open mind for music, though, so took whatever recommendations Danny gave me, and I usually found them to be pretty good.
But a job there? Working with him? I’d have to work nights and weekends too, until school was out, and the thought of being just a room away from him gave me major butterflies.
“Um, sure, let me just check my schedule and make sure I don’t have to work at any of my other jobs.” He chuckled.
“Good one. Come in tomorrow after school and I’ll get you an interview with Link.
“Thanks,” I blushed again. I stood there, awkwardly. Gemma had long ago disappeared into the kitchen with all the plates and I could hear the clanging which meant she was well on her way to having them washed, so there was no escaping the dining room for me tonight.
“Danny, man, shut your trap and let’s get moving or we’ll be late for the movie!” Charlie said, finally. He looked at me. “What are you up to tonight, Vic?” I hesitated.
“Oh, I’ve got some reading I have to do. Macbeth. I’m not even halfway and we have to have it all done by Monday.
“Ah, that pesky Scottish play,” Danny chimed in. “You should come to the movie with us.”
“What movie?”
“It’s that new Halloween or Friday the 13th or whatever they keep making sequels for. It’ll be entertaining.” Charlie said. “You have plenty of time to read all weekend,” he looked at me pointedly. I thought I could detect a slight mischievous glint in his eye.
“Vic, honey, you should go out and enjoy yourself! It’s a beautiful night, too, it’s usually much colder here in March.” Gemma had glided back into the kitchen without a sound. She was like Grace Kelly or Audrey Hepburn or somebody, someone with that old Hollywood glamour and grace.
“Um, sure. Let me just go get changed really quick and I’ll be right down, okay?”
“We’ll be right here!” Danny said.

I checked my watch: 7:45. The movie started at eight. We were only a short walk since we lived close to town, but I was still trying to figure out what to wear. I’d hung out with Danny and Charlie before, but just around the house. I’d never really gone out with them, so I wanted to look nice. Finally, I settled on a short but not too short olive green skirt and brown knee high boots. I was still mulling over shirts when the door opened and Charlie barreled into my room.
“Jeez Charlie didn’t you learn how to knock?” I asked, irritated. I grabbed the nearest shirt and covered myself with it, although I had been wearing a bra. Obviously embarrassed, Charlie turned his back to me.
“Sorry Vic…I just…wanted to say thanks for coming. I think it’s good you’re going to get out for once.”
“Thanks Charlie, I appreciate that, but couldn’t you have waited until I was fully dressed?”
“I know, I’m sorry about that, but I had to tell you something in private. Danny…he’s glad you’re coming too.” The palpitations started again.
“He is?”
“Yeah…he likes you, you know.” They stopped. Period.
“Really?” I asked, once I had caught my breath.
“Yeah, really. You should talk to him more. I know you do hang out with us sometimes when we’re around, but he’d love it if you came out with us more. I’d like it too, you know. And I know what you’re going through. I mean, I can’t sympathize, but I can empathize. I know you’re going to need some time to yourself, but it’s been almost a month since you’ve been here and you just seem so…I don’t know…sad all the time. So I think you should come out with us more often. Everyone else does too.”
“What?” My head shot up, like a deer in the headlights.
“Don’t worry, I wasn’t, like, discussing you with them. They just thought you were cool and they know it’s hard to get in with people this close to your last year. They thought it would be a good idea to ask you to come out too.” I thought about this for a moment. “Vic?”
“Sorry Charlie, I got caught up thinking.” I could hear him smile.
“You seem to do that a lot. So you’ll do it then?” I could tell he was really being sincere. The corner of my mouth tipped up without my permission.
“Sure, Big Brother,” I said.
“That’s my girl!”
“Now get out so I can get dressed!” I chucked one of my deliberations at him and he took the hint and ran out, giving mock battle cries on the way.
So. Danny liked me. This was going to make my wardrobe choice a LOT harder.
“Charlie, man, shut your trap and get down here! We’re going to be late!” I heard Danny shout from the living room. Crap. I settled on a purple tank top, gave my long black hair a quick brush and stuck in a bobby pin on each side. I grabbed my purse and a gray hooded cardigan and ran down the stairs.

More to follow!!