a last apology

It was fifteen past ten o'clock in the night, there was a huge thunderstorm and it was raining incessantly.I don know why i was feeling lonely that day, I went to the window to see the rain outside. It was pouring badly and it was the second time I saw this type of rain. I sat there, as some tiny droplets flew in, to find themselves on my face. I remembered how I had spent my ten years of retirement.

My retirement age had set in. 40 years of service life and sixty five years of personal life had elapsed. The whole life had gone away in taking care of wife and children. They were grown up now and took care of their own life and occupied their professional stand.

My only companion for old age was my dear wife who always stood beside me at every walk of life. She was five years younger and still carried the strength to keep herself busy with the household work along with her daughter-in-laws. My old age was approaching and don't know when the gates of heaven would throw up open suddenly someday.

I had well planned to spend the rest of the retirement life. I would wake up early and go for the morning walk where I could spend some time with my friends. Back at home in the afternoon I planned to do gardening so that the flowers would greet me with their exciting colours and my grandchildren would stroll in the garden with me once they were back from their school in the evenings. I would spend some time playing with them until their homework time.

I had built one big bungalow and all my sons had their own rooms in it. I had also built one spacious room beside the garden as guesthouse but now I had decided to live in it with my wife, as it was very near to the garden. At night I would spend some time with my children and grandchildren watching T.V. I usually spent my one hour of time before sleep, playing chess online with young minds. My son had gifted me a nice laptop as a retirement gift as he knew my interest of playing chess.

Days passed on like this until I turned seventy and I was turning to one old weak man now. I dont know why god has made this phase of life in which every single moment hands and legs are getting weaker which tells you that you are good for nothing on this earth.

Most of the activities getting eliminated slowly. Morning walks and gardening seemed not possible now. I stick to my room now most of the time i spend with my wife speaking to her and in the evenings sitting near the window and watching the plants and flowers smile with their beauty.

Today it was raining very heavily and bought solid ice chunks alongwith it. I still sat there looking out of the window. Now the heavy rain made me remember one another similar day in the past. Those were the days when I was in love with a girl named Vidya. She was everything a man would need - simple, beautiful, understanding, caring and down to earth. I had met her since college days and the train of love had started its journey smoothly on the life track till it reached the end of the college days. The passing days had made us very close to each other that it was impossible to stay without her.

But prolonged happiness never finds its place in any one's life book. The day soon approached, when her parents fixed her marriage. i was unable to sleep at night. She pleaded me to act fast. We had so many financial problems back at home and my parents would never agree for my marriage at that time. Eloping would make us face the worst things in life and I wasn't ready for it. I needed some more time to settle in, shaping my career. The stage appeared where I was finally left with choosing career or love.

I sat in my home gazing outside the window that day. It was raining heavily both outside and also inside my heart. I had seen such a frightening rain for the first time. I felt even the nature shared its emotions with me. The thought of marrying her but the consequences of the tough life drove me mad and then the peaceful days with a respectful job, comfort life, happy parents made the eyes feel better. I got up from the seat suddenly, switched on my PC and drafted a mail to her id [e-mail].

Dear Vidya,
you know what problems I face. I need some more time to settle in.
I am helpless and if we marry now we will face hardships. You know how this lifeÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖ................................................Please forgive me, am not cheating you. i will be always yours. I drafted a long mail which appeared like a short story. I wondered the way my mind conquered the feelings of my heart and threw them aside and sent away this rude mail. Was I the same Rahul who was so madly in love with her?

Next day her reply to mail arrived with the marriage invitation and only one sentence written. I will never forgive you, love is not meant for cowards. Never try it again. An invisible slap found its place on my cheeks. I tried to forget her blaming my destiny.

I moved away from my place after few days getting a job offer in some other state and soon responsibilities, growth, career made her face disappear from life. Few years of hardwork had landed me up in a respectable place in the society. Very soon, my parents had me married to a wealthy girl. I got the best of the comforts and a peaceful life but there was one element missing in life - Love. All this came at the cost of love. Was all this really worth it sacrificing love? Over the years I turned out to be a good husband, good son, and good father. I did take good care of my wife all my life and liked her but the feelings that I found amidst Vidya, never took its place in married life and like remained like and never turned into love. I lived for the sake of living. Slowly I realized how badly Vidya might have got hurt when I left her midway. I carried this heavy burden of sorrow all my life, hidden deep in my heart

Today this rain reminded me of those old days. I got up from my place. I switched on my laptop and ran through all the mails that were exchanged between me and her in the past which I had treasured. Suddenly the heart felt one desire. The trembling hands and tearful eyes clicked on the last mail from her carrying the invitation card. I clicked on reply to sender.



Dear Friend,

It's been fifty years that I saw you last. I am not sure if this id of yours still exists but still writing to you without expecting any reply, as writing this mail I feel I am speaking to you.. Now, I have reached the final stage of my life and I am sure, very soon I will be gone. But before I leave this world, I want to ask your forgiveness for what I did. I have carried this burden all my life and do not want to carry it further after death. Please forgive your friend, I cleared my moist eyes and sent the mail feeling a bit relieved.

Next evening I opened the laptop to delete my mail account forever as I did not want to use the laptop anymore further. When I logged in, my eyes were shocked when it saw a reply to the mail that I sent last night.

Dear Friend,

I forgive you

VIDYA

I could not believe what my eyes saw. Vidya had replied to my mail. She still remembers me. She forgave me. At some corner of her heart she has some respect for me. My heart felt happy. I wanted to dance but my weak body wasn't with me. I deleted my mail account finally and closed the laptop for the last time. I had got what I wished last. I lay down on my bed. I could accept death happily now.

On the other end, after sending the mail, Vidya went to the Puja room and closing her eyes sent out a prayer.

Dear God, I want to confess with you. I do not know, to whom the id vidyathesimple belonged to earlier and it might have got expired. It is a co-incidence that I recreated it with the same name for myself. Seeing the emotional mail I did not have the heart to tell the old man that I am someone else, so I hide my identity with him to help him throw his sorrows out from his heart and replied as the other Vidya. It gave him some moments of happiness atleast.

God! Please forgive this child of 18 years for lying and playing with someone's feelings.