How I Gave Hell the Finger and Survived1

How I Gave Hell the Finger and Survived
by Rune Xavier

Chapter One

Death isn’t something that I had ever feared. I had never really thought about it to tell the truth. Spiders, strange noises in the woods when I was alone, my car breaking down at night when my cell phone had no service in that area and the occasional weirdo following me down the sidewalk near a dark alley. Hell…I had rarely even experienced those. Except the spiders of course. Those crafty little bastards seemed to jump out at me at the most inopportune times and they made me scream like the girl I was. Death huh?

Well…imagine my surprise when I realized I was in Hell. Hades. The freaking Underworld of underworlds even. Come on! Did I really sin that much? Okay…let’s skip that question and go to the situation at hand. Shall we? How I died. I’m gonna try to be as descriptive as possible, so bear with me here.

I was taking a not-so-usual Saturday morning walk just a few blocks from my house. Let’s see…that’s two blocks west and a block south I believe or a block north and two blocks east back home. I think. Oh who cares? Point is I wasn’t far from home. Got it? This particular morning I was alone. My oldest sister had come by for a while and I told her I needed to get out of the house for a while. She agreed to watch my kids so I could do just that. Why the crap I decided to walk was beyond me.

Usually I would have a double stroller filled with my twin one year old sons. My incredibly hyper ten year old son gleefully jumping around behind me, beside me or where he wasn’t supposed to be in the first place. Sheesh and I just knew as wild as he was, he’d be the one to get hit by a car while walking around the neighborhood. I’d be damned if he would listen. Oh. Wait…I was damned. I am. Whatev.

So anyway, chalk it up to a hit and run. The bitch just kept right on driving. You know damned well she knew she had at least hit something! Okay…this is what I’m thinking. Hussy was drunk or high and knew her ass was going to jail for being under the influence. Sounds good right? On a Saturday morning? Shit. Well…there’s always the “I don’t want to get in trouble” theory. Then there’s the “oh fuck I just ran some poor bitch over” theory. I’m guessing the latter happened. In that case if you are reading this and you know who you are…bitch I’ll see your ass when you get here!

How did I know it was a chick? I heard the car coming up behind me. I was in the process of moving over toward the grass since there wasn’t a sidewalk in sight. I turned to see the car just as it struck me. I saw the bitch’s face. Well let me tell ya! I didn’t have my life flash before my eyes and I didn’t even get to see the damned mythical “light” that so many speak about. I watched the car that hit me leave. It was almost as if I had gotten up and screamed at her as she swerved and vanished over the tiny hill on that street.

Yeah, yeah…I know. I didn’t realize I was dead until I stumbled back, trip over myself and landed on my ass. I freaked the fuck out! Crying and screaming, the whole nine yards. I finally gathered my wits and bent down to see if I had a pulse. Oh holy shit I didn’t! Now what? I didn’t know CPR. Now you’d think with three kids a mom would at least take the time to learn fucking CPR. Me? Nope. What a dumbass! I slapped myself, screamed at myself and even kicked the shit out of myself a few times. I was surprised that I could even touch myself at this point. Then someone came running from behind.

I had no clue who the overweight man was that tried to help me. He felt the side of my neck for a pulse. I heard other footsteps approaching quickly behind me and the man turned and yelled at the women in shorts that were about to show her cooch.

“Call 911, she doesn’t have a heartbeat.”

The woman promptly turned and ran back the other way. The man then turned me over onto my back and started pumping at my chest. He mumbled something I couldn’t understand before grabbing my face, squeezing my cheeks together with hand and blowing air into my mouth. Eww. Damn. I could’ve done that…if I’d known how. He repeated this process several times. I heard sirens. They got louder and louder and then I saw the ambulance top the hill in front of us. I watched as they attempted the same method of reviving me as the plump man standing beside me. They then put me on a gurney and put me in the back of the ambulance.

The entire scene unfolded and I had no clue how many people had gathered around behind me. I looked around at the faces standing there. I didn’t know any of them. Pfft…way to know your neighbors there chick! Some of them looked honestly concerned, others seemed a bit void. I turned to see the ambulance leaving then whoosh! I was in there.

I was with myself and the paramedic in the back of the ambulance. Felt like only seconds had passed actually. The hospital was only a few blocks away. They unloaded me at the hospital and sped me up a little ramp leading to the doors to the emergency room. I followed until the doors in front of me closed. I looked through the little window of the door as they push me into a room on the right. Then again….whoosh. I was there. It goes without saying that they pronounced me dead. Anyway, there it is. Death. Mine. So unfucking fair.

