Miss Britman

Miss Britman is an elderly woman who has never been married, and who is easily irritated by everyone and everything except her beautiful cat Charles.

[Phone rings, Miss Britman answers.]

“Hello?”
“Hello, is this Miss Britman?”

“Yes, this is Miss Britman…..of course this is Miss Britman. Who else would you expect to pick up my gosh darn phone?”
“Miss Britman, can I please speak to Mr. Britman?”

“I am not married, you FOOL! There is no Mr. Britman in this house. I am the only one who lives here in this house…as well as my kitty Charles. I am sure you do not want to speak to him!”
“Yes, I would like to speak to Mr. Britman if you don’t mind…you said his name was Charles?”

“Charles is my CAT! C-A-T, CAT! Didn’t I say that already, you fool?”
“That is wonderful that you have a cat, Miss Britman. How long have you and Mr. Britman had your cat for?”

“Oh, my cat is eight years old. He is black and brown and his coat shines like the sun on a bright August day. I remember the day that I took Charles home…..”
“That is nice Miss Britman, but we really don’t care about your cat that much. We really just need to talk to your husband, Mr. Britman.”

“DOESN’T THE FACT THAT MY NAME IS “MISS” BRITMAN give you the CLUE that I am not married? There is no MR. BRITMAN! If anything, Mr. Britman is my FATHER!
“Oh, well pardon me Miss Britman, we have made a mistake. Could we then talk to your father, Mr. Britman…maybe he is the one we need to speak with.”

“I have out LIVED my father. He died when he was 76 years old, and I am a 90 year old woman. I do not see why you would want to speak to him…”
“Oh, well than I guess we have the wrong number.”

“BINGO! I have never been more ready to say BINGO in my ENTIRE life.”
“Have a good day, Miss Britman.”

“Good DAY, you fool!”

[Click]

[Door bell rings, Miss Britman answers it.]

“Yes?”
“Hello, we have a package here for Mr. Britman, is he available?”

[Miss Britman slams the door, picks up Charles, and falls asleep in her rocking chair]

--Miss See Mass