I hadn’t even been concerned if anyone could see me or not. I was guessing that they couldn’t anyway. As I witnessed the covering of my body someone tapped me on the left shoulder. I turned to see absolutely no one there. Another tap came on the right shoulder. I turned. Again…nothing. What the fuck? I listened to the nurses’ talk of the woman having no ID on her and such. Again with the tapping!

“Come on! I just watch myself die and someone wants to play kiddy games? Seriously?”

“Oh relax. I just was just fucking with ya. You used to have a sense of humor!”

I turned around to see a tall very thin man standing there with feral smile on his face. Know him? Nah. Never saw him before. Wasn’t too happy to see him at that point either. He moved around the table my body was laying on and carefully eyed the nurses as they left the room. He then turned his attention to the “me” on the table under the crisp white sheet. Slowly pulling it back to reveal my face. I walked over and looked down at myself. Fuck. It was me. I looked like a statue. I didn’t even look like I was sleeping. It was just too creepy for words. The thin man pulled the sheet down to my chest and smiled.

“Nice balloons.”

“What the fuck perv?”

I grabbed the sheet and pulled it back over my face. He started and then laughed nearly doubling over. I was pissed! Who the hell says something like that at a moment like that? Fucking jerk! Who the hell was this asshole anyway?

“Ya know…I’ve come to collect you. You don’t really wanna be here when the loved ones come all boohooin’ and shit do ya?”

“Collect me? Am I part of someone’s batch now? Their compilation? Omnibus even?”

“Actually you are.” He laughed as he came around the table towards me.

“The fuck you say!”

“Now, now sweetheart. I didn’t say anything about fucking.”

Well that’s just fucking peachy. I was now gonna be somebody’s property. I just stood there and waited till he had moved himself directly in front of me. Then the sadness hit me. I hoped that I had told my kids that I loved them often enough. I knew my kids loved me. This was gonna be hard on them. My husband? I’m sure he loved me too. I sure the hell hoped he did after I had three kids for him. Had I told my parents I loved them lately? My brothers and sisters? My friends? Shit. You never really think about it till it’s too late.

I looked up at the man with watery eyes as he put his slender hands on my shoulders. A crackling noise sounded in my ears and bam! I was somewhere else. It just wasn’t what I expected. It was dark and smelled of burnt bologna. I covered my mouth and nose as the stench grew stronger and looked around for the thin man.

“You’ll get used to it doll.” The man that brought me there was standing in the corner of the room behind a small desk.

“Do I have to guess at where you brought me?”

“Umm…no. I suspect you already know the answer to that. But cheer up! The first order of your life-after-death business is to track down the slut that killed you! Won’t that be fun?”

“Sounds a hell of a lot better than this fucking smell.”

“Yes. You should have great pleasure in tormenting the bitch especially knowing that the reason for your death was not an accident. She simply saw a way to get rid of you after you left your house.”

“Get rid of me? What the fuck?”

“What the fuck indeed. Nice choice of words considering that she’d been fucking your husband since you had gotten pregnant with the twins.” I felt hate race through my entire body. Oh yeah. That bitch was gonna get hers and so was that no good cheatin’ bastard that I thought loved me.

“So let’s get down to it shall we?”

“By all means. I’m now anxious to do as much damage as I’m allowed.”

“I like the way you think. So here goes it…you are now a demon and you will do the bidding ask of you till further notice. Clear?”

“A wha?” My insides started to shake. What the fuck did he just say? Omigod! Umm…why am I calling on Him? Obviously I was rejected. Duh…

“Exactly. See here’s the thing hot buns. I give the assignment, you do your chores and you get free time to play. Play…you follow? Like I said before, your first job is to hunt the horndog down and do with her what you will, k? You’ll figure out the rest I assure you.”

“Like…”

“Well you can’t kill the bitch, we can’t do that. So I’ll leave the torture and torment all in your anxious little hands.” He revealed tiny shiny white teeth that frankly gave me the fucking chills. “Oh. One other thing…I’m Laz, your instructor. When you need me just think of me and you’ll find me. Now…close your eyes and focus on where you wanna be first. Hold your breath and push…kinda like your gonna blow your nose.”

Whoosh. Just like that. I was home.

My name is Chantress Blaise and this is my story. I swear.